All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway Lake City Ouray parody"
Santa Claus hanging up his spurs
(Silverton, CO – North Pole Recorder and Pacifier – January 20, 2015)
The Jolly Old Elk is leaning heavier on his middle name these days saying that he’s had enough reindeer and sleigh to last him a millennium. The announcement that Santa was quitting came as no surprise, especially to his trusted elves.
“The guy’s a real sweetheart, you know,” said Lawrence Elfe, who has been pounding out toys and sewing children’s clothing since 1947. “He’s always happy. He loves this Santa Claus thing. The problem now is that he’s worn down to nothing. He’s got holes in his breeches and holes in his elbow patches.”
Santa, who has accumulated a vast portfolio, will most likely spend his time in Western Colorado.
“He’s got the Gladstone cabin and the town house in Paris,” smiled Elfe. “It doesn’t take a magic reindeer to figure out where to spend August. He’ll be up in the San Juans.”
Unreliable sources near the elf say he has considered politics but has no platform and has shown interest in becoming a hip-hop singer, having penned some 300 songs to date.
“A lot of us have pushed him toward coaching,” said Elfe. “He was quite a wrestler in high school and I think he has all the tools to be successful.”
– Henny Penny
Car Wash Reinvents Snowmaking
(St Germaine Ski Lodge, Red Mountain Pass – January 10, 2015)
Innovative principals here have a new use for ancient snowmaking equipment abandoned at Ironton Park decades ago. They have created a car wash, one of the highest on the continent.
The three-stall super wash, in operation since early June, is capable of handling 700 vehicles per day and has been running at full capacity, recycling water from Crystal Lake and counting on afternoon monsoons for water and consumer demand.
“We’re busy building another bay for semis and motorcycles,” said Eddie Edwards, a controlling investor. “At present we are seasonal but we expect that to change in the near future.”
Edwards told The Horseshoe that a giant, protective dome is in the works, which should insulate the entire facility from winter storms. He added that despite the presence of mechanical resources like the snow blowers the expenses incurred were monstrous.
“We hope to have our initial investment back in ten years, what with global warming and population increase,” said another owner. “People like to drive a clean car all year not just when the tourists are in town.”
If given the opportunity, the equipment can still generate about a foot of snow per hour depending on the water table. Edwards says he has already been approached by several dry land ski concerns about purchasing excess flakes and powder.
“We even developed an attachment that can make perfect moguls but transporting them has proven to be testy at best. The residue of the acquisition, a 900 psi compressor, 1400 yards of aluminum irrigation pipe and three rolls of quality baling wire may play a major role in that endeavor.”
Speaking at a luncheon for the Ouray-Silverton Ladies Long Underwear Auxiliary, Edwards said the firm plans to hire 20 full-time skilled employees and another 100 seasonal workers in 2015. These people would dry, vacuum and direct traffic during peak times.
“I for one am sick and tired of watching dirty campers negotiate Red Mountain Pass,” he stressed. “Now we will see a parade of clean vehicles descending on both sides of the pass.”
A Grand Opening, featuring hot dogs and fireworks, has been going on since August with cut-rate fees and a chance to win a cruise on Lake Ouray or Lake Emma in the fall.
“If all goes well we will be looking for opportunities to open a car wash on Molas and Coal Bank as well as a high-tech limited access facility at Howardsville.
– Small Mouth Bess
Delimm, MA
Uptown and Downtown Colona, Colorado
(Geographically Challenged News Briefs – Gunnison, CO – January 10, 2015)
Discarded state abbreviations shed a lot of light on names of locations, all of which are said to be real places within the confines of the United States. Oh sure, the newer abbreviations are more functional but they are no fun.
By Donald Powers Jr.
The names of towns and cities across our nation show staggeringly little imagination on the part of various founders who apparently just stuck a name on a place without much consideration as to the primary reason for its existence. This is particularly acute in the Southwest where Spanish names are duplicated horrendously despite the chance for diversity and creativity.
Big business is failing to digest an obvious opportunity to capitalize on communal nomenclature that would reap, among other benefits, the kind of free publicity and advertising that money could not buy.
Lastly, the different levels of government have ignored the advantages of naming a locale for the purpose it may serve, opting to name a place after some dysfunctional, yet favored politician three decades in the ground.
What I am proposing makes sense, common sense to be exact. Company towns have sprung up from the Dakotas to Florida. Why hasn’t a company like Proctor and Gamble built such a settlement in the Pacific Northwest? They could call it Clean, Wash.
