Whoopee Cooler Guard Banned by State

(Gladstone, CO   The Ice Man Whooped   June 20,  2016)

The Colorado Division of Safety and Intrusion has banned the popular Brew-Toole Whoopee Cushion due to repeated over-heating violations, insufficient lighting and contested patent claims. The Whoopee, a sophisticated digital alarm system that fits tightly over one’s favorite beer cooler, warns against intruders from as far as 50 yards away, has sold well here.

Persons who purchased model #66779925 (2006-2016) will have until July 4 to turn systems into state investigation teams currently trolling the landscape for violators who are continuing to use the Whoopee.

“It’s like the program where the citizen turns in his handgun only they get nothing back,” said Mel Toole, who invented of the Whoopee while on night guard duty at a local dog food factory. “At first people bought them as conversation pieces like wooden teeth or Elvis salt shakers. Then they found out how well the Whoopee works.”

The product had been sold with an assortment of verbal/audio alarms from: “Hey ass-hole get you mitts out of my beer cooler” to penetrating bells, obnoxious sirens, simulated nuclear blasts or the downright terrifying screams of a cornered capuchin monkey in heat. Social and more passive signals can be sent electronically, such as in the case of the witless human pest who insists on using your beer cooler as a seat near the fire.

The No Frills Brew-Toole Whoopee sells for $45 (plus batteries). Toole continues to sell the units at several disguised fruit stands along the Rim Rock Border of Colorado and Utah near the steamy river port of La Sal Junction.

“There is nothing unsafe about my invention,” stressed Toole. “It’s safer than driving in downtown Delta and far safer than most of the food we eat.”

-Tommy Middlefinger