All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Local Woman Loses Battle With Cat Over Lizard Torture
(El Jebel — August 18, 2016)
A local woman, who wishes to remain inanimate, has tragically lost her courageous battle with local cat, Fluffy, over Fluffy’s alleged use of recreational lizard torture at the women’s residence, each summer since 2009.
The local woman, identified only as a living female who resides somewhere people would gossip about, has announced that she will immediately give up her seven-year battle with Fluffy over what she has called the Cat’s “annual insanely macabre practice of outright lizard torture in order to help pass the hours during those lazy, hazy days of summer.”
Answering reporter’s questions, the local woman, who was fully clothed prior to the announcement, said this:
“I give up. This is ridiculous. That cat is playing me as a fool. Last year it just kept chewing off little parts of the lizard’s tail. One night, the Cat begged me to let its little lizard friend Larry sleep-over. Larry’s tail was already noticeably shorter than it should have been, but I relented. The next morning I found that Larry had less than half of his tail left. Still, the Cat pleaded. ‘Oh, please? Can’t my little friend Larry sleep over tonight? Look! He loves me!
“Sure, I knew that part of the Cat’s story just didn’t ring true. I could plainly see that the Cat’s little pal Larry was getting smaller each night. Larry’s eyes weren’t so bright as the fence lizard picture in the little golden book of animals nobody cares about. Still, I looked at Fluffy, knowing Larry seemed to be the Cat’s only friend, and I let Larry sleep over.”
“Next morning, Larry had no tail left at all and was lying upside down next to the Cat on the sofa. The Cat broke the uncomfortable silence with, ‘Me and Larry were wondering what’s for breakfast?’
“I picked up Larry’s short, dazed body and I removed him to an undisclosed safe house where he had everything he needed to recover and start a new life.
Next morning I found Larry on the floor in the kitchen, no tail and his head and legs were missing. The Cat sat on the kitchen table and cleaned its feet on my placemat. Then it said, ‘wasn’t The Godfather a great movie?’
“That was last year. It’s started again this year with a new lizard. I’m no match for that Cat. I know that now. I just wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago.”
Such a tragic story, yet not uncommon in our own neighborhoods. The San Juan Horseshoe wishes to thank this local woman for the courage to speak with us about her own personal hell, created by the unassuming Fluffy the Cat.
– Lina Baquer
August 7, 2016
Tolstoy, Others Found in Village
(Moscow — Red Square Circular — Aug 29, 2016)
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Anton Chekhov and Maxim Gorki, all long thought dead, have been positively identified, living life in the remote village of Yerkilansk in a remote region called Krasnoyarsk in central Russia
Remnants of the Russian news agency TASS report that the four have been in Yerkilansk since their banishment by a series of Czars and Bolsheviks during the early 20th Century. They are said to be collaborating several novels, essays and screenplays within the framework of the Ernest Sagas, which were originally written as a satire on Czarist, and later Soviet, life in Russia.
The four remained defiant through the 70s and 80s when they refused to write Communist propaganda in return for more food and firewood. Despite their lengthy ordeal they all appeared to be in good health and humor. In the mid-90s the post-Soviet administration called on them to welcome Glasnost and anointed them “guests of he state” rather than “political interns”. They were then free to come and go as they pleased, although in Yerkilansk there are not many places to come and go to.
“On one walk we encountered three hungry Russian brown bear and decided to curb our geographic enthusiasm and stay closer to the village,” said Gorki. “Everywhere there is snow! It is possible to get lost or at least disoriented within a mile from this paltry civilization.”
The creative breakthrough in collective labor came when Chekov envisioned “all that is the Ernestine” and became a full time follower of that stringent doctrine. A flourish of work followed quickly as the other greats jumped on board and began pumping out short sagas of Ernest. Favorites like “Ernest Goes to Indoctrination Camp”, “Ernest Goes to a For Profit Prison” and Ernest Saves Christmas from the Pagans” come to mind here.