There are bottling companies in virtually every major U.S. city. Why isn’t there one in Pepsi, Colo., or with a little poetic license, Coca, Okla.? For weight watchers we’d have Low, Cal. They would face ungodly competition from Un, Colo.
(Ed note: As one might further perceive the abbreviations used here are a little archaic but they still are valid and in use in their longer versions in many spots. Rather than spew critique you will find it easier and certainly more amusing to just play along.)
And it gets more perplexing. There are no manufacturing plants in Tin, Kan; no mines in Pure, Ore; and they don’t even race horses at Bell, Mont.!
As I pointed out earlier the government shares the guilt. How much easier would it be to operate our penal system if it were housed in one building at Federal, Penn., with inmates eventually paroled at Yura, Conn.
Or how about an educational institution at Countta, Tenn. And Ithinki, Kan.? Even the seat of our government could be relocated to Sultans, Calif..
And in the spirit of gender equality we would build senior citizens centers in Mawan, Pa and in Pawan, Ma.
If the feds decide to investigate big gambling’s mob connection at Eeniemeeny Miney, Mo. They could question the dons at Shuttadetra, Pa, if they would name the town and build it. But they don’t care about the way things sound. They didn’t even bother to build the FBI institute at Pro, Tex..
One western state that brags about the quality of its atmosphere has still, after all these years, failed to find the city of Fresh, Ariz.. Kentucky exports horses and bourbon but there’s no Whisk, Ky. on their map. Meanwhile farther south we cannot identify anything near Shangri, La..
Religion, too, could greatly benefit from this schematic. While invariably there would be many faithless souls in Infa, Del. There would be tens of thousands of their brothers and sisters who, heedless of sacrifice, would trek from the corners of the world for the annual pilgrimage at Snof, Ala..
All of us know where to fight Eve, Ill. And do our penance at Weaves, Ind. Finally, when the time comes for that final roll call up yonder, where would be a more fitting place for a funeral than Requiem, Mass.
But for the living the laughs go on at vaudeville halls called Fun, NY., Ha, Ha.. And don’t forget the opera house at Trala, La..
You could ship Salvation Army donations to Broe, Kan. And take music lessons at Doeray, Me. or Pick, Colo., or maybe even Umpah, Pa..
Sports would stand to gain too. Some games would experience a complete revival as might occur in Kicks, Kan.. I can envision a world-class archery range at Bowenir, Ha. As well as the multi-million dollar keystone stadium at Balp, Ark. Life would be skating along in Hock, Ky. While they’d be throwing horseshoes and/or hand grenades at Near, Miss..
Just watch out for the barbecue in Toe, Maine. (OK, so sometimes we have to use the full name of some places to tell the joke).
Scientific foundations would also flourish as never before when stimulated by these methods:
a.) All sufferers of athlete’s foot would be only too happy to contribute to a prevention center in Fung, Ga.
b.) The increasing reports of flying saucers have made it mandatory to construct a research facility in Utink, Utah.
c.) Ecologists warn of an increasing list of endangered species and our youth must be made aware of this disaster. Consequently we should build a zoological mating garden at Noah’s, Ark..
d.) Archeology too is engaged in a desperate search for a new museum at Mumm, Me.. What about the field of physics and the suggested experimental laboratory at Iwonder, Wy.?
e.) And once and for all we could settle the mysteries of evolution at a secular study center in Munk, Ky..
If you’re getting married why not try the chapel at Ohla, La. Or the grotto at Dearest, Miss.? But maybe Dower, Wy is more your style. Either way Shotgun, Pa. is no picnic but it’s far better than Forgot, Tenn. Quite the Delimm, MA.
I myself will dispatch with all the matrimony and run for mayor in Hoe, Ore..
THEE, N.D.
CORRESPONDENCE FROM THE 20TH CENTURY
In 1899 Samuel Langhorne Clemens wrote a letter from the horse-whipped 19th Century to the callow 20th. It offered wisdom, advice and apologies. Despite its attempt to promote peace, tolerance and general sanity the letter appears to have been pushed aside in favor of shiny technology, bright soldier’s uniforms and a brave new world. We can only try again.
Dear Big Brother:
I am writing you in the hopes of averting yet another saga in our eternal collision course. Although I am fully aware that you regard me with some disdain, it is necessary that one last effort be made. Here on my death bed many images roll by. Some are good, some are evil. It is my sincere hope that you can benefit from my mistakes and enter the Millennium with the sentiments of the dove, not the aptitude of the vulture.
