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Tailings fetch high prices in Asia

(Special from The Mining and Milling Gazette —  August 10, 2015)

(Hong Kong) Western Colorado tailings, a bi-product of mining, are demanding exorbitant prices in China and Japan where the residue is considered an aphrodisiac.
Ironically the substances are selling for high prices now that the supply has been diminished by cleanups, burials and denials. According to black market sources, a gram of slime or slickens can bring as much as $2000 while it is basically worthless at the point of origin.
While poaching has yet to become an issue, state and federal authorities are on the lookout for criminal activities above timberline.
“The poachers will focus on higher, out-of-the-way places where they can fill their pickups and pockets with the stuff that, these days, has more inherent value than gold.
Sadly for the environment both molybdenum and uranium tailings are even more of a “delicacy” in Taiwan and South Korea. Efforts to control the mining of these elements have been badly crushed with the onset of such improbable profits. It is not clear if this reality will usher in more extractions in this arena.
Entrepreneurs in the United States have begun a powerful ad campaign aimed at convincing the population that the sale of tailings is good for the economy and will not further damage the planet.
“That’s what the oil companies told us about fracking and now look at all the polluted ground water,” said one activist.
The tailings market is estimated to bring in more money than tourism and pot sales combined. Many people in Asia are convinced that the tailings enhance and improve sexual performance in both male and female consumers.
“Sure it can get messy but with the state of the deficit I think we can make an exception here,” said one Congressional petroleum puppet. “It is rare when we have the opportunity to profit by selling something that we have identified as toxic.”
Local leaders have considered posting armed guards at various tailings ponds in the region. Others insist that the opportunity to purge us from this lingering blight should not be overlooked, especially at $56,000 an ounce.
– Uncle Pahgre

Many in GOP see Ronald Reagan Jr. as candidate in 2016

(Begone Nancy, CA  —  Jelly Bean Express  ––  August 10, 2015)

(South Oak, Pretty Trees Reserve) Many influential voices within the Republican Party have whispered the name of Ronald Reagan Jr. in a presidential ramifications context for 2016.
Frustrated delegates, certain that name recognition might alone pull 20% of the vote, have secretly pledged their support for a ticket featuring the former President’s son. They say they “will need a united front to pull this one off and are starting early.”
“The Bushes do it, the Clintons do it. Even the Roosevelts had a hand in the name game although often from two different sides of the political fence,” said Dr. Wishbone T. Jonez, a fellow at Cal Amari. and Secretary of Coastal Artichoke Mobility Corps here.
“Why shouldn’t we play the trump card?” he smiled. “I’m voting for Ron.”
Jonez, a marginalized Latino, did not comment when asked if he had heard that Homer Simpson had been tapped as possible running mate by a Corporate Power Rules, a think tank in Florida, until recently a shadow organization.
“All I know is that CPR now owns drilling rights in most of the Everglades and plans to build a pipeline to Havana from our American Keys,” said Jonez. I had very little to do with all that other than making sure everyone got their checks on time.”
Ronald Reagan Jr., who had successfully disappeared from the public eye, was not available for comment in that he was away at a ballet academy function. Reporters will continue to harass him when he returns home Thursday.
“The focus on name recognition is particularly disconcerting when one considers the status of the American voter who often votes against his self-interest,” said former snake representative, Marilyn Mobley, a voter behavior expert from the Bronx. who is now camped in Iowa waiting for the Primary hoopla to begin.
“The concept of the Big Picture never materializes. We focus on one issue only or obsess on petty and concocted needs never stopping to see the Big Lie, that we need the corporations, the politicians, the police and the taxman. The simple matter is that we could do better without any of these but only if we change our consciousness.
When asked if Homer Simpson was a valid vice presidential candidate most party poopers avoid eye contact and beg off on the question. Not so Jonez.
“Simpson is electable if only because he clearly represents a segment of American males who think like him, act like him and in may cases look like him as well,” chipped Jonez. “The other 25% will go for Ron.”
Attila Diggins

