Wall Street Bankers’ Organs Worthless to Science

(Mao Clinic — Hedger’s Review — June 22, 2016)

The American Medical Association, backing up affirmations by researchers here, has further established that organs donated by Wall Street bankers and most brokers are scientifically worthless. These include hearts, livers, as well as assorted nervous system parts and accessories.

In particular it is the heart that is of no use to medicine since that organ tends to shrink with every questionable transaction.

“While the chest may be extended the heart is most likely diminished due to professional associations, elitism and greed,” said one surgeon at Mao. “The hearts arrive post mortem and are sent back. Sometimes it requires a microscope to even see them much less detect a viable beat.”

Surgeons were quick to point out that any act of benevolence, such as willing one’s physical body to science, is appreciated by the hospital.

“They are also far too cold to be transplanted into the chest of a normal, warm-blooded human being,” added the source. “Most of their livers are shot as well due to years of alcohol abuse which tends to accompany the high stress work.”

The nervous system of the average Wall Street trader resembles the drive train on a rusted out Pinto (car not bean) and is of no use at all. Doctors here say many of the people are setting themselves up for an early end

“They should radically change their lifestyles, give away all their money and devote their lives to helping the poor,” said another Mao spokesperson, sliding into a bright red Alpha Romeo. “We at Mao are only happy to soothe this fiscal plight, especially if it leads to a healthier mind and body. After all, isn’t that what medicine is all about?”

None of the medical personnel cared to comment when asked about the value of Wall Street souls.

– Kashmir Horseshoe