It all started for me in 1900 with fireworks, anarchists, cake walks, Boxer Rebellions and Sigmund Freud. The world was a big bowl of cherries. Queen Victoria was on the way out, electricity was on the way in. Life was good, at least for those who could afford it. Naiveté reigned. Summer walks along the shore. The New York Giants, the Brooklyn Dodgers. Orville and Wilbur, Peter Pan, “The Great Train Robbery” and the Panama Canal. You’re too young to remember, but the first decade also gave us the Boer War, the Russo-Japanese War, the Mexican Civil War, Revolution in China, the beginnings of the Bolshevik rise to power in Russia. Human life was cheap on most of the planet….cheaper than coal…cheaper than opium.
In 1906 the population of London was 4.5 million. New York boasted 4 million while Tokyo and Vienna each had 1.5 million residents. The armies of the earth showed strengths of 13 million (Russia), 7.9 (Germany), and France at 4.8 million men-in-arms. With all those people clutching rifles it seemed like a prime time to hold a war.
An earthquake in Sicily killed 150,000 in 1908 and in 1921 the Titanic collided with an iceberg drowning 1500. Population control.
The Pale Horse unveiled his ruthless assembly line in 1914 when nations turned cannons on neighbors, embalming names like Mons, Gallipoli and Belleau Wood on the human psyche. Once again metal is victorious over flesh. Military casualties were appalling, reaching 40 million, as best as anyone could determine. Germany alone lost almost 2 million dead (give or take a few hundred thousand) while total casualties in the Russian Army neared 10 million. Think of the population explosion that might have occurred had these people lived a normal lifetime of, say, 50 years.
It’s difficult to believe that after the War to End All Wars the next generation in Europe was willing to march off to battle so soon.
Here in the U.S. we had the Roaring Twenties to distract us, then the Great Depression to bring them back to reality. There were sports heroes like Babe Ruth, Helen Wills, Gertrude Ederle and Jack Dempsey but you can access that information on the Internet during your coming tenure. Be sure to look up The League of Nations and examine the quality of life for the losers in post-war Europe.
Despite becoming the most charming and inventive inhabitants of the planet, humans remained the most vile. How would you have handled the violent labor struggles or the emergence of destructive nationalism? What about cruel colonialism? How would you have dealt with racism or the rantings of men like Hitler and Stalin? Ever hear of Lizzie Borden, Fritz Haarmann, the Ku Klux Klan, Bruno Hauptman or the St Valentine’s Day Massacre?
In 1930 Ras Tafari became Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia, the French began building the Maginot Line, the Germans constructed the Siegfried Line and the population the United States reached 122 million. By 1935 Mussolini had conquered Ethiopia (Abyssinia), France launched the “S.S. Normandie”, Germany had repudiated the Versailles Treaty and the population of China stood at 422 million.
In 1937 the Japanese occupation army slaughtered millions in Shanghai and Nanking while Joe Stalin killed even more attempting to starve the Ukraine into submission. In the United States 32,000 people died in auto accidents in 1938. In 1939 45,000 persons were killed as a result of an earthquake in Turkey. That year the U.S. economy boomed due to orders from Europe for arms and war equipment. After the nightmare of World War II is over, estimates of war dead were 45 million, including 10 million men, women and children killed in Nazi concentration camps.
Despite the carnage, the world population hit 2.3 billion in 1950.
Where you intend to put all these people after 2015 is your own business. Although my track record is bleak I have tried, and failed to deal with what will surely be our demise. We held dress rehearsals in Korea and Vietnam and watched the Cultural Revolution on TV. We met Pol Pot and witnessed suicide charges across the Zagros Mountains adjacent to the Persian Gulf. Civil War did its part in Central America, in Northern Ireland and “the Holy Land”.
Are planets like Mars and stars in other galaxies potential digs or are they ancient bone yards of societies that have long ago suffocated themselves? Who really wants to live on some moon anyway. They probably don’t even have cable.
And today I heard that a bunch of self-serving loonies are again building shelters and hoarding food in fear of economic collapse. Where have these people been – the collapse happened years ago and we’ve just been cleaning up around here a bit. Some say bad air will strangle us as a species. Others are expecting the Second Coming.
Most just sit around and wonder how much rice is needed to feed Asia and the are stunned by the frightening multiplication tables of population.
