All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Most Matchmakers prefer solitude, going it alone
According to a cross-section of matchmakers interviewed over the past twelve months, most prefer the single life. In 88% of the cases the arrangements made for other people have little to do with lifestyle choices and relationships for the fulcrum that brings parties together.
Despite what in many cultures is a formal occupation, the edifying actions of these introduction and bindery engineers is not reflective of the free-wheeling, almost live-wire realities expressed in our scientific survey.
“We separate work from play,” explained one matchmaker . “Just because we do the research and match two likely subjects doesn’t mean we are on the prowl for a mate.
Harmony, according to the respondents, is everything in a relationship or love affair but there is no guarantee of bliss. Modern day matchmakers often see themselves as the equivalent of sports or talent agents who are trying to get the best contract for their clients.
“After all I’ve seen of the human predicament I prefer the peace and solitude of an unattached life,” said one. “Monogamy can be a soothing bargain and there is no shortage of people ready to embrace it without fully considering the wrappings and trappings or a lifelong commitment.”
“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence themselves.”
– Will Rogers
LETTUCE BEFORE LEARNING IN AMERICA
(Washington) The newly organized Agency for Sensitivity and Compassion has released guidelines for putting former students to work picking agricultural products this fall. The far-reaching program will kick off with the closure of all schools and focus on the needs of corporate farms.
Later in the fall privately held farms would qualify to begin employing the youthful labor force to pick everything from apples to cotton. A preliminary plan to shutter all but a few centers of learning has gained a House nod with several related bills pending in the Senate.
Child pickers harvest soy beans in lieu of knowledge according to the New Order instituted by Department of Education.
“It’s called redirecting resources,” said one of the architects of the plan whose children attend private, elite institutions that are exempt from what critics call “lockdowns”. Restricting the majority of children from the classroom was explained by the White House as “for their own good since they are not learning the right things anyway.”
It was not clear if parochial schools would be affected although persons familiar with these developments say it will depend of loyalty and support of these policies across the board. These bodies could be eligible for special treatment if they denounce other less desirable groups, as they have often done throughout history.
“This is the final phase of the dumbing of America,” say many teachers. “Manpower shortages because of cruel, impotent and incompetent immigration laws are resolved by putting students in the field to insure the continued profits of corporate farms.
“Our schools need to educate and graduate people who can think,” said one retired teacher, “and who will uphold our Democratic beliefs. That has not been happening. Just look at the Congress. Legislation by dollars. We elected them.”
Supporters of the move counter by insisting that no real learning is going on anyway and that it is high time for “these pampered brats to come to the aid of corporate America for the benefit of all Americans.”
Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos chimed in her support for the changes, reassuring “our base bases that the Big Guy was always watching and had their best interests at heart.
“There comes a time when we must chose: Melons & pumpkins or history & math? We like to call it sweat equity for the future. Soon they will all have Green Cards so we can identify bad apples and curtail the movements of insurgent groups.”
Most of the labor force will come from the Blue States who did not support the GOP ticket in 2016 but those ranks will remain open to include the children of persons who voted for Trump in 2016. The offspring of Republican honchos and donors will remain in school so as to graduate and run the country in the future.
– K. Sera Huckleberry
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Bad roads lead to denture damage
Washboards, bar ditches and chuckholes are often devastating to a set of store teeth according to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, of the Fourth Republic Dental Junta in Mañana.
“All the flossing in the world cannot change ugly.” – Dr Efram Pennywhistle DFD, LSD, LSMFT
“Just once over a rough landscape masquerading as a roadway is enough to do damage, but a regular diet banging and vibration can be the undoing of dentures altogether,” said Pennywhistle, “if not to mention grinding, clenching and the popular biblical gnashing on drop-offs and tight curves.”
When asked if humans faced the same predicaments with their original bicuspids Pennywhistle retorted angrily, “I only do dentures. I don’t know anything about real teeth but I can’t imagine it helping them.”
The doctor, who claims to have 57 different teeth in his head, suggested wearing a mouth guard and/or simply staying on pavement.
“The dust is nobody’s sweetheart either,” he flinched. A mouth full of dirt tends to yellow the dentures and cause gums to become puffy, enhancing the perception that the wearer needs immediate medical attention.”
– Pepper Salte
Los lanzadores Rox Relief deben pagar por hora
Con la excepción de Adam Ottavino, los lanzadores relevistas de los Rockies de Colorado ahora recibirán un pago por hora. Al rescindir salarios anteriores (como los $ 27 millones pagados a Jake McGee durante tres años), la nueva escala tiene en cuenta las actuaciones pasadas e introduce paquetes de incentivos saludables para los cuidadores de túmulos que pueden mantener el control en las últimas entradas.
