All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Hell closed for cleaning
Hell will be shut down for a serious scouring this week according to stiff-collared sources in pew number three. While an industrial polishing has been in the works for some time, bosses down there have balked at the cost and logistics common to such past eternal undertakings.
While the sanitation proceeds, the damned will be evacuated and hauled around in small pickups like the ones used by militants in Afghanistan and Iraq. Their few personal belongings will be sold to pay for gasoline.
Once the place is fully sterilized they will be returned to their fiery home for more torture and deprivation. Along with the janitorial effort, fallen angels will engage in new construction, building units/projects for an expected surge in population due to a curious, and increasing lack of heart on earth.
“They are only souls so they don’t take up a lot of room, “ explained one dark angel who appeared to be in charge of the demonic motor pool. “It looks like an overwhelming task but actually we can fit 3000 in the back of a small pickup,” said the fiend, who requested anonymity.
– Melvin Dante
Lady Golfers Round the World in Search of Birdie
Imagine teeing off in Istanbul and chipping onto the green in Hong Kong. How about skirting a water hazard in the Gobi Desert or sinking a long putt in Sydney? That’s what these two are doing this summer and it’s all for charity.
“We starred out in Montrose and hit golf balls all the way to the coast,” said Melanie Callaway, whose non-profit foundation provides free golf lessons to developing countries in return for caddie services.
“Then, after resting at the beach for two weeks we hopped a luxury liner that had a small par three course and continued our philanthropic adventure,” quipped Evelyn Ping, a former WPGA standout, who has recorded 250 and 300 yard drives throughout the duos’ well-appointed trek through China and India.
“I always figured the entire landscape of the Mideast was like one big sand bunker but it’s not,” continued Callaway. “There are trees and people and buldings, well some parts of buildings, here in Baghdad and they say the green are in pretty bad shape in Syria too.”
Ping told the Horseshoe that the two women would most likely lay up in the Tel Aviv at the home of Ping’s aunt Delphine from Miami.
“We can hang by the pool until the situation in he Mideast takes care of itself,” said Callaway.
Following the slight inconvenience, Callaway and Ping will then head t.o Greece and Italy before turning northward into France , Ireland and of course Scotland.
Early September features stops at Augusta and several spectacular clubs along the Eastern seaboard and across the Midwest. Then the golfers will host a final fundraiser at Denver City Park in an attempt to get into the pockets of golfers from the lower socio-economic groups.
Good luck Melanie and Evelyn!
Denver busca Derechos del Agua a Walden Pond
(Concord MA – H20 azules – August 11, 2016)
Piratas del Range Confrontar de Colorado han afirmado Walden Pond aquí. Legales intereses agua han adjudicado el agua en el estanque, lo que no se está utilizando, como propiedad común sujeta a confiscación.
Una vez que la guarida de poeta, Henry David Thoreau, el lugar ha sido declarado abandonado, ya que el agua no se habla de. Un trascendentalista autosuficientes, autor del clásico americano Walden, Thoreau era conocido por su postura militante contra la infracción del hombre moderno en la naturaleza de vuelta en 1854.
“No nos importa si Jesús o Buda peces este estanque. Lo queremos “, dijo un portavoz de la Junta de Aguas de Denver.
No estaba claro cómo el DWB transportaría el agua si la trama convulsión atraviesa con éxito. Walden es la última agua protegida de ser reclamado por la Cordillera Confrontar desde 1985, cuando la nube Brown comenzó a extenderse. Además de la mayor parte del agua en el Parque del Sur, el desarrollador loca Mile High City ha acaparado Lake Elsinore, el Gran Canal de Venecia, Lago Victoria, el río Zambeze y el Mar de Galilea.
Cuando fue contactado el DWB negó su participación.
– Dinty Moore
Paul’s looks closed today….
La Favorita for decades just outside of Taos, New Mexico
Local Man Wins RV Races
(Mañana, CO — Mudhumpers Gazette — August 5, 2016)
Melvin Toole, 77 of 558399733668844 Road here has claimed first prize in the annual Recreational Vehicle Sprint held at the Montrose Water Park. The 2016 Senior Games champion, sporting a 700-foot long Cherokee, 5th Wheel, Stiff Neck Turbo plus One, turned in times of 45.6 and 46.2 barely edging out a husband and wife team from Moline who were disqualified for dirty rigs.
Beth and Walter Whisper of Cedaredge are protesting the decision to award the prize money to Toole. They say they beat his self-contained eunuch, navigated by a pet terrier named Rothschild Broom Hilda, who won the barrel racing and parallel parking competitions paws down the previous afternoon.
Although legally blind, Toole remains instrument rated and plays commercial radio full blast to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. Readers may remember that Toole was disqualified in the 2014 and 2015 races for failure to wear a seatbelt during the proceedings. He was not wearing pants either.
However, due to chronic crowding at local jailhouses, Toole was issued a warning and told to go finish dressing before he returned to town. A tennis enthusiast, the former Big Tire shaman, watches at least 15 hours of television per day and writes to his Congressmen.
– Muriel Armbruster
“A politician doesn’t steal elections. He pays for them.”
– written on the wall in the Congressional Ethics Committee men’s room
