Packer Reunion Set

(Lake City  Daze Gone By  November , 2016)

The semi-annual Alfred Packer family reunion has been rescheduled to the last weekend in November to be more in keeping with the original weather from momentous occasions gone by.

According to the Hinsdale County Sheriff’s Office more than 400 people, who claim to be at least shirttail relatives of the famous cannibal, will enjoy baked beans, potato salad, corn-on-the-cob, coleslaw, Jell-O salad, watermelon, lemonade, and marshmallows.

Meat in any form was conspicuously missing from the menu.

Participants have already filed for a permit to use some 30 acres in the nearby San Juan National Forest, east of Creede. All have filed documents asserting that they have not and will not engage in survival activities that might be deemed offensive, even repulsive to mainstream America. Relatives will host an open house on November 15 to answer questions and calm fears as to plans in the woods.

Cannibals are people too, in fact it can be argued that they are super people,” said Gayle Packer, a supposed great, great grand niece of the famous Packer. “I am here today to tell you that all cannibals are not bad.”

A tongue-in-cheek vegetarian barbecue, featuring carrots, barley, broccoli, asparagus, corn, squash, potatoes, black beans and rice as well as a freshly fattened vegetarian (cooked over a bed of simmered coals) will be served free of charge on Tuesday night.

Expected at this year’s reunion are descendants of the victims George Noon, James Humphrey and Israel Swan (all alleged Packer finger food). All of these men had managed to procreate before meeting up with Packer, thus insuring that their surnames, at least, survived the nauseating picnic.

Former Civil War veteran Al Packer was indicted in 1883 after he confessed that he had murdered Shannon Wilson Bell in self-defense (for the second time) and had eaten several Democrats in 1874, during an aborted journey from the Ute Camp of Chief Ouray to the goldfields of Breckenridge, some 125 miles away. Although convicted of every crime within his reach he reportedly died in his bed of indigestion in Littleton in 1907.

As to Packer’s odd capacity for survival, he not only escaped from jail in Saguache (certainly no small accomplishment) but he also managed to hideout until March of 1883 when he was once more arrested in connection with a banquet of crimes. He subsequently served 17 years at Colorado State Penitentiary where he was a model prisoner.

He finally won his release in 1900 thanks to attorneys for the Colorado Restaurant Association that, figuring he was more of a public relations problem in jail than out, paid the legal fees. Further memory places Packer back in Littleton where he was hit by a tourist bus and succumbed to injuries in 1909. Other accounts record him successfully winning the Hinsdale County Commissioners race in 1906, barely edging out professional wrestling standout Tub “No Neck” Carl Sr. by 3 votes.

– Uncle Pahgre

“One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity.”                 – Andrew Carnegie

Filed Under: Featured Peeks

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