Syrian Taxi Driver’s Academy Falls to Advancing ISIS Fighters

(Al Bamm) A strategic taxi driver’s academy logistically linked to three border crossings, six refineries and an abandoned military base, has fallen under control of ISIS militants a senior Iraqi security official said.
The facility, one of the largest in the Mideast, was set to graduate 500 students on Friday. Most of these move to the West and drive cabs from London to Green Bay.
“It was out ticket out of this hell and now it’s gone,” cried one former student, who told of ISIS treatment of prisoners, especially anyone who spoke English.
“May Allah help the cabbie that failed to turn on his meter,” he gasped.
In addition to gains in the North, the Muslim extremists have now shown their teeth in Wawa, Annbar and Al-Bamm,” said the official based in Wawa but on his way out the door for more secure digs.
Border towns are always a prize. They provide strongholds and allow a certain amount of security due to hazy frontiers and strong cultural considerations. No matter the degree of squabbling and contentious line drawing the sand, sooner or later, covers everything over once again.
“It’s not like we’re worried about pissing anyone off,” said Mohammed “Mickey” Sheeke, a tribal warlord who has been engaged in the fighting for over to years. “It’s a little too late for that. We just don’t want to drag Turkey, Iran or Saudi Arabia further into this civil war.”
It was not clear how this defeat would affect transportation in the region or how more U.S. military advisors, expected this week, would get around. Oddly enough it is often safer to take a cab than a jeep when traversing these sand dunes.
“It’s not like they lost a fleet of cabs to these immoral monsters,” said one U.S, Army corporal. “They only had three to start with and one didn’t start. What’s a whole ‘nuther matter is the tanks and missile launchers that ISIS inherited when the Iraqi Army deserted the neighborhood base.”
A squad of rogue Baghdad bus drivers is still holding the entrance to Al-Bamm’s International Airport, which has been contested since early on in the conflict. Concerned as to their fate if ISIS prevails, these fighters have fought off repeated attacks by an ever-expanding force. Bus drivers and Baath Party members (Saddam’s boys) have been at odds since Hussein nationalized transportation back in 1995. The ISIS group (led by many of the same Sunni extremists) wants revenge.
“Much of the stress here is tribal in origin,” said State Department spokesman Wally Handgunne. “What we have here are some angry folks who aren’t getting enough to eat and have no opportunity to improve their lives. Then throw in the constant wind and choking hot weather. We’ve met a taxi cab drivers and a radical mullahs from the same family. It gets very complicated, even to them.” – Merci Plaines

Toothpaste and a Buff Could Save Your Life

After perusing this periodical for a set of decades, one might begin to wonder: Will this paper ever present anything worthwhile? Something functional, beneficial and instructive for the 21st Century?
Embracing socially redeeming values and rubbing up against the common good of the great unwashed, we proudly present the first in what promises to be an endless series of condescending hints that have never been solicited from our readers. These people, just like the editors, seek the bottom of the social experiment, preferring a familiar old chair, a wisp of mountain air and a large snifter of cognac to local beer specials at the local bash roundhouse.

Buff it out!

Now then…we will undress the subject of murky automotive headlamps and one very effective way to look good and improve vision on the highway. Our engineer, Dr. Craig Mernitz of Wisconsin Institute of Mandatory Recreation, will show you how to turn fogged up, dirty headlamps into a stream of conscious light that does the job when the sun goes down.
First Mernitz shows us how to apply the toothpaste to the headlights. (Figure One) taking care to use only enough to cover the glass with a thin sheet of dried paste. Circular motion works especially considering that the light is round. Suggested time 10 minutes. (Figure Two)
After the toothpaste has dried to a crunchy crust we scrape the area with a rough sponge or course pad. Anything that creates tension but does not scratch a glass surface will work here.

Rub it in and watch the yellow disappear!

After another 10 minutes of applied scrubbing the headlamp is ready for the buffer. Simply apply tension along fault lines and the calculated radius of the bright or dim function. In no time the glass will be shining allowing for a more attractive vehicle and better vision on the highway. Alternate mechanics, clarity of purpose, along with folklore remedies and the embrace of shade-tree survival, can lead to hours of enjoyment and the elusive joys of curious accomplishment…a rousing emotional life for most of us.

