All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Bear Poker
The following was whispered to me in perfect pentameter
by a large black bear that I met in the alley one winter night
behind Duckett’s Market in Ouray.
Why the bear chose to share the story is still not clear.
Jump in whenever the spirit moves you.
Jimmy John Card and his pal, Chip McCann
sat at Callahan’s table and dealt out bum hands.
The green felt was honored, a tenderfoot from France
Who brandished fine cutlery and a gun in his pants.
Through shuffles and side bets, throats cleared, poker stares
Drinks all around and in the fourth chair a bear.
That was me…the fourth player disguised in a cloak
though my hairy exterior, suspect when I spoke.
But first human misgivings about cheats and bold liars
were confirmed by my chip stack and their gold dust desires.
It started out friendly as the cards came around
and the chatter subsided as the wagers laid down.
It was Card with three aces and the Frenchman with four
that started the ruckus, accusations and more.
Then a blessed distraction of dance hall girl charm
kept the well-armed bartender from sounding alarm.
The Frenchman collected while Card bit his lip
and the lady departed with a drink and a tip.
“Let Charley sit in” squawked an anxious McCann
“Five’s a crowd” said the others poker faces in hand.
I grabbed the deck quickly calm invited, cards shuffled
crisply dealing them out, smoothing feathers just ruffled.
This time it was Card who raised up the bets
at each turn he went higher, it was he and I left.
What ya gonna do, bear? chided Card through his cigar
I’m staying I growled. Let’s see the last card.
I couldn’t believe it—Lady Luck’s hand of fate
with the nine of spades down I had pulled a small straight.
You’re cheatin screamed Card, when he saw all the spades.
I stared back at his pistol and death’s tight masquerade.
Now hold on a minute! checked McCann with a stare
This bear here is honest his spades fair and square.
And Card was placated though the loss was a jolt
and under the table he fingered his Colt.
Again cards were delivered and the bets were laid down
Plastic angels with wishes, nothing showin’ but frowns.
The pot’s right, and healthy, let the winner surmise
all the players were drooling at the sight of the prize.
I’ll raise ten said the Frenchman, and have no regrets
Hold your horses said Card, the pot’s not quite yours yet.
Card’s hand was one color, all diamonds in fact
The Frenchman held three queens, backed up by two jacks.
When the cards hit the table it was Card that first drew
his silver revolver provoking the coup
Then McCann pulled his rifle out from under his seat
and fired close range then made a retreat
The bullets dropped Card who had time to react
and his effort on target hit McCann in the back.
The Frenchman then gazed at Gehenna’s fine treasure
as a bullet tore through him, then one more for good measure.
It ain’t me that shot Frenchy, was the bartender’s finger
that pulled the slick trigger—no reason to linger.
The saloon crowd ducked down so the spittoons confide
while I grabbed up the money and made haste for outside
Swiping the pot was not much of a chore
the tin-horn bartender shaking, while he cleaned up the floor.
Three dead were the bounty, their souls with Old Scratch
and a black bear with money makes quite a nice catch.
I took every penny and bought drinks for my friends
who couldn’t believe I had come to such ends.
Now my fortunate windfall is down to one stack
Here’s hoping that devil don’t want his chips back.
June 9, 2016
– Melvin Toole
Biotech Pioneer Sloppy Housekeeper Says Mom
(Goat Gap, TN — El Moody Foodie — June 8, 2016)
A pioneer in the field of biotech foods often did dishes with a blow torch and carried out involuntary bacterial experiments in his refrigerator, says his mother.
“Mel would constantly rake his living room to keep it free of encroaching debris while discovering some 33 new species of mold growing to the size of a small dog in his vegetable crisper,” smiled Lucille “Mother Melba” Toole, hurling enthusiast and boat builder from Crookhaven in West Cork.
