All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Nacional Payaso Retiro Desestimación

(Foggy Bottom – Comentario Red Nose – marzo 2016)

La 15a Convención Anual de América del payaso se le prohibió reunirse dentro de los límites del Distrito de Columbia última noche. Citando un “elemento interrumpe seriamente el caos y la anarquía”, que preside el juez Emmet “Blinky” Kelley dictaminó que los payasos y su entorno deben salir de la ciudad en 24 horas de arresto cara.
Un portavoz de los payasos, dijo culpó a las décadas de los chanchullos políticos que han dejado el electorado y los poderes civiles con un mal sabor en la boca colectivos.
“Estos candidatos presidenciales y pretendientes intentaron descaradamente para competir con nosotros por la atención de la opinión pública estadounidense idiotizada”, dijo un payaso radical, su pintura de grasa que gotea por sus mejillas. “Estaremos de vuelta. Esta ciudad tiene más payasos per cápita que cualquier parte del planeta y queremos ser parte de la acción “.
Los payasos se cargaron en autobuses esta mañana y conducidos a puntos en Maryland y Virginia, donde serán alentados a mezclarse con la ciudadanía local. – Gabby Haze

If Cowboy Poets Wrote Nursery Rhymes

In case you haven’t been paying attention, (or even if you have)…it’s March. A time for reflection, a time to slow down and take count of the past and future, a time to freeze your arses. Initially this column was supposed to focus on the infant Presidential campaign with its blabbering, colic and loaded diapers but after a few minutes of scrutinizing we, (the winter soldiers of the media) decided that our readers would be better off with something more educational.

We wondered that if the classic children’s nursery rhymes had been penned by long rider poets in pointy boots and cowboy hats the subjects might have leaned more toward the pasture posture. Here are a few gems found while pecking around in the bunkhouse.

Little Miss Prattle…
sat in the saddle
checking her spurs and bay,
when along came a rider
saying circle much wider
or you’ll chase all the mavericks away.
***
Mary had a can of chew…
its leaves were black as coal
and everywhere that Mary went
she brung that tin of skoal.
It followed her to school one day
which was agin’ the rule,
and all the children took a pinch
then sat and played it cool.
***
Tenderfoot Aspire…
sat by the camp fire
eating his biscuits and bacon
With his new cowboy clothes
he struck up quite a pose
and cried: Buckaroos, “I’m just fakin’.”
***
Sing a song of six-guns…
belly full o’ hoots,
four and twenty tinhorns
shakin’ in their boots.
When the smoke had cleared up
I heard the gunman wail
“Wasn’t that a clever way
to spend the night in jail.”
***
Hickory, dickory, dense…
the cows got out the fence
Which lazy wrangling dunce
is liable for these stunts?
Hickory, dickory, dense
***
If all the work was round-ups…
and all the girls wore mink
And all our mounts ate tater chips
what would there be to drink?
***
Hark, hark…
it’s gettin’ dark
The chuckwagon’s gone lame.
Our dinner’s late
but leave a plate
for breakfast – much the same.

Bye Bye Buckaroos. Sweet dreams.

– Earl MacAdoo

Front Range Communities Blown to Kansas

(Windy Point — Aurora Borealis — March 14, 2016)

Due to incredibly high winds and a staggering arctic front most of Arapaho County is now in Kansas. Gone are the suburbs, the lawns, and the water-sucking golf corpses that have defined much of the affluent neighborhoods. Gone are the temples to progress, the pollution, the crime, the gangs, the litter and the noise common to the poorer sections.

The Manifest Destiny of thirsty populations is now little more than clumps of windblown sagebrush and a host of hardy rocks…just like before the white folks moved in.

Sources in Western Kansas are none too pleased with a surging refugee population on what once were empty wheat fields. Most express frustration as to what action should be taken in this natural disaster. The only known precedent occurred in the Thirties when a merciless Dust Bowl wind drove Oklahoma to Bakersfield and Fresno, California. Soon after that Merle Haggard was born.

Northern Lights Spur Witch Hunts

(Salem, MA   Broom Makers Gazette   March 13, 2016)

A sunning display of the Northern Lights, stuck in an odd configuration with the anniversary of the infamous Salem Witch Trails has prompted violence here. Bands of frantic citizens have seized witches, threatening to do them bodily harm unless “the big lights go away”.

The mobs, made up of puritan radicals and undergraduate economic majors at Harvard, have beetled police for three nights whenever the lights make a cameo appearance.

Attempts to explain the phenomenon in laymen’s terms have failed miserably when crazed hordes shouted down astrologists and TV news professionals from as far away as Gloucester and Marblehead. Cars have been tuned over and citizens attacked with brooms by horrified dregs fearing Armageddon. Sources say over 200 witches and warlocks remain detained as some sort of flimsy defense against what opportunist demagogues are calling “those yonder demonic lights”.

Police are currently sealing off the downtown area and no reported barbecues have taken lace within the town limits but as night fell it is anyone’s guess if the current panic will swell or subsist.

The Northern Lights are expected to revert to centuries old patterns and will most likely disappear by the weekend.

“Until you witness a which hunt you don’t realize the ferocity of group stupidity,” said one officer.

Elk Not State Employees Says Court

(Gunnison – Large Horned Mammal News –March 12, 2016)

Elk cannot be classified as state employees in Colorado according to a federal circuit judge here. Citing the part-time working status of the elk Judge Andovera Rutte denied a motion by flamboyant attorney John Doe that his herd clients receive full employment benefits retroactive to 1876 the year Colorado entered the Union.

According the Rutte’s decision elk and other “harvest species” are productive only during late summer and fall during hunting seasons. They are already well compensated for inconveniences accrued since the state often feeds them on heavy snow years and protects them from armed predators the rest of the year.

At one point in the hearing federal attorneys challenged several elk to present evidence of “even one good day’s toil during the spring or winter. Doe jumped in vehemently denying implications of laziness adding that foraging and migration were no walk in the park and should be considered honest labor.

Rutte disagreed insisting that while these endeavors were “quite commendable, they were primarily instinctual,” (and) “would not qualify as work or fiscal reward on even a marmot’s ledger sheet.”

The Elk Mountain herds had filed a civil suit against the state seeking retirement benefits and cost of living adjustments.

Mule deer and bighorns and mountain goats have been closely watching these proceedings. They are slated for a general walkout before the next hunting period in support of the elk.

“If all the animals who say they support the elk walks we will have no animals in the forest at all,” challenged Doe, perilously close to contempt charges.

Rutte closed the session by restating her position and instructed prosecutors to “take steps to insure” that what she called “disruptive, rebel factions” are on the job come black powder and bow season in 2016.

– Diego Paradise

Bovine kisses in the Andes

It has often been said that Colombian females are not too shy, and so it was on this bright afternoon in the hills outside of Manizales in Caldas.  (Toole of the Andes Photo Service)