All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
It’s not easy being a mosquito
By Buzz Ticke
Swat away if you must. We can’t help what we are or what we become at what you call “feeding time”. There are worse parasites!
All the fuss about a little blemish or a bump that goes away in a day or so. Did you know that male mosquitoes/midges are a member of the fly family? Although we are particularly proud of the connection to those dirty little pests, biology is the final assessor. Males like me live only a week that makes for a tense relationship with females who live up to a few months.
Plus we don’t carry diseases, well usually. Hey, look how small and transparent we are. Where would we carry them? All the chatter about malaria, dengue and yellow fever is fake news. Mosquitoes that carry these life-threatening maladies live in foreign countries where you should never go anyway.
Bats, drought, pesticides, drained pools and sudden cold weather leave us mosquitoes with our asses hanging out. We are forced to work long hours, adhere to seasonal feeding times, get bad blood and yield to primitive breeding methods.
We male mosquitoes don’t bite but we still get squashed and sprayed just like the bloodthirsty females of the species.
So what are a tiny little bite and a puffy welt in comparison to survival. Oh, don’t worry we will never be on anyone’s endangered list but it’s certainly no picnic here. People hate us. Bats see us as a gourmet treat and even some birds munch on our flimsy limbs.
Is it my fault is it that there is standing water everywhere, the pool needs to be cleaned and an unattended birdbath? Well that is a mortal sin! Best advice: Spray with chemicals. Stay in the house in front of a fan and wait. Once the cold weather arrives we will be gone with the wind.
White Neighbor Calls Cops on Black Teens For Listening to Country
(Abundance Hails) An elderly woman called 911 on Saturday after “shocking behavior” in her alley. She says the intrusion, allegedly by Black youths, left her in fear of her life.
As she describes it: “Those kids, those noisy, c-c-col…Black kids were out in their alley garage playing Merle Haggert and Tammy Wynette real loud. I said to myself, “That ain’t rap or hip hop…so something must be wrong. They are guilty of something. I better call the law. They take over the alley. The have those big handlebar bicycles. Some even drive cars and go to school. They talk funny to my cats…”
The police arrived moments later and determined that the youth were not disturbing the peace and tranquility of the landscape. They searched the garage anyway while flashing lights threw the bouncing beams of serve and protect. All they found of interest was a Miles Davis CD which they kept as evidence of having responded on the scene. After a stern warning the heat dissipated and the kids went home.
Meanwhile the neighbor, whose name was not released because she is quite wealthy, is under observation at St Roscoe’s Commercial Hospital. She is said to be worth in the deep millions and does not pay taxes because she’s been declared incontinent.
Her 17 cats, that she claims are not hers, were captured inside the house using snake charming techniques digested on the erotic Irrawaddy earlier in the century. Most are incarcerated inside the ATM machine at the woman’s bank. Customers report receiving a kitty with their withdrawal, a development that moved some and angered others.
Friends say the woman who called the cops does not leave her house and has not for 20 years since the death of Billy Ed, her favorite milking goat. It was the ravenous appetite displayed by Billy Ed that convinced her to give up trying to grow a lawn and instead cover her impressive expanse with paper clips in 2009. She stays inside watching TV news, talk shows, professional wrestling and pharmaceutical commercials, then goes to bed.
“No wonder she’s nuts,” said one resident. “She even gets her groceries delivered from over in Saskatoon and doesn’t drive anymore thank goodness. She began to go downhill fast when she gave up liquor. There are lots of people like her all over this great culture waiting for the last bus ride up the hill. What a waste.”
Meanwhile the father of one of the Black youths was reportedly floored by the accusations.
“It could have been worse. They could have been listening to Carrie Underwood , Hank Williams Jr. or even Elton John. Now that’s white music,” he said.
“Country has its place. I listen to Patsy Cline everyday. Now that music has soul. Some weekends I have a serving of Johnny Cash right alongside my Charlie Pride,” he said.
(Editor’s note: Reported Miles Davis tunes emanating from the lit up police cruiser caused onlookers to wonder aloud if this was somehow connected to what promises to be an ongoing investigation.)
Return of Fort Sumter High on White House Priorities
(Charleston SC) Recent demands by the White House that Fort Sumter be returned to the United States illustrates a humiliatingly dimwitted perception of history, while simultaneously threatening to alienate an entrenched zombie support base deep in Dixie.
Not only was the fort in question returned to the US after Appomattox, but the site has served little logistical importance since the 1860s. It has just sat out there, gathering dust, its history in the fog for jingo flag flickers. Ignorance of the country”s basic history by a Commander in Chief was called appalling and pigheaded by adversaries, yet over 40% of Americans had not yet found the fort on a map at press time.
“Charleston Harbor, although quite beautiful in its own right, has not been on the firing line, even in a diplomatic sense, since hoop skirts were in fashion,” said a chamber of comments source here. “What has survived is now a National Monument and represents nothing strategic unless perhaps one happens to be a seal or land crab.”