Inquietos lanzadores como Brian Shaw (27 millones en 3 años), Wade Davis, Mike Dunn ($ 19 millones en tres años) Chris Rusin ($ 1.3 millones en un año) y Scott Oberg (550 mil pesos en juegos) proporcionan cuerpos tibios y peso muerto. Imagine el precio de la cerveza si el equipo elimina estos gastos pagados a personas que no han tenido un buen desempeño.
“Estaríamos tan bien como para cavar un hoyo en el jardín izquierdo y tirar el dinero en él”, dijo un ex entrenador. “Los peces gordos en la oficina de enfrente continuamente cometen errores, pero no admiten sus errores (tome a Ian Desmond por ejemplo). Y si el desperdiciado esfuerzo ofensivo no fue suficiente, McGee y Dunn le han informado a los Rockies que se unirían al circo cuando llegue a la ciudad en agosto.
“El circo ha recogido varias opciones en Shaw y Rusin, pero no estamos claros en cuanto a los detalles en este momento”, graznó un pez gordo de los Rockies que está programado para alimentar a los leones como parte del Zoológico de Denver / Noche Bubblehead en septiembre .
Los funcionarios del circo no respondieron nuestras llamadas, pero emitieron una declaración conjunta el viernes confirmando una serie de rumores y sugirieron que “nuestros leones también tienen hambre”.
– Neville Hoser
WEST WING FLINGS
In a departure from our rigid policy of ignoring those currently residing in the White House we present a recap of recent aggression and sociopathic behavior there.
Trump Nominates Self For Supreme Quart
In an attempt to create what he describes as continued job securiy in the federal government president Donald Trump today nominated Donald Trump for the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. “Think of the deals I can make from the high seat,” he smiled. “I look terrific in black.” Close aides showed their loyalty to this flim-flam chief executive by enthusiastically backing his choice. Rumors circulating Pennsylvania Avenue say he hopes to have a planet named after him before leaving the post.
Trump backtracks on golf lessons for refugee children
(Key Lardass) Despite promises to teach every detained Latin child the insides of golf, Donald Trump has now rescinded the offer saying none of them had clubs or shoes. Even their parents (many who have not seen their kids for weeks) have proper golfing gear. Initially the president would have been joined by daughter, Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner but they have been scratched off the members list…persona non grata to a two-faced father.
“The President fears that the two will be in jail and prefers his heralded go-it-alone posture on the links,” said one spineless Republican, who demanded anonymity. “I’ve got to give it to him: Anyone who can play that much golf and still run the country has my blessing. Heck, even Ike didn’t accomplish that feat.”
In what may be a related link the White House has yet to confirm that Donald Trump would caddie for Vladimir Putin if the latter visits the US this fall.
Panic in Chinatown
(San Francisco) The impact of the much publicized trade war has caused erratic behavior here as the price of egg rolls had tripled. In the rest of the country: Bud Lite will soon cost $35 for a 12-pack, and NASCAR tickets will cost 60% more. “Make America Great” caps (made in China) will be out of the reach of most Trump supporters who will be the first to suffer from the imposed tariffs. Big Macs are expected to follow suit with burger heads paying up to $15 for their non-nutritional fix.
Guns and ammo prices will stabilize since they are currently made in the U.S. That too may change if the companies flee the country to stay in the black. Harley-Davidson manuals will be printed in French and German only as the company relocates to Europe due to tariffs on imported steel.
“We’re holding out own for our supportive base,” said White House Mess Secretary, Sarah Serra Huckleberry.
A hurriedly hatched billion-dollar federal program to bail out soybean farmers after prices crashed has been lambasted from every side and, according to financial experts “shows no understanding of high school economics which may appeal to Trump loyalists.”
Late last night a tweet from the White House said “Only losers eat soybeans.”
Coors Field Files Restraining Order on Rox Relief Pitchers
(Denver) Coors Field, and The City and County of Denver have reportedly filed a protective order against roster relief pitchers* Jake McGee, Bryan Shaw and Scott Oberg as well as Mike Dunn and Chris Rusin who are currently on the Disabled List.
According to pieces of the documentation released by the baseball club today the action comes after “repeated failures on the diamond where fans and significant others were harassed, deflated and disappointed by the performances of those mentioned in a cease abuse provision. Furthermore all five have been accused of impersonating a relief pitcher, a misdemeanor, and making fans physically and emotionally ill, a felony.
The salaries paid to these misfits, while immoral on their own terms, were not a consideration in the court filing.
“We just don’t want them in the bullpen or the dugout or on the property,” said a spokesperson for the Rockies who added that the city is taking steps to have them deported to Arizona.
Usually reserved for domestic violence, stalking or sexual assault, the restraining order prohibits communication with team members and the press. Failure to comply could result in arrest.
“Yes, the burden of proof in Colorado rests on the accused,” said the spokesperson. “We have 40,000 witnesses in the stands who welcome the proceedings.”
– Atila Diggins
* It is likely Wade Davis will be added to this shameful crew after his horrid performance against the Cardinals today.