“I don’t approve of what those boys are doing over at the lab,” said the maternal Toole. “I don’t think people should eat food that has been tampered with, or modified genetically. Everything was fine on the job since that Monsatan rascal joined up. My boy Melvin may have 15 advanced degrees but what good are they when he spends the day making chemical fish sticks out of cloned egg shells.”
– Attila Diggins
“The Greatest” RIP
Boxer Cassius Clay, later known as Muhammad Ali, playfully hits The Beatles while at his training camp. From left to right: Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Ringo Starr, and George Harrison.
Japonesa Compra Hawaii
(Honolulu – Tokio Rose Prensa – June 6, 2016)
Se espera que los detalles finales de hoy sobre la venta de Hawai a Japón. Con el cierre programado para el viernes, ambas partes parecían reacios a revelar el trato. El precio de venta, aunque no oficial, se estima que es el doble de lo que Bill Seward pasó de Alaska en 1867, o más o menos lo que el promedio congresista gasta campaña cada año.
Los japoneses tomaron el control de la isla después de una votación Gerrymandered en 2015 y al principio acordaron un préstamo y arriendo / compra. Entonces el mes pasado la nación asiática derechos adquiridos para comprar las islas de plano.
La propiedad en cuestión fue arrebatada a los legítimos propietarios de los estados unidos. Más tarde se convirtió en el estado número 50 en los Estados Unidos de América. El resentimiento hacia la ocupación estadounidense se ha desplazado un tanto a la dominación cultural japonesa durante el siglo pasado.
“Las islas se ajustan a las necesidades específicas de Japón”, justifica un agente de bienes raíces involucrados directamente con la transacción. “Todos estábamos un poco ahogada hasta ver que se vaya, pero el gasto en mantener el lugar hasta el tabaco estaba rompiendo el presupuesto de Estados Unidos.”
Los críticos de la disposición martillado la Administración Obama sobre la venta a pesar de que han exigido que el gobierno asuma un papel fiscal más conservadora.
“Seamos sinceros. Ellos prácticamente dueños del lugar de todos modos “, dijo un portavoz de Obama. “Esto era más o menos una formalidad”.
Los beneficios de la venta se destinarán a una remodelación de Puerto Rico, que tiene residentes allí bastante preocupados en cuanto a su futuro en esta realineación impar.
– H. L. Menocken
Bunker Reruns Making Impact
(Bland Valley — Television and Trivia — June 5, 2016)
Ever since local television has been presenting reruns of Norman Lear’s All in the Family, an ultra-popular weekly series originating in January of 1971, the lead character Archie Bunker has been getting a lot of attention. Surprisingly, a vast majority of viewers strongly relate to the fictitious Queens factory worker/philosopher, played to acclaim by Carroll O’Connor.
Many, who have trouble separating real life from, life portrayed on the TV screen, classified the program as drama rather than comedy.
Of the 400 people surveyed 325 thought Archie was a reasonable man at an unreasonable time. They say he was just a good guy trying to make a living. 80% said the Bunker family was highly functional. Most agreed that they would share a beer with Bunker. Six people said they thought he would make a good President.
In an impromptu man-on-the-street poll 93% said that even if they did not completely agree with the character they could understand his line of thinking from 45 years ago. Of the males interviewed a whopping 96% said they wish their wives were more like Edith. Most added that they would never allow a liberal son-in-law in their homes.
Cultural despots conducted further audits throughout Western Colorado but the findings were stifled when some pinko meathead dingbat lost the statistics.
– Lionel Stivic
Bombs Away Bullet Babies!
GOP/NRA delegates arrived in Cleveland early to get a good seat for the Republican Convention. Note the traditional straw hats, symbolizing the juvenile jingoism that often pervades this wasteful fiasco. Democracy-Lite has masqueraded for true democracy since 1782. Mindless robots pledge allegiance and mumble patriotic songs but don’t comprehend the meaning behind it all. In an interesting modification from past years, the Cleveland GOP Convention center doors will be locked from the outside so as to avoid spillover into the mainstream of American life. (Sammy Jingo Photo)
