All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Nature Conservancy To Purchase Africa
(Sawpit) In an attempt to reinvent Africa local environmentalists have announced the purchase of the dark continent. The closing took place in Nairobi this morning.
“We figured this is the only way to save the continent, plagued by disease, starvation and almost constant warfare,” said Muffy Hollandaise of the Nature Conservancy. “If Africans would only adopt our way of life they might be able to turn things around.”
Hollandaise, who admitted her knowledge of Africa was based on Tarzan movies, expressed surprise and muffled denial when it was suggested that most problems originated with European colonization in the latter 19th Century. The new landlords quickly began exploiting the vast mineral wealth and restructuring national boundaries based not on tribal considerations but rather to fit their own white agenda.
Some colonizers were inhumane. Most were harsh. None were benevolent
“We wanted to save the elephants and the rhinos from poachers, not to mention the mountain gorillas from the valley guerrillas,” added Hollandaise. “Many of the species there are endangered much like the African-American population on Colorado Avenue.”
The madness there today can be traced to that period of colonialism when that world was turned upside down. It is hoped that the purchase will allow residents there time to reflect on how better to employ resources, feed people and hammer out a lasting peace.
The price tag for the world’s second largest continent was not disclosed but one Placerville realtor, Hector Dusseldorf, told The Horseshoe that the commission “was substantial”.
-Uncle Pahgre
“Yerra mister, I wouldn’t start from here. Why don’t you go somewhere else before you try to get where your going.”
– common reply in Western Ireland when people ask for directions.
Trump Uruguay Apartments Taken Out by Comet
(Punta del Este) A 26-story apartment tower owned by the Trump family is no more after a collision with a small comet this morning. The stationary edifice was hit head-on by the unnamed comet traveling at a speed estimated to be 2000 miles per hour. According to American Fear-Based Weather forecasts the comet was not expected until 2029. While the Trump property is in shambles no other destruction was reported in the vicinity as vacationers enjoyed the peaceful beaches. Stunned emergency workers, surveyed the damage and isolated the epicenter (or ego climate) and spent hours putting out fires before a ground blizzard (first one ever recorded in the LaPlata Region) forced them to take shelter in a nearby cafe not touched by the comet. Trump blamed immigrants for the damage.
House Approves Daniels
(Warshington) A split House reluctantly approved the hotly contested nomination of Jack Daniels to the Supreme Quart this afternoon. Daniels, a longtime Trump supporter, has no experience in government, but has made millions in the whiskey distillation business in his native Tennessee.
Now that the dust has cleared, supporters admit that opponents all but put a cork in the proceedings. Many are said to have favored George Dickel, a country-western singer from Oklahoma.
Many House Republicans bucked partisan lines to reject the appointment on the grounds that Daniels is uneducated and inexperienced. Washington insiders say the real reason for the hesitation lies within public opinion polls… The more conservative, Bible Belt constituencies would not like the idea of a sour mash king sitting on the nation’s highest quart.
A corn-fed filibuster was avoided when concessions were made that iced the nomination. The final vote was 106-86 with a host of abstentions. The action will now head to the Senate where it is expected to receive quick approval due to the presence of an open bar and scantily clad servers in the Capitol. – Rocky Flats
“We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty.”
– Edward R. Murrow, Report on Senator Joseph McCarthy (March 7, 1954)
Colorado native sons excel in Denver and in San Diego
Three native sons are doing remarkably well in professional baseball and football so far in 2018. Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland, Broncos running back Phillip Lindsay and Chargers receiver Austin Ekeler have shown that not only can they run with the big boys but they can dominate.
Rockies’ ace, Kyle Freeland, a graduate of Thomas Jefferson High School in Denver, played his college ball at Evansville and was drafted by the Rockies in the first round of the 2014 draft. Since earning his first win against the Dodgers in his Major League debut in April 2017 he has emerged as a force on the young staff. This season his stats are impressive: 15-7 under 3.00 era and a legitimate Cy Young candidate in only his second year in The Bigs. The tall left-hander has gained the respect of his fellow players with his going-about-his-business work ethic. He is a big reason the team is in first place at this writing.
Phillip Lindsay, rookie running back for Broncos, graduated from South High School where he was school’s all-time leading rusher. Then he went to University of Colorado where he set records for yards from scrimmage and all-purpose yards. Despite a serious injury in senior year of high school CU upheld his football scholarship and that altruism paid monster dividends.
CU coach Mike MacIntyre called him the Tasmanian Devil due to his remarkable quickness. Phillip was elected team captain his sophomore year and averaged 5 yard per carry at CU.
At 5’ 9” and 190 pounds he was undrafted by the NFL but made the cut with a running-back rich Bronco team. In his first game against the Seahawks he ran between tackles and caught screens, scoring his first passing touchdown to the delight of hometown fans. He is corked energy and explosive drive and is already among the league leaders in rushing and receptions.
Western State Colorado University standout Austin Ekeler now of the Los Angeles Chargers, was born in and went to high school in Eaton, Colorado. Like Lindsay he was an undrafted free agent. Austin is 5’ 10” and 200 pounds worth of tough cookie. 
He excelled out there in Whizzer White’s backyard. His consistent stats at Western were quite impressive, leading running backs in all categories junior and senior years. Average 190 all-purpose yards. 19 touchdowns junior year and 15 senior year plus back-to-back 1500 yards seasons. Like Lindsay he was deemed too small for the NFL but surprise…surprise.
And these days here he is playing pro ball in San Diego. It’s a sure bet he misses the Gunnison winters, heh?
In other sports news: Coloradoans are the least obtuse in the country for the 18th year running. Blunt and sometimes difficult, the Rocky Mountain residents here set the standard for the rest of the nation. Colorado – Be proud or get out.
Spider
Trump International Victim of Sink Hole
(Chicago) The Trump International Hotel and Tower was destroyed this morning after being gobbled up by a rogue sinkhole followed by relentless assaults of hail. As residents fled, the remnants of the building were washed away by a flash flood compliments of an angry Lake Michigan. Miraculously, adjacent properties were unharmed by the violent weather pattern. This is the first time in recorded weather history that these natural disasters have hit simultaneously in a microclimate. A spokesman for the White House blamed Obama for the incident.
Meanwhile our White House is quite calm this morning
Avoiding the current drama of indictments and denials on Pennsylvania Avenue, our local White House Mountain appeared ultra-calm this morning, preparing to welcome the first real winter snow in the San Juans.
