Tolstoy, Others Found in Village

(Moscow — Red Square Circular — Aug 29, 2016)

Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Anton Chekhov and Maxim Gorki, all long thought dead, have been positively identified, living life in the remote village of Yerkilansk in a remote region called Krasnoyarsk in central Russia

Remnants of the Russian news agency TASS report that the four have been in Yerkilansk since their banishment by a series of Czars and Bolsheviks during the early 20th Century. They are said to be collaborating several novels, essays and screenplays within the framework of the Ernest Sagas, which were originally written as a satire on Czarist, and later Soviet, life in Russia.

The four remained defiant through the 70s and 80s when they refused to write Communist propaganda in return for more food and firewood. Despite their lengthy ordeal they all appeared to be in good health and humor. In the mid-90s the post-Soviet administration called on them to welcome Glasnost and anointed them “guests of he state” rather than “political interns”. They were then free to come and go as they pleased, although in Yerkilansk there are not many places to come and go to.

“On one walk we encountered three hungry Russian brown bear and decided to curb our geographic enthusiasm and stay closer to the village,” said Gorki. “Everywhere there is snow! It is possible to get lost or at least disoriented within a mile from this paltry civilization.”

The creative breakthrough in collective labor came when Chekov envisioned “all that is the Ernestine” and became a full time follower of that stringent doctrine. A flourish of work followed quickly as the other greats jumped on board and began pumping out short sagas of Ernest. Favorites like “Ernest Goes to Indoctrination Camp”, “Ernest Goes to a For Profit Prison” and Ernest Saves Christmas from the Pagans” come to mind here.

Although most Americans may not remember Ernest, a far greater number do not recognize the names of Russian novelists. This desire for further notoriety appears to be the driving force in the tumultuous tasks facing the novelists. Speaking through a translator, the celebrated author of Anna Karenina said, “Anton and Fyodor were invaluable in fermenting novels and plays during what literary critics refer to as the Early Ernest Period (1994-2000). Maxim performed at high altitude warp speed even though we aren’t familiar with that mode quite yet.”

What followed shook the literary world. Four great Russian pens working together on Ernest Invades Afghanistan, finishing it up in time for the semi-annual vodka harvest. This true masterpiece will outlive governments, break ageless traditions and survive the elements. Four enlightened artists, in insulated leisure suits and Sorrels on a long arctic holiday, have collectively captured the essence of Ernest. Tolstoy credits his associates in a long-winded introduction in which he compares the collaborative process to “checkmate in the dark.”

Meanwhile the real life Ernest, accompanied by a close friend named Vern is expected to arrive in Yerkilansk on Friday to examine the life-prolonging waters of the Kubinichev River. The two hope to escort the four novelists to Disneyland and into a recording studio in May.

“I just hope the Dodgers are in town,” said Gorki. “The last time I was in L.A. was in 1903 and the team was still in Brooklyn.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe