All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
GHOST OF UPTON SINCLAIR GETS TICKET
(Telluride) The ghost of writer Upton Sinclair, who while alive penned such classics as The Jungle and The Dragon’s Teeth is contesting a parking ticket received on South Fir Street Thursday. Sinclair, who is reportedly in town gathering evidence for his newest expose on the ski industry, said he was scouring the town for meter change when the summons was written.
“His books were very critical of the powers that be,” said one literary enthusiast. “Many of us think the ticket was just another form of harassment, even though he is deceased.”
The source went on to describe how she checked out every Sinclair title from the local library and has hidden them from the authorities.
“The capitalists tried to silence him back in the 30s with an assortment of threats, which by comparison, make a parking ticket seem rather trivial.”
Sinclair’s ghost said the vehicle was left unattended for an estimated five minutes lending credence to the conspiracy theory.
“He should have parked somewhere away from the cop shop,” said the literati.
Despite the citation Sinclair will continue work on the publication in which he accuses the the ski interests of feudalism, misrepresentation of climatic conditions, and acting as a front for the real estate industry.
“OK, so the ski bosses aren’t quite as bad as the barons of the meat-packing industry,” said the library source, “but the effects on the local environment are still questionable. Is it fair for the feds to lease land to a private concern who turns around and charges exorbitant fees to taxpayers for access?”
Meanwhile one ski area spokesman here said the whole incident has been blown out of proportion and offered to pay the fine out of petty cash.
“What can one expect?” he chided “Who would name a kid Upton in the first place?”
– Cool Hand Luke
“I want to be alone.” – Greta Garbo
Trump Middle East Club is no more
(Dubai) Drastic atmospheric pressure changes brought the tumultuous rains to the desert but a direct lightning hit and subsequent wild fire have been blamed for the colossal annihilation of the Palm Trump Towers here.
“There’s nothing left but sand and some red baseball caps,” said a former bookkeeper. The drastic phenomenon of intense rain and flooding led onlookers to ask if the world was coming to an end. Again, palaces, eateries and casinos next to the Trump property were untouched.
“It was if the tempest had eyes, its target clear in mind, when it let loose,” said the source. Trump was not on the scene. Aides told reporters he was hospitalized recovering from Puerto Rican Plague, a painful malady that causes the head to swell and the tongue to stop working. The family has blamed the episode on sullen employees, many of whom are recent immigrants.
Trump Aberdeen Golf Course Destroyed by Hurricane
(Aberdeen, Scotland) Another Trump property has been demolished by natural causes this week leading scientists to believe that similar incidents are not only linked but that the planet is pissed off beyond reconciliation. Greens, tee boxes and a luxury club house were torn from their roots and sent skyward while golfers sat in nearby bunkers (untouched) and waited for Mother Nature to complete what was called “a strategic attack as if cherry-picked by the heavens” by eye-witnesses.
Then, in hydrological pentameter and just as the skies began to clear, the property was trounced to dust by a tornado that landed right smack on hole number 18. No other destruction was reported in the vicinity. Trump declared bankruptcy and dismissed employees without pay.
Congress Must Declare Tips
(Fort Knox) Members of the United States Congress must begin declaring tips as of January 2019 according to the Department of the Treasury and the Federal Reserve.
The action comes on the heels of voter complaints that a majority of elected officials are treated like royalty when they are simply rich and spoiled. Most Americans feel that the Congress equates to chaos, descending into an untouchable body that often views itself as above the law.
Tips that now must be acknowledged include gratuities, gifts, donations, offerings, favors, rewards, grants, dowries, entitlements, endowments, drafts, credits, bonds, consignments, and accumulated fiscal considerations. Livestock and theater/sports tickets were not on the primary list.
In the past it was easy to hide these embellishments and rationalize tips as part of the job but no more! Now all benefactors must declare their gifts thus dropping a bomb into many common loopholes. In addition members of the House and Senate must now pay for medical insurance, limos, flowers, haircuts, neckties, jewelry and fact-finding trips to the Caribbean in February.
It is not known what the taxable sum of these tips but experts are placing it at around $4 billion per year.
“The income derived from taxing their tips could pay for national health insurance, physical infrastructure, better public education and school lunches for underprivileged children,” said Omar “Twenty” Percente, the Maryland accountant who is credited with originating what he calls the Just Deserts Petition after watching Congressmen take unfair license and claim countless concessions not nailed down by vague and vaporous laws.
“The termination of this theft should help level the playing field,” he explained. “In the future we might see fewer politicians entering the power arena in hopes of striking it rich at the expense of the American citizen.
Percente’s only regret is that he should have pressed the Treasury Department to render the shake-up retroactive to 1782. Then maybe we’d see a few honest politicians, at least until they figure a way around this recent action.
– Rex Mantaleone
Winter coloring contest
Yes, it’s the Uncompahgre Valley in late September. Can you color it white? Do so before the big snows hit and win a snow cat from the San Juan Horseshoe. Offer good with measurements over three feet accumulations. I myself am dreaming of a white Thanksgiving.
Colona man returns from Great Beyond
“It’s a mirror of this world. A bright, enchanted mirror. Everything is the opposite, a perfectly reproduced reflection. The abyss rather ominous, no? No more madness – No more twisted sense of self.”
These are the words of an adventurous Colona man who claims to have visited another world after this one and returned to tell about it. It’s no surprise that skeptics have emerged, frowning and scoffing at the very idea of astral travel or out-of-body encounters.
Ripple van Winkle claims that he spent two weekends “up in the clouds” where he met with good souls and bad ones in an attempt to document the existence of afterlife locales and resting places along the road to our final destination.
“I came back in early September to get a fish-eye lens and some sox for all my new friends” smiled van Winkle. “It’s been chilly in the Evermore. “I will depart tomorrow by clicking my heels together and then hurling myself off the Butter and Egg National Bank Building on the Wimpton Roundabout. There are still good seats left.”
Despite the old adage: You can sleep when you’re dead…van Winkle says the saved may not get much shut-eye. “It’s no picnic out there. Someone has to haul water, chop wood, do the dishes, feed the dog, mow the grass, trim the clouds and perform guard duty.
“My travels have not exposed the dystopian or the utopian but rather a place similar to earth without guilt, jealousy, greed or expectations,” he explained. “I have tattoos to prove my story.”
Van Winkle said we should prepare for the arrival of highly intelligent aliens and that many are already here on earth as well as Mars and Neptune. He then shocked the assemblage by then sharing a “Message from the heavens”:
Hold on tight little fleas – the big dog is shaking her booty and wagging her tail. Mother Nature’s stark increases in crude bodily functions such as stooping over, bad teeth, bad hygiene, limping, cursing, chronic sneezes, farting, grumpiness, coughing and spitting, vomiting, nervous ticks, stroke, heart, murmurs, sporadic tears, hair loss and way more. Better get your money, canned goods, ammo and water in your bunkers!
The episode is seen by many as the first credible instance of departure from and return to a verified metaphysical ball that is orbiting through space. Whether it corroborates or discounts popular beliefs on the subject is anyone’s guess.
Van Winkle, who has no known motive for making up stories, is nowhere to be found this morning. A search was called off at noon before it began.
– Susie Compost
