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The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues
Brought to you in spectrum black and white by O’Hara’s Pink-Eye Ointment and Trough Oil. If it’s not O’Hara’s it’s not O’Hara’s.
(The scene: A tree house in East Africa, 1936)
Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass.
Jane: Tarzan, I’m surprised at you, using such vulgar language here in The Horseshoe. Don’t you know that our readers are sensitive and easily offended? Besides, you were lucky the lion backed off or you might be dinner for the whole pride.
Tarzan: What?
Jane: Now go and pick me some fresh bananas. It’s Cheetah’s birthday and I want to bake her a cake.
Tarzan: Tarzan call elephants, do job.
Jane: And that’s another thing. Who do you think you are exploiting the honorable elephant for your own ends.
Tarzan: Tarzan always call elephants…
Jane: Well those days are over, sailor. From now on we’ll be doing things the civilized way like they do in Britain. You do plan to wear a shirt for dinner don’t you? Boy and his wife will be joining us for tea…
Tarzan: Boy no care about shirt.
Jane: What? What did you say?
Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass good.
THE END
For top drawer analysis and further discussion of this segment please turn to Don’t tell me what I don’t already know on page 45.
Punch lines of popular jokes
1. No. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.
2. How about taking that dog for a walk.
3. Shhhhhh. I’m waiting for him to land,
4. I wish all my friends were back.
5. You gotta put it in the front.
6. But do they call me Macgregor the Castle Builder? No!
Can you share the meat of the following jokes with us? Please include beginning, middle and semi-ending leading up to these punch lines. Win a herd of sheep or they could win you.
“Let them eat fake.”- Donald Antoinette
Senator Noise Called Dinosaur on Fossil Fuel Policy
(Gillette WY) Called “heartless” by many in his own party and “gutless” by others Oral Noise just doesn’t know when to zip it.
His recent claim that coal mining is beneficial to the environment has even right-wing advocates running for cover.
“Coal mines relieve stress on the planet by releasing carbon fumes and toxic gas into the air so they can then be safely blown away into space,” explained Noise. “Leaving these elements down inside the earth is dangerous and will lead to massive explosions and hurricanes.”
A further defense of fracking in relatively safe red state Wyoming, along with a tearful embrace of the oil industry has put him at odds with awakening fence sitters in the House and Senate that want cleaner air and even cleaner energy.
“These guys are so damn crooked,” said one former Republican who now works to promote alternative fuels. “They will say and do anything just to keep those campaign contributions flowing. “Even the honorable senator’s grand kids don’t trust him and he sees no need to bequeath a healthy planet to them.”
In accordance with the status quo Noise keeps getting reelected by stirring up racial distrust (in Wyoming?), dressing up like a cowboy and beating the Bible. Although these diversions have worked well in the past many rural voters are better informed today and keener on combating the negative affects of air pollution on the planet.
“A lot of these big oil puppets are linked to big pharmacy and big agriculture working like mad trying to grab every last cent of dirty money before the bottom falls out,” said the above source. “They are the swamp. I can’t wait to see them try to spend their fortunes from a prison cell.”
“There are no environmentalists in heaven,” said Noise. “Wind and solar are the work of the devil,” he stressed, fingering the Constitution. “It should be clear to all patriotic Americans that God wants us to drill.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Many Dearly Departed Still on Facebook
A host of deceased individuals continue to be listed as Facebook friends despite the fact that they have crossed over behind the looking glass. Whether they are in heaven or hell does not seem to matter.
Facebook claims an ungodly number of subscribers all over the world and, yes, many are six feet under. Internet regulators have continually promised to examine the rosters and many consumer groups have repeatedly called for action.
“It’s bad enough people spend hours per day reading these posts but now they may be sharing their thoughts with dead people (which is against the law in 14 states and 2 territories). No one knows if the deceased revel in tart, brilliant political jousting, force poorly conceived opinions on others of simply like to look at cats and dogs on-line.
One particularly amusing post stated simply: “You think you have problems? I’m dead.”
The social media giant claims it cannot regulate every aspect of Facebook. It called on the departed to de-friend and terminate the relationship by pushing several buttons and waiting for a final response before leaving the planet for greener pastures.
“It’s the very least they can do,” said a spokesman for Facebook.
– Fred Zeppelin
No Answers on Mass Destruction of Trump Properties
(Seoul) After the flattening of at least four gala Trump properties across the globe authorities are still combing ground zero sites searching for answers in the rubble. On the heels of these odd climate muggings, trusted weather experts now tell us that these environmental mutilations have been joined by three others: One in Mumbai (heat wave, drought, landslides): one in New Jersey (earthquake) and one here in Seoul, South Korea (volcanic eruption).
Here, like the other obliterations, the outbursts and rage limited their reach to the acreage and possessions of the Trump empire. No nearby buildings or facilities were touched. Magnetic fields, instinctive blowback or very bad karma are now in the limelight as the often-turbulent investigation continues. Rumors circulating the White House suggest that the president will fire his entire Cabinet in response to these dreadful occurrences.
Border Collie Marks Bronco Victories
(Gunnison) Bingo, a six-year-old border collie may be instrumental in Bronco wins. Over the past 4 years he has only missed two televised games…both were losses for the orange and blue.
Bingo gets it together moments before kickoff
He is no flash in the pan.
“15 minutes prior to kickoff he starts barking at the TV,” says owner Marvin Marmot of Antelope Hills.
According to Marmot the gifted animal doesn’t have the patience to watch the tail end of other games and often growls at those fans. During commercials he leaves the room. Even though he cannot use the clicker he watches it at all times and guards it so no one can change the channel.
Then at kickoff of the Denver game he is in a canine trance watching intently in his Bronco bed with his Bronco dish full and Bronco leash at the door. He even wears an official cap and number 58 jacket for away games. During pre-season he gave a Bronco stadium blanket to the household cat, reputed to be an ex-Raider fan.
When the game has been decided (won) Bingo looks away from the screen, drops his ears and calmly walks to the door to be let out. Just another day in Bronco Collie Land. When the team loses the behavior is much he same, albeit forced.
Say what you like but Team is 39 – 0 when Bingo watches. The two games he missed were shabby losses to the Eagles and the Steelers during the once-mandatory sheep dog trials in Hotchkiss.
In other sports, Senate Democrats say Supreme Quart Justice, Brett Kavanaugh, allowed Trump to win at golf over 20 times since January of 2017. He then lied about it, they say.
– Suzie Compost
