All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Japanese Purchase Hawaii
(Honolulu — Tokyo Rose Press — June 21, 2016)
Final details are expected today on the sale of Hawaii to Japan. With the closing slated for Friday, both sides appeared hesitant to disclose the deal. The selling price, although not official, is estimated to be twice what Bill Seward spent for Alaska in 1867 or roughly what the average Congressman spends campaigning each year.
The Japanese took control of the island after a gerrymandered vote in 2015 and at first agreed to a lend-lease /purchase. Then last month the Asian nation acquired rights to buy the islands outright.
The property in question was seized from the rightful owners by the United States. It later became the 50th state in the United States of America. Resentment toward the American occupation has shifted somewhat to the Japanese cultural domination over the past century.
“The islands fit the specific needs of Japan,” justified a realtor involved directly with the transaction. “We were all a little choked up to see her go but the expense at keeping the place up to snuff was breaking the U.S. budget.”
Critics of the arrangement hammered the Obama Administration over the sale even though they have demanded the government take a more conservative fiscal role.
“Let’s face it. They pretty much owned the place anyway,” said one Obama spokesman. “This was pretty much a formality.”
Profits from the sale are earmarked for a remodel of Puerto Rico, which has residents there quite concerned as to their future in this odd realignment.
– H. L. Menocken
Whoopee Cooler Guard Banned by State
(Gladstone, CO The Ice Man Whooped June 20, 2016)
The Colorado Division of Safety and Intrusion has banned the popular Brew-Toole Whoopee Cushion due to repeated over-heating violations, insufficient lighting and contested patent claims. The Whoopee, a sophisticated digital alarm system that fits tightly over one’s favorite beer cooler, warns against intruders from as far as 50 yards away, has sold well here.
Persons who purchased model #66779925 (2006-2016) will have until July 4 to turn systems into state investigation teams currently trolling the landscape for violators who are continuing to use the Whoopee.
“It’s like the program where the citizen turns in his handgun only they get nothing back,” said Mel Toole, who invented of the Whoopee while on night guard duty at a local dog food factory. “At first people bought them as conversation pieces like wooden teeth or Elvis salt shakers. Then they found out how well the Whoopee works.”
The product had been sold with an assortment of verbal/audio alarms from: “Hey ass-hole get you mitts out of my beer cooler” to penetrating bells, obnoxious sirens, simulated nuclear blasts or the downright terrifying screams of a cornered capuchin monkey in heat. Social and more passive signals can be sent electronically, such as in the case of the witless human pest who insists on using your beer cooler as a seat near the fire.
The No Frills Brew-Toole Whoopee sells for $45 (plus batteries). Toole continues to sell the units at several disguised fruit stands along the Rim Rock Border of Colorado and Utah near the steamy river port of La Sal Junction.
“There is nothing unsafe about my invention,” stressed Toole. “It’s safer than driving in downtown Delta and far safer than most of the food we eat.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
Last newsprint edition out this weekend
Summer issue out! June 16, 2016
Warning: Newsprint Unsafe?
(Tomichi, CO — Thames Times — June 17, 2016)
The long held practice of wrapping fish and chips in common newsprint has come under attack once again by journalists and consumer groups concerned with health and safety of hungry diners.
Thanks to an indignant piece appearing in Stiff Upper Lip, a somewhat flippant culinary magazine circulated in Great Britain, the cleanliness of newsprint has once again been called into question. According to the author the food is exposed to the ink and chemicals inherent to the wrapping paper. In addition the paper is likely to be germ-ridden due to exposure to vermin in plants and press rooms.
The introduction of malt or vinegar to the traditional fish and potato fare is like “mixing tainted combustibles or frayed explosives” then serving them to the unwary public. The results, so it says, can be disastrous. The article goes on in small print to admit that although the newsprint might not be appetizing, there has never been a recorded death linked to the consumption of the staple/newsprint combination.
In fact, no one has ever reported getting ill from the procedure.
When contacted by phone over the noon hour the majority of the fish and chip stands in Manchester and Leeds said they would continue to wrap the product in newspapers in support of the Fourth Estate in the country. Data collected on the affects of eating greasy food wrapped in electronic websites was inconclusive and thrown into the trash.
– Alfalfa Romero
TOOLE SHOTS DAZZLING 19 ON DOS RIOS COURSE
(GUNNISON – June 16, 2016) Fairway wizard Melvin Toole has shocked the golf world by recording a course record 19 over the weekend. Flaming his way through the first nine without a hitch, Toole’s drive on 17 just wouldn’t drop, rolling around the hole three times before stopping on the green.
Caddie Simone Simone told The Horseshoe that many in the gallery complained of neck injuries after watching the spiraling motion of the ball go round and around the on the lip of the cup.
“If it weren’t for that disastrous 17th he would have been perfect,” said the caddie. “Lots of golfers spend years just trying to break par. They take lessons, buy expensive equipment and get ulcers over such a silly game. Remember: It was invented by the Scots, who had been clearly exposed to yesterday’s haggis.”
This was only Toole’s second time on a golf corpse, having played the Montrose Course (recording a 22) Thursday. If he keeps up this fiery pace he will have to be considered the top contender in the Fairway Pines Bazooka Shoot slated for the Thirty-Fifth.
Appearing in what has become his trademark attire: a stunning red crepe blazer with matching whipped cream argyle suspenders, impressive asbestos chaps, your everyday competition flippers and a rigidly flumed stovepipe hat, Toole told reporters that his secret is to relax and hit the ball as hard as possible.
“Often I close my eyes right at the point of contact or aim for another golfer,” smiled the linkster. “The pro here says that as soon as I can get around to buying some irons my game should continue to improve.”
Toole said he took up golf because he likes to ride around in a the little carts drinking beer. He said the game reminded him a lot of croquet except that it wasn’t quite as painful being hit in the forehead with the golf ball.
– Rocky Flats
“I’m a great putter. I just can’t seem to get the ball to go into the little hole.” – Melvin Toole, famous greenskeeper.
