ON THE COUCH

with Doctor Ardmore Thorazine, PhD, BFD, LSMFT.

(Psychosis for the Little Guy Magazine   September 27, 2015)

Post Holiday Depression Should be Subsiding by Now

Hello patients! Once again we have reached that special plateau when, because I went to graduate school in psychology, I have the distinct privilege to explain to you just why you are crazy.

This episode of On The Couch will focus on post-holiday depression that is often caused by pre-holiday euphoria. However, since it is September and Christmas was 9 months ago I strongly suggest that you try letting the whole thing go. That’s it…blow it out and begin anew. Let it go. Yes, let it all go.

These negative feelings are understandable in January but c’mon you wimp and stand up to life in February and March! Symptoms, isolated as they might be, are a sure sign of a more serious problem that, when treated with continued therapy, could generate enough money for me to pay off my condo in Crested Butte.

Our goal is to ease post-holiday depression before dealing with double indemnity passages emerge inside the noggin next December. I prefer to embrace drug therapy, which has always been more enjoyable than couch time. It is also more effective and can be harnessed over the counter despite what those fools at the AMA dogmatize.

Post-holiday depression, like post-coital depression, post-hypnotic apprehension, postponed suggestion and post-nasal drip is caused primarily by the presence of unresolved anger and inner hostility. Often a consumer, who has just dropped hundreds of dollars on worthless Christmas presents for the inappreciative, feels empty, lethargic, and yes, a little guilty.

These feelings of displaced resentment, even rage, can be dealt a swift and severe setback by the application of Gestalt Therapy, group encounters, Ying and Yang sessions, tantric sex, primal cleansings and electro-shock therapy. I prefer the last solution since I have invested a lot of money into electronics. This treatment, while painful, does not demand full patient compliance or even participation. The subject must simply show up.

First: The patient must realize he/she has an illness. Mental preparation must go hand-in-hand with trust and a down payment for services about to be rendered. Playing Christmas music, decorating the home and trimming a tree even though it’s not the Yuletide, are effective means to counteract fears and concerns.

Next: A visit to a bona fide department store Santa is a must, even if he’s not in costume or on duty…Even if he’s in floral swimming trunks or a blaze-orange vest.

Go ahead and tell him what you want for Christmas and palm him a ten spot. Try to remember Christmas as a child. (If you are a child try to remember Christmas as your grandfather might have experienced it.)

Then: Bake a ham or turkey and bring it along to your shock therapy sitting. Our staff will enjoy something to eat while you are zapped repeatedly in keeping with prescribed seismograph oscillations. Be sure to wear your best conductive clothing and bring along someone to drive you home or to the funeral parlor.

Next Month: The biophysics of bridge jumping