All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Safety Corpse Offered
Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – August 25, 2015
The officially recognized, patented 2015 Mower’s Safety Course will be offered again this fall to persons who have mastered the summer preliminary curriculum. This year’s syllabus concentrates heavily on the adaption of the metric system and its application to more conventional approaches to trimming.
Adherence to s simple step-by-step procedure will result in fewer mishaps with rotor blades and lurking sunstroke according to masterminds associated with the project.
Persons born after March 1949 must take this course if they intend to mow their lawns this fall. Others, born earlier are urged to sign up for the 400-hours of Saturday classes, so as to remain on top of newest developments.
“We offer plenty of tips for mower safety as well as insider hints on weed control and fertilization techniques,” said board member Charlene Gascanne, between meetings.
The cost for the classes is a reasonable $400 (sleeper compartment slightly more) and must be paid in advance. Persons caught mowing (or weed eating without proper certification will surrender lawn privileges and may face fines and imprisonment. – Koko Nucla
Fox News Acusado de Difusión Artificial
El Supremo entregó Quart hoy por una serie de acusaciones contra Fox News que afirman que la entidad tergiversado la realidad y de apropiación indebida confianza pública en una serie de emisiones 2010-2015.
En lo que el cuerpo gobernante llamado “difusión artificial de hechos inventados Fox ha actuado de manera irresponsable y criminalmente en los intentos por convencer a su audiencia de la televisión estadounidense que el poder corporativo es la única protección contra una multitud de hombres y terroristas fuera boogey para conseguirlos.
De acuerdo con la alta cuarto: “FOX ha saqueado la verdad y manipulado sus noticieros a fin de crear una ilusión de miedo y desconfianza en este país mediante la comunicación única malentendido y falsedades para promover sus objetivos económicos y políticos.”
“Estas cabezas parlantes serio retorcidos, incluso los que tienen los peinados perfectos, han convencido a la clase media, que son los pobres (y no las corporaciones globales) que son culpables de sus luchas diarias”, dijo la acusación. La asignación repetitivo y metódico de la manipulación de los medios y proxenetismo de datos ha creado polarización crónica y la xenofobia que amenaza las libertades básicas y hace que los espectadores menos informados (más tonto) de lo que eran esta mañana. – Phil E. Buster
Bear Evicted from Roubideau Canyon
Uncompahgre Plateau Shelf Life Times — June 25, 2015
Combined elements of the United States Forest Service and jump troops from the Colorado Division of Wildlife have successfully evicted four to six black bear who have been living illegally in Roubideua Canyon. Along with assorted dependents the bruins were driven from several second-story caves.
The canyon, located west of Olathe, has been a gathering place for the often troublesome bear for centuries.
“The presence of these predators threatens to tip the eco-balance in the region,” said one federal worker. “They don’t have any respect for our gentrified forests and routinely tear up aspen trees marked for harvest and knock trees over onto our manicured trails. They simply had to go.”
The now homeless ursine families are currently living in abandoned federal housing on the outskirts of Pea Green hoping to find longterm dwellings before the hibernation cycle begins again in November. Meals are being provided by the freshmen biology class at Police State College in Gateway.
The displaced animals cited an extended relationship with the country in question saying that bruin ancestors had inhabited the place for more than 1200 years.
Regional tourism touts intend to redevelop the canyon and eventually construct a simulated wildlife park where wild animals will be saved and protected for future generations.
“The place could use a new coat of paint and some carpet and we’re good to go,” said Efram Eater, a former university professor who heads up the park committee. “If we allow nature full control we will have chaos.”
– Gabby Haze
METER READER BITTEN
(Special from The Montrose Looking Glass – January 10, 2015)
An unidentified meter reader suffered a series of bites yesterday while attempting to read a water meter. The victim, an employee of Tri County Water District, endured bits on the arms and legs in a vicious and unprovoked attack.
Police have arrested Herb Hemplestick, of 2933668294592744 Road, charging him with aggravated assault. The assailant is currently undergoing tests to determine some motive for his aggressive behavior. Authorities are not ruling out rabies, financial stress or mad cow disease in the incident.
The wounded meter reader, a part-time human from Olathe, is resting and recuperating at St Roscoe’s Hospital at Pea Green, where he flirts with nurses and looks out the window all day.
Attorneys for Hemplestick say their client is mad and should do time while the DA is asking for lenience since the attack may fall under the jurisdiction of the controversial Make My Day Law. The judge, who was absent for the pretrial hearing sentenced everyone to three days for insubordination and another week in contempt for throwing spitballs and chewing gum in court.
Sources at Tri County say they have cut off Hemplestick’s water at his residence and his commercial account, threatening his burgeoning sweet corn operation on California Mesa.
Hemplestick, who once played on the Uruguay National Football Team, sat visibly shaken in the penalty box, conferring with lawyers only when prompted. This recent episode represents Hemplestick’s second oral offense in the last 12 months. Readers may recall that was indicted for biting his longtime mailman on the top of the skull for no apparent reason back in April. – Dinty Moore
“Ward Cleaver invented polyester so that he could sleep in his suit.”
-Lumpy Rutherford
Psychological Studies of Men in Public Restrooms
By Dr Joyce Bothers and Dr. Ruth Westhymen
EXCITABLE: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole. Rips clothing in stressful dilemma.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends for a leak whether he needs to go or not.
NOSY: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
CROSS-EYED: Looks into the urinal at left, uses center urinal, flushes urinal on right. Upset that he cannot find the right paper towel rack or hand dryer.
TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone else is watching. Flushes urinal as if business concluded only to double back and pee when he is alone. This neurosis can expand if not confronted. Some men can’t urinate if there is someone else in the room, the building, the parking lot, the county…
INDIFFERENT: If all urinals are occupied he goes in the sink.
CLOWN: Look! No hands. He shows off adjusting tie, looks around at mess on floor as if someone else is responsible.
WORRIED: Not sure what he’s been doing of late. Makes flash inspection while standing at urinal.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down urinal. Tries to hit fly.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, undoes belt, unties shoes, wets pants.
DISGUSTED: Stands for a long while before giving up and walking over to the sink.
CHILDISH: Leaks directly into urinal bottom for utmost bubble affect.
PATIENT: Stands ultra-close to urinal, reads newspaper with free hand.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he must perform number two and exits into the stall where he does both functions in one sitting.
FAST: Stands back to take long swath at the urinal, blindly missing and peeing on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands up on box or uses kids’ pisser only to fall in and nearly drown.
WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, goes down leg eliminating noise.
– Manuel Flushe