Too Many Sex Change Operations Can Lead to Trouble

(Montrose, CO  —  Special to the San Juan Horseshoe)

Doctors at Consolidated Macedonian Hospital in Pea Green have issued a joint warning in response to a growing number of snafus connected to delicate sex change operations performed here.
And on the other side of the knife, the relatively new procedure has been a victim of chronic indecisiveness on the part of prospective patients who cannot make a simple decision. He or she?

Teenie Turner: “I don’t remember when it all started but I know how it ends.”

“Common side effects resulting from too many gender assimilation operations have us all quite concerned,” said Dr. Milty Sponge. “We’ve seen basic gene disorders all the way up to male and female hormone spills. Facial hair on women and overdeveloped mammary glands on men is just scratching the surface.”
Now the gov’ment is getting involved. The IRS and the Selective Service have expressed concern that the agencies might be losing track of citizens who are no longer the same sex as they were last year, or last month. Both are petitioning Congress to pass legislation aimed at charting these patients before and after surgery. Right wing legislators promised to come down hard on abusers then went to lunch while The Left scurried around to form committees to discuss the issue and send some money to somebody to take care of it.

Jane Devere after 15 sex change operations remains in limbo

The flow of American dollars to foreign hospitals has prompted a reevaluation of the issue with many health concerns dropping prices and offering package deals on amenities such pizza delivery, bingo nights and private rooms.
A no frills sex change operation costs an average of $150,000 out the door according to Sponge.
“That’s the basics, the minimum,” he said. “If any problems surface it’s ala Carte.”
A burgeoning number of lawsuits have been filed alleging malpractice and incompetence causing most surgeons to shy away from the operation. Citing moral conflict, most doctors are in reality reacting to legal ramifications and probable fiscal loss in the event that a case reaches court.
Meanwhile economists are sifting through mounds of data to ensure that men are still paid more than women for doing the same job.
“If Jack becomes Jill, she shouldn’t expect to demand the same pay as Jack, now should she?” asked Sponge. “Without federal subsidies these poor, confused souls will rob and steal to pay for their obsessions. Imagine being mugged by a man in pantyhose or woman with a pencil-thin mustache.

Lecciones Tempranas Natación No Ayuda Con Orinarse en la cama decir Docs

(Ridgway, CO – Río Amarillo de Prensa – 10 de augusto 2015)
Matriculan niños pequeños en programas de natación harán poco o nada para aliviar los síntomas de enuresis dicen los médicos de la Clínica Mao aquí. Aunque las asociaciones son claras y los vínculos son evidentes, sumergiendo los niños pequeños en el agua en la mañana no les ayudará a hacerlo a través de la noche.
Mantenerse seco en la cama y mojarse en la piscina no tienen conexión. A menudo los niños se orinan en la cama debido a traumas menores que aumentan con la culpa y el miedo a la repetición. La mayoría crecer fuera de la conducta y no debe ser presionado.
“Nuestros hijos resultan ser grandes nadadores”, dijo el entrenador Eddie Edwards, de los Marlins de Montrose. “Nunca hemos considerado ninguna otra terapia que puede estar pasando en la piscina. Mojar la cama nunca ha sido un problema, incluso con los nadadores más jóvenes. Además, ¿cómo sabemos si la condición estaba presente? Todo el mundo está empapado aquí “.
El origen de este tipo de pensamiento nunca ha sido clara. Pediatras permanecen custodiados sobre cualquier positivos que puedan surgir debido a la socialización y dormir estructura, o incluso los efectos de agua fría sobre el cuerpo humano en desarrollo.
“Las soluciones coincidentes son válidas”, dijo un investigador médico. “Pero no podemos confiar en ellos. La regla de oro aquí es la prevención. La ingesta de agua antes de acostarse y monitoreo puede ayudar. Mantener al paciente en un lugar fresco y seco. Aplicar la modificación del comportamiento. Las clases de natación, como lecciones de vuelo, clases de salsa o clases de cocina hará poco para reducir enuresis.
– Tommy Middlefinger