Trump Seeks Asylum in Russian Consulate

(Atlantic City —  August 16, 2016) Republican Presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump has reportedly taken refuge in the Russian Consulate here. Close aides, disappearing by the day, say he plans to seek amnesty in an attempt to avoid releasing tax data.

Whether the move has anything to do with the closure of the Taj Mahal Casino, the billionaire would not say. Despite promising to bring jobs back to the United States Trump is actively shipping his casino (in pieces, sans employees) to Malaysia.

Election analysts think Trump has gone into hiding to avoid the fallout from his comments since winning the GOP nomination. Sources within the Secret Service are allegedly hard pressed to protect the demagogue since there are so many groups who might like to “interview” him.

“He has made more enemies in six weeks than Hitler and Stalin combined,” said one agent who demanded animosity. “Hillary is disliked but this Trump person has descended into a whole new category of unpopular. His mouth makes our job almost impossible to perform within the guidelines of security and diplomacy.”

The Russian diplomatic mission in New Jersey had no comment on the proceedings, denying knowledge of any amnesty requests. Whether Trump will seek the protection of Russian President Vladimir Putin, whom he has praised repeatedly during the campaign, was not discussed.

The drastic change of status could backfire on Trump since even the dumbest voters are vacillating over the development. Election officials are stunned and not sure what action to take in light of the repositioning. Many here feel Trump will go into self-imposed exile at his golf course in Scotland.

“The Scots aren’t keen on having him there either. Let’s just sit tight,” said one Democrat. “It’s only a matter of time before he offends the consulate staff and they throw him and his hair out on his ear.

– Marlene Marvy