All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
The People’s Quart
(An indicting synopsis of legal goings-on
under the friendly green awning of jurisprudence)
The following data is lifted directly from court documents in Town of Jingo, County of Manana, Colorado. The information is released with the approval of principals herein for the benefit of personal freedom and access jurisdiction.
Idarado Mining Company vs. People of Colorado
At this point the saga attorneys for Idarado/Newmont Mining and Milling are just about to present “conclusive and irreversible evidence” that Idarado is not guilty of spilling waste into Bear Creek and therefore not responsible for future cleanups or EPA foreclosures. Instead, they assert, that less than hygienic Hippies swimming in the creek during the 1977 Telluride Bluegrass Festival polluted the water. The lawyers are asking that the court confiscate Bluegrass receipts to identify and prosecute the offenders and stop pointing the finger at the mining industry. Attempts to contact the alleged perpetrators has been slow going since many, almost forty years later, are out selling real estate.
Idarado/Newmont has also blamed for the presence of PCBs, acetone and trichloroethane in local rivers, on local Ute bands, which were forcibly vacated from the premises in 1874. That accusation will be undressed on the federal quart docket in December. A change of venue to the planet Mars is expected.
San Juan Horseshoe vs. Barnacle Media
Can a respectable journalist leave his bar tab to a colleague after death? Publisher and Retired General Horseshoe has gone all the way down to the knuckles on this one. His will, drawn up as a conclusive precedence to what is inevitable, leaves a stunning bar arrangements in Crested Butte (With all of the privileges and responsibilities of the working press) to Crested Butte News editor Mark Reaman. Horseshoe, who is still quite warm, claims that the tab options constitute roughly 3 times the value of his estate and thus cancels any advertising fees due the News.
He has gone on record as saying he would like to the keep the matter out of probate court because “everyone could die of thirst while that institution establishes jurisdiction much less validity over the avowed, albeit spirituous pact.” Reaman was not in quart this morning preferring to journey to Denver to accept a Ski Writer’s Award for penmanship.
Po’ Folk vs. Vail
The more than 300 persons were arrested in Eagle County on Saturday during a Poor People’s March on Vail were arraigned this morning. After promising to subsist and go home the violators were released on two months probation and a fifty-dollar fine that all but 3 refused to pay. Lawyers representing what the tastefully coiffured media are calling The Vail 300 are calling for the immediate release of all prisoners from the Gerald Ford Work and Ski Facility at Beavercreek, where they currently labor making turns, washing towels and picking up trash.
Civil liberties attorneys, who have joined the melee, are seeking an injunction against Vail that would provide for housing and mass transport for the workers in question. Circuit Judge, Oliver Cromwell has pledged to satisfy all concerns by the weekend. The Vail 300 inmates are expected to be moved to the John Elway Minimum Security Trailer Park in Minturn by later today.
June 29, 2016
Hunters must employ caddies in 2017
(Rocky Mountain Hideaway – Logistical Laughs – June 26, 2016)
It was a day that many said would never come. Today the Colorado Division of Wildlife approved the Mandatory Caddie Law for all out-of-state hunters. The new regulation, which requires all hunters travel with a caddie, has been receiving increased lip service since incidents of chronic operator error have skyrocketed in certain ranks.
Colorado residents will not be obliged to employ an aide-de-camp although they are encouraged to do so.
“This way we can better insure a more diverse circulation of funds generated by hunters. We hope it will more evenly distribute the all important fiscal impact curve,” said Sandy Bunker, of the DOW/Fairway Division, “or they may fire all of our asses.”
Due to harsh criticism that it has manipulated the purse strings of the annual hunting season, the DOW is attempting to spread the wealth outside the arenas of grocery and convenience stores into the pockets of Americans. Over 400 caddies have already enrolled in the program.
Candidates must be over four feet tall, be amenable to working nights and have a strong background in land management.
– Gabby Haze
Pope Urges Faithful to Play Golf
(Vatican City — June 25, 2016) Pope Francis today encouraged a throng of believers mobbing St. Peter’s Basilica that a round of golf is perfectly compatible with spirituality and makes a fine follow-through to an hour or so cramped in a pew.
“Sunday is still the day of rest where I come from,” said the Pontiff in his native tongue. “And I find lofting a nine iron onto the green or dropping a 20-foot putt quite restful.”
On the subject of skipping church altogether in favor of more golf the Pope scowled and said that would be between the golfer and his conscience.
“My grandfather played plenty of golf in Buenos Aires and I often caddied for him,” continued Bergoglio, the first Pope from the Americas. “He cursed a bit but handed out valuable, life-lesson advice. Once he told me that it was far better to look for the ball in the middle of the fairway, where you hoped it had landed, rather than wasting time beating the bush or combing the water hazards for it. He said it was a metaphor, like the Tango.”
Whether or not other Evangelicals will come onboard with this Sunday suggestion is unclear although the Presbyterians and the Episcopates have been tearing up the links for decades. Leading Baptists have flirted with the idea for some time but remain concerned that it might cut into evening services on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.
Readers may recall Puritans Banned Golf in 1677. “Foolish waste of time… Silly, causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases,. Often causes citizens to dress flamboyantly and is not in keeping with the modest dress of a God-fearing gentleman.
Pope Francis, who was never a stand-up comedian or scratch golfer while in Argentina became interested in these skills once he lived in Rome.
– St. Roscoe of Fairways
Warning to all local bear
Public services # 611 — June 24, 2016
Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. We are tired of cleaning up after you. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we fell are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!
– Dos Rios Golf Course Management
More bears than tourists?
“I spent at least 24 hours in Alaska and only saw six bears. It was light all the time.” – Melvin O’Toole. Photo and copy by Jeff Brown, The Juneau What?
Woman Hit By Golf Ball Looks to Politics
(Montrose, CO — June 22, 2016) A local woman, struck by a colossal drive at The Bridges on Thursday has decided to embrace a career in politics. Susie Compost, of Pea Green, was hit on the top of the head by a Top Flight ball while she lined up a putt.
At first she considered legal action but was persuaded to look in more positive directions.
“Once she regained her senses she decided that running for office would give her something to do in the afternoons,” said a close friend and mentor. “She plays 18 every morning.”
At present neither major party has shown much interest.
Compost, a mustache trainer by profession, told The Horseshoe that a position as county commissioner was attractive but that she might consider a run for the White House.
Although a rare occasion, golfers do not always duck properly, and a few get bonked every season.
“It’s just a part of the game like bunkers and bears on the greens,” she smiled.
– Rocky Flats
“Remember to swing through it, to undress the ball.”
– Lee Traveno
