All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Wall Street Bankers’ Organs Worthless to Science

(Mao Clinic — Hedger’s Review — June 22, 2016)

The American Medical Association, backing up affirmations by researchers here, has further established that organs donated by Wall Street bankers and most brokers are scientifically worthless. These include hearts, livers, as well as assorted nervous system parts and accessories.

In particular it is the heart that is of no use to medicine since that organ tends to shrink with every questionable transaction.

“While the chest may be extended the heart is most likely diminished due to professional associations, elitism and greed,” said one surgeon at Mao. “The hearts arrive post mortem and are sent back. Sometimes it requires a microscope to even see them much less detect a viable beat.”

Surgeons were quick to point out that any act of benevolence, such as willing one’s physical body to science, is appreciated by the hospital.

“They are also far too cold to be transplanted into the chest of a normal, warm-blooded human being,” added the source. “Most of their livers are shot as well due to years of alcohol abuse which tends to accompany the high stress work.”

The nervous system of the average Wall Street trader resembles the drive train on a rusted out Pinto (car not bean) and is of no use at all. Doctors here say many of the people are setting themselves up for an early end

“They should radically change their lifestyles, give away all their money and devote their lives to helping the poor,” said another Mao spokesperson, sliding into a bright red Alpha Romeo. “We at Mao are only happy to soothe this fiscal plight, especially if it leads to a healthier mind and body. After all, isn’t that what medicine is all about?”

None of the medical personnel cared to comment when asked about the value of Wall Street souls.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Killer Bee Update

(El Pasto — Winged Crier — June 14, 2016)

Throng of killer bees have reached the outskirts of El Paso, Texas this morning and are headed north. Having outflanked the thousands of armed Tea Party vigilantes the bees are expected to arrive on the grounds of Fort Bliss if the pollution doesn’t destroy their tiny lungs.

Scientists in Texas, who don’t believe in the Ozone, say that the bees will almost certainly be exposed to harmful rays of the sun and could go blind. Another scenario shows the bees smoking tobacco and succumbing to cancer and related maladies before they make Oklahoma.

The Department of Instigation has been busy building fences all along the US-Mexico border to keep out the aggressive pests that, by last tally, number in the quadric-millions. If the fence fails to stop the onslaught a plan to deprive the bees of sustenance by blacktopping Mexico is firmly on the back burner.

Patriotic Americans are instructed to stay inside their homes and watch television until this newly emerging peril passes.

Pot dispensaries and sex shop spin-offs

First it was the legalization of pot – then followed by a throng of sex shops like this one proving that marijuana is an entry drug that leads to heavier drug use, the loss of control and social perversion. Lawmakers in the Emerald City were quick to act shocked while making no legislative moves to combat this growing cancer.

Colona Airport Observes Milestone Crash

Wildcat Creek — Storm King Syndicate — June 12, 2016

With the downing of Rasta Air’s prop jet yesterday morning, Colona has achieved what few other facilities only dread. Since the opening of the air shuttle/express and mini golf in 1986 300 planes have been lost at or near the airport.

Runways and trees have been the physical culprits in most cases although weather is often merciless miles above the scrubby mesa landing zones. Local pilots credit the morbid milestone to the 10% grade and the nearby abode cliffs.

Excelsior Airlines has called Colona its hub since the early Nineties although no one has seen one of the company’s fresh, sparkly attendant staff since 2007. Attempts to contact the airline by carrier pigeon proved futile.

The Federal Aviation Authority is expected in town later in the week according to unreliable sources congregated near the milestone.

– Fred Zeppelin

U-KLEEN-IT Chain Opens on Slope

(Ridgway, CO — Satin Pillows to Cry On — June 11, 2016)

An innovative approach to lodging costs is on the horizon. The first U-KLEEN-IT motor lodge is slated to open this fall according to elated owners who currently operate like facilities in Utah and Wyoming.

The innkeepers plan to open motels all over Colorado where the guest does his own housekeeping.

The concept is a simple one. Each guest checks into a reasonably clean room in the evening and before checking out the next morning gives the place a good once over: washing sheets, vacuuming, taking out the trash, making beds. If the place looks good he can expect to take a discount of up to 35%. off the price of the room. Guests can save even more by bringing their own towels and toilet paper.

“We’ve had a lot of problems with the bathrooms, winced the director of Custodolounge Inc., U-Kleen-It’s parent corporation on the Western Slope. “Most people don’t mind the basic cleanup but hesitate when it comes to scouring the ceramic, if you catch my drift.”

Local lodge owners agree that the idea, along with this news story, is stupid and will never fly.

“This is a pinhead’s way to do business,” said one. “We can’t even get our clients to wash their own dishes.”

– Julienne Pettifogger

The South May Have Risen

(Charleston, SC — Dixie Doings — June 10,2016)

Retired cavalry officer, Jeb Stuart Forest, claims that the American South has risen. The grandson of Confederate stalwart, Nathaniel Bedford Forest, insists that the Confederacy should be reinstated due to simple economics.

Forests’ dollar-for-dollar math is all related to the net worth of a Confederate dollar bill, printed in 1862, compared to that of United States dollar bill printed last week.

“I am holding a Rebel bill in my right hand and a Yankee bill in my left,” he said. “Any fool can tell you which one is worth more, and I ain’t talking about gold standards here. It’s the Confederate bill!”

Collectors ascertained his dramatic decree, adding that a one-dollar Confederate bill in good shape could bring as much as five dollars from a serious collector.

“Like most fiscal markets this once fluctuates daily and can be determined by such factors as availability and geographical demand,” said one ______. “What sells for a buck and a half in Natchez, Mississippi might bring three dollars in Savannah.”

Forest estimates that a Confederate ten-dollar bill could bring as much as $125 while the U.S. counterpart can be had for face value.

“Since all the wars since Abraham, the prophet, not the president, have been fought entirely over economics, I think my point comes home to roost,” said Forest. “The government that no longer exists is stronger than the one that continues to stumble on into the 21st Century. If things keep looking up we might be able to take Pennsylvania without sending in Robert E Lee.”

Forest, who lost a finger during the liberation of Grenada, hopes his ideas might branch out and dictate banking policies all over what was the Confederate Sates of America.

– Ambrose Early