Although most Americans may not remember Ernest, a far greater number do not recognize the names of Russian novelists. This desire for further notoriety appears to be the driving force in the tumultuous tasks facing the novelists. Speaking through a translator, the celebrated author of Anna Karenina said, “Anton and Fyodor were invaluable in fermenting novels and plays during what literary critics refer to as the Early Ernest Period (1994-2000). Maxim performed at high altitude warp speed even though we aren’t familiar with that mode quite yet.”
What followed shook the literary world. Four great Russian pens working together on Ernest Invades Afghanistan, finishing it up in time for the semi-annual vodka harvest. This true masterpiece will outlive governments, break ageless traditions and survive the elements. Four enlightened artists, in insulated leisure suits and Sorrels on a long arctic holiday, have collectively captured the essence of Ernest. Tolstoy credits his associates in a long-winded introduction in which he compares the collaborative process to “checkmate in the dark.”
Meanwhile the real life Ernest, accompanied by a close friend named Vern is expected to arrive in Yerkilansk on Friday to examine the life-prolonging waters of the Kubinichev River. The two hope to escort the four novelists to Disneyland and into a recording studio in May.
“I just hope the Dodgers are in town,” said Gorki. “The last time I was in L.A. was in 1903 and the team was still in Brooklyn.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Trump Seeks Asylum in Russian Consulate
(Atlantic City — August 16, 2016) Republican Presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump has reportedly taken refuge in the Russian Consulate here. Close aides, disappearing by the day, say he plans to seek amnesty in an attempt to avoid releasing tax data.
Whether the move has anything to do with the closure of the Taj Mahal Casino, the billionaire would not say. Despite promising to bring jobs back to the United States Trump is actively shipping his casino (in pieces, sans employees) to Malaysia.
Election analysts think Trump has gone into hiding to avoid the fallout from his comments since winning the GOP nomination. Sources within the Secret Service are allegedly hard pressed to protect the demagogue since there are so many groups who might like to “interview” him.
“He has made more enemies in six weeks than Hitler and Stalin combined,” said one agent who demanded animosity. “Hillary is disliked but this Trump person has descended into a whole new category of unpopular. His mouth makes our job almost impossible to perform within the guidelines of security and diplomacy.”
The Russian diplomatic mission in New Jersey had no comment on the proceedings, denying knowledge of any amnesty requests. Whether Trump will seek the protection of Russian President Vladimir Putin, whom he has praised repeatedly during the campaign, was not discussed.
The drastic change of status could backfire on Trump since even the dumbest voters are vacillating over the development. Election officials are stunned and not sure what action to take in light of the repositioning. Many here feel Trump will go into self-imposed exile at his golf course in Scotland.
“The Scots aren’t keen on having him there either. Let’s just sit tight,” said one Democrat. “It’s only a matter of time before he offends the consulate staff and they throw him and his hair out on his ear.
– Marlene Marvy
Nyuck…Nyuck…Happy Birthday Surprise!
Happy Birthday to two people I truly love. One I know well. The other I’ll be meeting this week.
Drone Soup
World Classifine Ads — August 14, 2016
Learn the ancient art of pick pocketing before the holidays. Earn extra Christmas money while out at the mall or on the street after dark. Work three hours a day and put money away each night. Bonded. Alternative Lifestyles Cell block #889, Canon City, CO
Land of the Midnight Sun Counseling is now accepting clients for the winter months. Alaskan sociologists will visit your home or office for slightly extra fee. Get sensitive while you’re at work or asleep. Deal with shortages and Eskimo antics. Large bears not included. Call the Dark Room at the Juneau What. Approved by law enforcement and your mom.
Anger management while you wait. Bring boxing gloves and small beating instrument. Get mad – get beat. Put simple physics to work for you. No marks. Guaranteed results. Comrades in Sweat. Dr Simon Lackluster, Heartbreak Hotel Terrace, Goodenough Gulch.
