All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Poodle Outfitter
Tracking Big Game
with Pierre le Gallant
Soon bear season will be upon us and if you’re looking to find any of these furry beasts you’re gona have to get out into the woods. My favorite spots are Roubidoux Canyon, Black Mesa and the wilds of the Uncompahgre Plateau.
I am the Poodle Outfitter. Logistics are my business.
There are plenty of methods aimed at attracting black bears. The most primitive, yet popular is to bury a dead cow and wait. Bear love the delicacy of carcasses full of maggots. They often bury their food before eating.
Another way to lure the bear into the staging area is o use candy. They love the stuff. Usually one can acquire seconds from Russell Stover or one of his friends. Simply bury the candy about a foot deep…and sprinkle a few pieces on the surface. The bear will find it.
The practice of stealing a bear cub from its mother might work but most likely turn into a fiasco. Baiting works better, and is far safer.
Remember that bear climb trees like chimps and travel at the speed of a slow cheetah. The concept here is to tree a bear not have the bear tree the hunter. Many hunters use dogs to tree the bear then shoot it from the safety of their entourage. How brave. I prefer to shoot elk because the neat is far better and the toy manufacturers do not offer a teddy elk to little children.
After one shoots a bear he has to skin it. I have an arsenal of tools for this purpose. Send my $70 and I’ll forward an exclusive brochure. I have mounted bear and lion heads all over my little dog house. Along with these is the bull elephant I shot in Kenya last winter and the polar bear I nailed with a #6 missile launcher in Siberia in June.
But no more free information. If you want to get out there where men are men call me on my 800 number and arrange a pack trip. Anyone can shoot a prairie dog or land a trout. It takes cajones to blast a bear.
July 2, 2016
Pot Growing – The Alaskan way
Photo by Jeff Brown
Do you have blue blood like out like our elected “leaders”?
photo by Jeff Brown in Juneau What?
Lawn Therapy Saves the Day
(Grassy Mojo, CO — June 29, 2016
Most of my friends think I’m a moron because I spend so much time working in my yard. They say I could be drinking or watching sports on TV. Some say I am even anal-retentive because I relish a lush, green field of grass and healthy trees.
My contention holds that this type of daytime activity is worth more than surface peeks might let on. It could very well be the most readily available therapy because it’s right outside the door. It could just be the most effective stress relief and a lucid meditative opportunity going.
Imagine the benefits garnished by watering a Russian olive tree and watching it perk up in the late afternoon sun. Try hauling leaves and branches to the dump for the ultimate cleansing. Look at your beautiful green lawn now. It certainly gives one a sense of natural order as well as the realization that he is only a small cog in this planetary mess we call civilization.
The trick is to get an early jump on your lawn before it gets a jump on you. I start every morning with riding mower calisthenics. Getting up before dawn is especially effective when fighting crabgrass and weeds. Always attack at dawn. I don’t recall who first said these immortal words but it doesn’t matter.
While some guys and gals are at the golf course or hanging their fat butts off a barstool I am up to mine in grass clippings. What a feeling! By mid-morning it’s time to move the sprinklers then a light lunch. After eating we move into the more technical aspects of our chore
Continued on Folly or Fertility, hiding in the cosmic turf wars
Counter-Espionage Chief Says Aliens Inhabit Congress
(Moscow — Red Sky at Night — June 29, 2016)
A former counter-espionage agent working for the KGB and the CIA claims that a majority of the United States Congressmen are in-your-face extraterrestrials or brazen aliens from other planets and galaxies.
Retired Soviet spy, Kaslov Yowski, a recent arrival to the retirement community here. His indictment is backed up by what he insists are mounds of data collected during the Cold War and warehoused near his boyhood home of Vasilkovf, in the lush vodka growing region of Murmansk, in extreme northwest Russia.
“As a young boy we watched as aliens landed nearby, hundreds of them preparing for the stark voyage or land crossing into the wastelands of Alaska,’ started Yowski sipping a chilled potato-derivative on ice. “They had on goal in mind: Make it to Washington and take over the government. Why someone with the ability to travel here from light years away would want to dabble in petty politics is beyond my comprehension,” he frowned. “It must be some kind of Fifth Columnist thing.”
Are Washington’s gloried insiders really the ultimate outsiders? Will Yowski spill the cosmic beans? Please show your birth certificate at the door.
– Stinky Weehoff
Catsup Legislation on Hot Seat
(Bowling Green, OH — Meatball Examiner — May 2016)
A bitterly contested bill that would punish people who routinely abuse catsup has reached the Colorado Senate this morning. Having passed the House by a vote of more than 3 – 1, the bill seems destined for approval despite heavy lobbying. Attempts to kill the legislation in committee failed and were tabled until tomatoes begin to taste like tomatoes again.
Big Catsup, as represented by Heinz and other mega concerns say the passage of the bill would mean restrictive measures on catsup users upsetting the flow and creating unemployment.
Supporters of the legislation say chefs, cooks, and backyard connoisseurs deserve some relief. They contend that the entire culture is up against the wall of catsup.
“We do not want to criminalize the use of catsup,” said one proponent of the bill. “We just want to discourage its use with certain food groups and certain preparations of certain food groups.”
The issue of catsup abuse has been constantly deferred while the state nonchalantly promises to prosecute him but not her and those people but not the others. It is clear we need state and federal agencies to keep the lid on here.
“Any item that takes more than 20 minutes to prepare should be restricted from the mindless application of catsup,” popped in one supporter of tighter controls. “Omelets, fish, prime cuts of meat and most ethnic food should never be catsup tampered or in any way transformed by the application of sweet, cold tomato sauce.”
In related news, burger magnate Ronald McDonald, the fast food clown who succeeded in convincing the federal gov’ment that catsup was a vegetable back in 1982, was run over by a tofu truck in Grand Junction this afternoon. He passed on after a short struggle on the cold floor of one of his nearby restaurants, a fighter until the end.
– Hymie Heinz