OK, so I botched the 20th Century. It’s not like I was given an instruction manual. Sure there were great technological advances (most at great costs) and there have been wondrous creations and even some solutions. Is nature so cruel that death is the major variable that insures the continuity of life on earth? Every time a medicine saves a life, that life becomes a statistic in doom’s growing parade.
This morning Central Africa remains at war, ethnic cleansing marches on in Ukraine and people are starving in North Korea. More babies are born in South America and India. Rain forests are chewed up in Brazil. Abortion clinics are doing a grandstand business while the good folk load their rifles.
One could listen to limp lipped leaders talk about the salvation of technology and the bright future for our kids. “Everything is fine.” We can even watch rush hour on morning television. Look at those rats on the way to another meaningless race. Wait. One or two of them might actually get ahead. Let’s send an army to fight in Syria/Iraq and ignore East Los Angeles and downtown Baltimore.
One could open his eyes and watch favorite sons gobble up the last resources on the planet. Can we invent a substitute of water? For air? Is it such a surprise that we lose sight of what we are doing here and embrace violence and mindless distractions? Is intolerance toward our fellow humans the animal response? We generate more garbage than solutions. How to we turn it around? You tell me.
Good luck in 2015. You’ll damn well need it. If you need to get in touch with me for any reason you’ll just have to sift through the history books. I never got around to getting E-Mail.
– Little Bro
NORWOOD WILL ENFORCE MANDATORY NAP ORDINANCE
(Wright’s Mesa Recollections – January 10, 2015)
(Goodenough Gulch) The town of Norwood plans to penalize residents who refuse to take an afternoon nap during the month of January. The siestas, suggested to be at least an hour in length, are said to improve the general attitude of the populace and make things more relaxed for everyone.
“People really get crabby around here when winter sets in,” said Morpheus Snoozer, a retired Wright’s Mesa rancher and hibernation proponent. “All they need is a little time-out in the early afternoon and their overall outlook is much brighter.”
Snoozer pointed to the town’s population of dogs and cats, who are known to take a nap at the slightest provocation.
“You don’t see these creatures barking and hissing at people all winter long, do you?” he asked.
Designated nap times will be formulated in alphabetical order, but will be limited to the confines of early afternoon according to Snoozer. People who refuse to cooperate will be sent to bed without dinner.
“No matter what benefits surface, it is inconceivable for everyone to go to sleep at the same time,” he confessed. “Hell, if that happened some stranger could waltz right in and steal the whole town.”
-H.L. Menoken
Decline of National Attention Span Told
(Fond Memories News Service – Ridgway, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
The attention span of the average American dipped again this year prompting the office of the surgeon general to issue new warnings on the nation’s dwindling brain trust.
The new concentration phase is less than two minutes, down from 8.3 minutes in 1969 and 13.1 minutes in 1954.
Television, cell phones, computers, calculators, exotic hairstyles, tattoos, video games, noise pollution, stress and micro-waved burritos have been earmarked as the major culprits causing the disappointing statistics.
“People have become the destination rather than the source of vital data in 2014,” said M.L. Philopio, a disbarred attorney turned metaphysical sausage maker. “It’s a lot like shooting ducks in your own living room.”
Economists on both sides of the sea have complained of this phenomenon for decades, blaming a recessive attention chromosome for a serious drop in worker production and quality. Management suffers from the same malady often resulting in mass confusion in the workplace.
“Most workers are distracted by a change in lighting, a new employee, a minor change in routine, even a spilled cup of coffee in the break room,” said Philopio. “At the top of the heap we see middle managers unable to complete tasks and top executives lacking leadership initiatives.”
In quick response to the country’s needs, Senate Democrats think they have voted to delegate funds to correct the burgeoning problem but forgot to designate the recipient of the cash. The continual decline is denied, along with climate change and evolution and by House Republicans, who don’t remember what they ate for breakfast much less their last campaign promises. Both groups have long exhibited the behavior of someone left too long in July’s hot car.
As to the future of the dilemma scientists told a…Wow, look at the size of those fluffy clouds in the bluer than blue sky…I wonder if birds can really fly through them without getting turned around? When I get off work I’m heading to the driving range but I forgot to pick up my laundry at the dry cleaner…The Horseshoe that the road to recovery will be full of chuckholes…and tomorrow I’m having donuts with my coffee. Man, are those leaves changing quickly. Hey, I have a five-dollar bill in my pants pocket. Look at that beautiful woman. I wonder if the Broncos will win on Sunday… -Walter Papermoney