Will scrape windshields for free until October. Mack the Hack, Gunnison. Specializing in underwater wheelbarrow photography, groundless opinions and quantum foot massage. Saturday mornings only in Sapinero. 140,000 miles without major enzyme malfunction.
Improve tunnel vision without surgery. Dial 17 and hold it.
Company specializing in information services for visiting dignitaries and peace negotiators seeks information on nightlife and entertainment amenities for new brochure on Dayton, Ohio. We have had successful track records in Mogadishu, Paris, Helsinki, Geneva and Camp David. Our guides and packages have drawn praise in Havana, Cairo, Berlin and Toronto. Need help here. Anyone who can provide sufficient information on Dayton will be lavishly rewarded. Diplomat Exchange and Antiques, Political Prisoner Circle, Brooklyn, NY.
Succulent Yucca plant would like to meet others of same persuasion for a fertile, perennial relationship. Well-rooted. No plastic geraniums, gourds, fungi or thallophytic loafers. Blind Box 3, Pinkyville.
Lost: Mustache wax grinder neat Old St. Lazare Station last Thursday morning. If found please contact Claude Monet. Small reward.
Red has three two-tone caribou calves, two females and one male. Great when the snow comes. Even better on lawns and vacant lot maintenance. Lovely temperaments. Mouse broken and registered. See Red at Quezon City Trading Post in Rudy’s Canyon. Could make great polo ponies if they were horses. No snails before noon.
For auction to the highest bidder: Verified 1941 instructor’s manual for the HMS Hood. Also have pilot’s log for the Enola Gay. Serious offers only. Casey Jones, Colona Railroad Yard.
Our donuts aren’t going to the Rio Olympics! They’re staying here at La Zona de Colona Coffee House. Are these really the best tasting donuts in North America? Need you ask? Now open in Colona. Try our Drive-Thru.
Need full-figured man or woman to deliver left-wing newspapers to thin, chronically ill recluses. Jolly Enterprises. Call our 800 number!
Romance columnist needed for Gunnison Times. Must be well versed in logical application of hormones and tangled webs just below the surface. No Irish.
Expert and creative lawn mowing by Earl. Buzzes, spikes, flat tops and cranial work our specialty. Like your hair a little longer? Here’s introducing Peggy Sue on her riding mower. Half-price Tuesdays no longer applicable in Egnar or Cahone. Remember: When the snow falls prices go up!
Will dry dock your backyard barbecue apparatus through the winter. Safe, secure storage. No termites. Extended hours for fall. Charles Gaffe, Charcoal, WY.
Brothels Still Fuming Over Lotto Disbursements
(Gothic, CO — August 13, 2016) Local brothels in these mountains are accusing the Colorado Gaming Commission of misuse of public funds. Insisting that funds collected from gambling in the state have not been dispensed in accordance with the law.
“Despite the initial agreement insuring that a percentage of the take would go toward recreation, we have not seen a lousy dime,” said Flaura Pure-Tater, a well-preserved madame from the 20th Century. Our industry was founded and has thrived on the concept since the beginning of time.”
A class-action suit has been filed in Denver and known employees of the State of Colorado have been barred from erotic premises until further notice. A moratorium on activity may be extended to include vendors and others who do business within the confines of the Colorado Lottery. One private operator, Ruby Siesta, has moved her operation over to Schofield so as to “undress the undercurrent of wailing and palpitations while the amorous wait it out.”
The ill repute forked out much needed support when the idea of a state lottery first appeared, thinking it would be included on payday. Now they want a chunk of the change.
Prostitution was legalized in Colorado in 1876 and to our knowledge that eminent legal standing has never been altered. The state has some 35,000 houses of merriment operating from Burlington to Cortez. Most, however, are reserved for out-of-state religious zealots who buy fishing and hunting licenses.
“If we get an honest judge we can beat these penny-ante big gamers before they pull back their winnings,” snapped a militant Siesta. “It’s either that or we pull up stakes and move to Utah.”
– Uncle Pahgre
“Who cares what the rest of the world thinks of us!”
– overheard at the GOP Convention, Summer 2016.
