All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway Lake City Ouray parody"

COLORADO SKI COUNTRY TO HEAT HIGHWAYS

– from the Crested Butte Albatross – used by permission – January 10, 2015

Due to harsh criticism by most members and the exit of the prestigious Wolf Creek Ski Area from the fold, the Colorado Ski Country has decided to do something besides send out pamphlets. According to a press release the promotional entity has arranged for the construction of underground highway heaters along major roads leading to ski areas.
Although the group did not include a blueprint of the plan they did say the work would be complete by next Thanksgiving.
“We may charge a slight toll to people with ski racks but that will be determined at a later date,” said Christy Stemm of Colorado Ski Country. “That fee will be minimal when one considers the convenience and safety factors.”
Unfortunately once the heaters are installed there is no way to regulate the temperature from above therefore the they will most likely run when the roads are dry and throughout the summer months as well. The effect that this increase might have on the local ecosystem is not known at press time.
“Hey doomsdayers, skiing is environmentally advantageous for all,” blasted Stemm. “Just look at all those lovely condos over here and those parking lots over there. The industry has grown to the point where it desperately needs a spokesperson and I’ll be available just as soon as I find a wall jack for my microphone.”
When asked why Wolf Creek dropped off the roster of Colorado Ski Country members Stemm said only that the resort “never got any snow and could not be counted on to provide lift lines for out-of-state visitors”.

Ouray Telluride Tunnel Reopens Thursday

(Governor’s Basin – Ouray, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
With the final blasting set for this weekend the massive Ouray-Telluride Tunnel should be back in business this week. Shattering all estimates of man-hours and expenses incurred, the project was speedily revamped employing high tech trenching devices not available when the passageway was created by the mining industry in 1903.
“Actually there are countless tunnels running all over hell heading west from Ouray and petering out at both the Ruins at Idarado and Bridal Veil Falls in San Miguel County,” said Myron Me, Executive Director of the Telluride Tunnel Festival slated for next summer. “This recent construction aimed to link the major arteries so as to access strategic points and allow underground travel.”
The mega-renovation is in no way meant to be a substitute or replacement for the failed gondola project abandoned in 1975. The 15-mile tunnel that winds its way through tons of rock is not a surrogate but rather a highway for business, gov’ment and pedestrians wishing to navigate these mountains rather than driving around them. The venture was funded with federal and state coffers.
“A restoration like this takes money,” said local politician Hal Burton, who hopes a new 5% tax in both counties could lighten the blow significantly. “It is our unpleasant task to implement a slight duty tax on local residents who will most benefit from the infrastructure. The remainder of the cost will be subsidized by the government via a fiscal excess discovered following the termination of the School Lunch Program, Social Security, and the recall of collector food stamps featuring the portrait of Speaker of the House, John Boehner (Republican-Moeller High School).
Backers of the dig say they have poured over feasibility studies since the 80s and that the time was right to go ahead. The overall cost was estimated at more than a million but less than a billion. Driving time between the two towns should be reduced from one hour and ten minutes (depending on the weather) to approximately 12 minutes.
“This is bigger than the opening of the ski area, the Twin Cities Prairie Dog Shoot, Norwood Pioneer Days, the Keystone mud slide of ’85 and the Papal blessing of Lawson Hill all rolled into one,” said Burton.
Phase two of the mission calls for a link the above-mentioned towns with Lake City, Silverton and Ophir in 2016. – Marlene Marvelous

Montrose Sculpture

Western sculpture adorns downtown Montrose. Come have a close-up look!

Turn in your neighbor program “going well”.

(Spring Creek Mesa – Colorado – January 10, 2015)
A pilot Security Task Strategy (STS), new to the Western Slope, is succeeding say authorities here. The pseudo-controversial “turn in you neighbor” program, instituted just last July, has already netted 200 arrests and the detainment of another 1000 suspects, bringing a slew of brand new criminals into police data files.
“We are making great strides in the family quarter where children have been encouraged to snitch on their parents,” said an anonymous spokesperson for a glut of law enforcement agencies. “Someday we’ll see leagues of these little patriots willing to betray family and friends for the betterment of the compliant.”
The control model follows the patterns developed in totalitarian scenarios all over the world. It allows informers to “keep their hands clean” and remain unidentified even when the most outlandish accusations are on the table. Sometimes financial rewards are in the mix as well.
“If our cruiser charts indicate anything, it is that people seek to be controlled, to be told what to do,” said Dr. Edward Despot, professor of autocratic philosophy at Police State College of Shavano. “The system can show leniency to one who stands firmly on the good guys.”
It comes as a surprise how eager many persons are to disregard the petty loyalties and embrace a system that keeps them safe in their homes after dark.
“It would be like me telling you we just arrested the House of Representatives for violating the Georgia sodomy law, which was recently upheld by the Supremes & Their Quart,” said Despot. “Kind of like getting caught in your own possum trap. Kind of like stepping in it, heh?”
Detractors and people who resist what they call “heavy-handed manipulation by the authorities” disagree.
“A strong analogy emerges,” they contend, “when we look at citizens who require state and federal assistance just to survive, due to limited choices and slave wages paid by highly profitable corporations. Who do you think subsidizes these immoral acts that go on in our sacred plutocracy? We arrest the poor, play plea bargain games, put them in jail and then parole them all on the taxpayer’s tab.”
“Why do we, as a society, need policing?” Despot asked. “Because we are all part of the criminal element and chaos would loom without control. There will always be the malcontents that say the system is rotten. Let them get their own system,” he quipped.
“With the termination of debtor’s prison and the workhouse there is no longer profit in busting the indigent. Even our federal benefactors know that. If we want to continue earning big black pickups and assault vehicles we had better locate and harass the uncooperative and those tangled up in the quicksand of personal freedoms,” said the professor.
– Kashmir Horseshoe