Meanwhile in the Trump camp advisors expressed disdain that their boss had shown his mindless grasp of the nation’s history once again. Several were particularly put off by the president’s claim that had he been on the scene in 1861 he would have won the day.
“Maybe he could try his saber rattling in Puerto Rico, mused one journalist who has disappeared after filing a story that lambasts the president and the GOP. “At least Fort Sumer has electricity and running water.”
A large segment of Trump supporters are loyal sons and daughters of the Confederacy and make up a large portion of that base in November. A majority of these throwback historians don’t know the difference between Chancellorsville and Chattanooga. One satirical account suggests that Trump demand that Cuba give back Miami or that Russians give back Coney Island.
It ain’t in the Bible so it does not exist, chimed one intellect from the gene puddle. “Far as I’m concerned those Yankees can have the fort lock, stock and barrel.”
– Small Mouth Bess
Franklins Recalled
(Denver Mint) The United States Treasury has begun pulling popular Benjamin Franklin $100-dollar bills out of circulation. The action follows a wagonload of charges linked to alleged sexual indiscretion on the part of American icon dating back to the 1700s.
Franklin, a gifted inventor, intellectual and signer of the Declaration of Independence has been accused of initiating unwanted predatory sexual advances by a cross-section of woman in both Philadelphia and Paris from 1760 – 1785. No one has admitted or denied anything at this time, in part because the actions allegedly took place over 230 years ago.
Whether creditable witnesses can be reached or if accusers will simply emerge is anyone’s guess. Potential prosecutors are still out to lunch on the matter and, what with the clogged courts, a preliminary hearing has already been kicked back to 2023.
Official USA-IOU Bar Napkins will temporarily replace the currency. These are available at various government outlets and through the Office of Tax Reduction and National Debt. In addition voters can pick up the coded bar napkins at the polling booth in November unless the world ends first. The original Franklins, for decades honored as proud standards of our republic, are now technically out of circulation.
Benjamin Franklin often dismissed critics (vis-a-vis his pants down approach) citing his chronic gout, adding that it was still the 18th Century and the progressive ideas promoted by the Sons of Liberty did not yet tender sympathy for the plight of female counterparts or consequences for perpetrators. In short: It wasn’t his fault that he was charming and of means. It wasn’t his doing that created the sins of Paris. He was only a studious observer who felt compelled to join in and enjoy what he was observing.
It remains unclear whether it will end up being cheaper to simply substitute for the engraving of Franklin and keep the current bills or print brand new ones with someone else’s mug in the hot spot. Citizens have already filed 2000 nominations to replace the late and amorous statesman. Some arrive with little kites and keys attached. Some are written in Chinese and Russian.
An alternate/radical printing effort in Denver has proposed using not Poor Richard (from the almanac) but instead Little Richard, the rock n roller, on the bills. Three times as many people interviewed by phone recognized the song “Betty Lou’s Gettin’ Out Tonight than could identify the “A penny saved is a penny earned”. So be it.
“By the time they plough through all the red tape $100 will be worth only $50 anyway,” said a local numismatist, “so it might be easier to trade blankets for whiskey. Get it?”
– Fanny Albright
Erectile dysfunction up 37% since January
(Minneapolis) Despite the passive-aggressive machismo, the nation is full of inept and clumsy lovers say doctors at the renown Mao Clinic here. Data collected, linking age to alcohol intake and after-dinner affections to thee-martini bed burner acrobatics, suggests that the situation is quickly deteriorating in an arena that few are willing to discuss openly.
“This performance was enabled when a top-ranking politician paid for sex and then lied about his escapades,” said one resident behavioral physicist on loan from Cal Polygamy Institute in Toronto. “We cannot clearly determine what that darkness might have generated when tossed out like pigeon feed to an already shell-shocked male population. When people easily accept what has always been immoral behavior as normal behavior they give up a part of themselves.”
Dr. Grace Ballgame fears that the situation is growing worse by the day. She warns of rampant denial, society’s acceptance of foreign stimulants, guilt, selfishness, expectation and the assorted hard copy of computer porn.
“All the fake bravado spewing up from Hell’s well is shaking the very foundation of what it means to be a functional male,” she continued. “Replacing love with lust is like replacing patriotism with slogans and jingoism. Even these people know the difference. They just want to blame someone in and out of the bedroom.”
Detractors of this and any other studies say it is simply a coincidence that the numbers jumped so dramatically in January in conjunction with feeble, unsubstantiated White House threats aimed at minorities, aliens, traditional allies, liberals, journalists, gays, Democrats, China, women, Canada and unions.
Sources inside the White House chose not to comment on the haunting analysis.
– Gabby Haze
“Well your blessed I guess
from never knowin’ which road you’re chosen.
To you the next best thing
to playin’ and winnin’ is playin’ and losin’.”
– from “The Lucky One” by Alison Krauss
