All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Iran’s Claim to be Persia Called Hogwash
(Indianapolis) Vice President Mike Pence said today that Iran is not and has never been Persia. The provocation is the latest exchange between the two pseudo-republics who are at odds over Syria. He called the assertion hogwash, a common term for denial in the Great Midwest.
“Israel could have once been Persia or maybe even Babylon but Iran has always been dry, rocky theocratic Iran,” explained Pence anxiously attempting to locate the two countries on a map of the Greater Mideast.
“That’s like saying the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers were there before the Mississippi or The 500 or that Mesopotamia taught sex education in the schools.”
“My Persian rug comes from Wal-Mart not Iran,” he coughed.
“Iran is not Persia, I say it again,” squawked the Hoosier crusader. “The place is teeming with pagans. Persia was never like that. This is just another ploy to give credibility to evil doings in the Persian Gulf. Its like saying Cairo is in Egypt when everyone knows it’s in Georgia.”
-Mohammed Mosaddegh
“God created war so Americans could learn geography”
– Mark Twain
MAN IN THE MOON ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE
The mythical man in the moon is mythical no more. He’s cooling his heels in a local jail cell. A myriad of complaints from local lunar gazers prompted a police raid on the suspected pervert’s official digs Tuesday morning. Officers confiscated gravitational home videos, crude anti-aircraft placements, mangled satellite parts, mounds of green cheese and documents calling for the invasion of earth by the year 2030.
One Delta County woman who called in a complaint Friday said the man in the moon was running around in the vicinity of the Sea of Fertility wearing only a lamp shade and a pair of Sorels. When police arrived at her residence to observe the alleged lewd behavior they were greeted by a contingent of telescopes that would put most astronomical observatories to shame.
“You can see better if you climb up on this stool,” said the woman who was reluctant to give her name or give up her high-powered telescope.
The man in the moon will remain incarcerated at an undisclosed spot until his arraignment Monday morning. Anyone with input deemed essential to the case is asked to either orbit or stay far away from the proceedings altogether.
-Marcella Pesterman
Surviving the Summer
Tips for insects
with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.
Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.
First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him.
It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?
There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us. 2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.
From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.
Some insects, like flies, give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.
In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient most insects, leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet.
Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: “Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall.” Don’t miss it!
Handy Quotes for the Times:
“This is rich people, Manchurian Global, funding bad science, to put a sleeper in the White House, and that’s what’s going on Rosie. That’s what’s going on.” – Ben Marco in The Manchurian Candidate
“People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook. I earned everything I’ve got.” – Richard Nixon, during the Watergate Scandal
“The slow-rising central horror of Watergate is not that it might grind down to the reluctant impeachment of a vengeful thug of a president whose entire political career has been a monument to the same kind of cheap shots and treachery he finally got nailed for, but that we might somehow fail to learn something from it.” Hunter S. Thompson
Trout and Kokanee Pursue Refugee Status
(Gunnison) After years of dry conditions culminating in serious drought even the water is dry. Trout and salmon in local rivers have applied for emergency refugee status demanding to be relocated to wet environs even those experiencing flash floods and deluge.
The fish reportedly feel helpless under present conditions and prefer to tough it out in extreme conditions so long as the water is there to serve their needs. Most are good swimmers. A decrease in the number of refugees accepted into the country, while not adversely affecting fish in turmoil, has dominated thinking on the matter and leaves the cold-blooded vertebrates without a champion to advance their position.
One Department of Interior spokesperson at Almont responded to the desperate plea by saying that the fish “knew what they were getting into when they took the bait. Maybe they should set up offshore locations like we do. It sure beats following the rules established for the mainstream, Get it?”
– Small Mouth Bess
White House Expands On-Site Cooking Facilities
A revolving chief of staff told reporters here that cooking options and menu expansion will be a top priority at the White House this week. Outdoor grills, expanded storage of perishables, more support staff and cooking classes will make up the brunt of what is being packaged as The Nuevo-American Dining Experience.
“We only serve American here,” said Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders, munching on a cheese enchilada, Tahchin, hummus all wrapped in the Stars and Stripes. We don’t eat anything that even smells like the Mideast or Mexico and we damn sure don’t recycle when we’re finished.”
Coal-powered hot plates donned with the Presidential seal have been distributed to top aides. Tasters have been stationed at each table to test for poison and backstreet hallucinogens. A meat-heavy breakfast, cooked up by the NRA, and a light lunch, catered by local Nazis groups, will feature only processed foods. Dinner is expected to culminate and collude…er…conclude with grilled steaks and chops of endangered species.
At night the Big Guy Toastmaster will offer a few encouraging remarks punctuating these with an Executive Order of the Day. Tonight Trump plans a slide show featuring assorted handshakes with evil despots and human rights abusers. Tomorrow night he will pardon Joseph Stalin.
Critics say these self-serving eaters couldn’t tell mom’s apple pie from Putin’s borscht and have sold national culinary secrets to the highest bidder under the cover of a free lunch for supporters.
Whether or not the development is related to the cold shoulder extended to a slew of Trump officials in Virginia and Maryland where restaurants refused them service or ostracized them when they arrived to eat. Other Americans have verbally attacked administration officials prompting recommendations that Trump people stay behind an assortment of walls slated to be built soon.
– Tommy Middlefinger
