Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year

(Washington) The federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.

In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.

“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.

“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.

Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.

“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”

Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.

“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”   – Melvin Toole

POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING

(Gunnison) Persons who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State Colorado University here. The almost alarming result comes as no surprise and the future becomes painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees.

Already so many local economic development groups are on it, or at least scheduling a series of meetings to discuss the matter.

Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption, live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.                                                 – Melvin O’Toole

Air Guitar Academy Closes Doors

(Escucha al Monte) The Solo Air Guitar Academy, a social fixture in the region since 1955 has announced its closure effective tomorrow morning. Calling the event unfortunate, sources there say the program was simply a victim of the times.

“Kids today are far too abstract to be entertained strumming the air and pressing fake cords for hours no matter how much they like the tune,” said one instructor who has worked at Solo since it’s founding.

Called Berry Institute at the time, in honor of rocker, Chuck Berry, the musical program has undergone little change since that time holding on tightly to traditions and showing a stubborn streak when it came to adopting new techniques, especially the use of 8-tracks and cassettes, then digital recording and ipods.

“Air guitar is air guitar,” stressed another instructor who embraces a more classical approach to the musical mime. “Either you have faith or you don’t. Everyone fantasizes about being the lead guitar picker or even fingering the bass. People today expect to be entertained by outside stimuli like television and the internet. They don’t have time for this kind of nonsense, at least in a social regimentation.”

SWAT Team Responds to late flies

(Ridgway) The local volunteer civilian SWAT team has released figures on its celebrated autumn fly offensive that stretched, at high water mark, from Cow Creek to Elk Meadows. Confirmed kills number in the tens of thousands. In Carne Canyon alone the orange-clad troops told of heavy fighting and a complete defeat for the bothersome insects that, affected by recent cold weather, seemed listless and slow to react to assaults.

One local red crack told The Horseshoe that all the commotion was disturbing the local bear, many which already suffer from acute hibernatus interruptus. He called on all sides to cease hostilities until the spring.

In a related piece the local chapter of the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution is hosting a rummage sale to benefit operations along the border with Latin America. With over 4000 members patrolling the stretch between Nogales and Naco the UDAR hopes to raise $20,000 to purchase lemonade and cookies given to refugees in the Sonoran Desert.

Turkey Lottery Cruel?

(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery for next Thanksgiving has played to mixed reaction here and in other rural communities across the country.

Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.

Here’s how it works: The birds will be assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.

“It’s as fair as anything else,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned can get their lives in order before November and the saved can go on with their lives without fear of a swan song with mashed potatoes and cranberries.”

Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.

“What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said Toole

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UTE WHALE HUNTS APPROVED

Lake Powell Breakthrough Lauded

(Ignacio) In a monumental turn of events the United Snakes Senate today voted in favor of Ute Whale hunts in Arizona and Utah. The action paves the way toward diversification of the reservation economy and promises to give indigent members of the tribe increased opportunity.

“Quite a high percentage of Native Americans seem to lack direction these days,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, Director of Reservation Rehabilitation and Relaxation. Marmotbreath, a tea leaf reader, thinks the destruction of their culture ,the seizure of tribal lands and the adoption of reservations has led to this problem.

“The Utes were never heavy into buffalo hunting since there were few of the beasts in the mountains,” explained Marmotbreath who earned her PhD. in Casino Administration at the Isolationist Institute for International Studies in 2007. “We think the whale hunts will replace the historically incorrect yet legendary buffalo hunts, and in turn help moral.”

The plan has angered environmentalists, many whom support Sierra Club efforts to drain Lake Powell and return Glen Canyon to its natural state.

“What chance will whales have against Ute hunting parties when the water is gone?” asked one Sierra Club member.

If the Lake Powell whale safaris are successful Ute whaling ships may once again be seen on the Colorado River and right there in your bathtub.

Already water interests in Arapaho County have petitioned the state of Colorado for a permit to build a Ute Whaler Water Theme Park adjacent to the Aurora Gang War Zone Memorial there. Principals in that effort insist they will need additional Western Slope water to complete the project. – Small Mouth Bess 

Judiciary Contest Winner Announced

(Crested Butte) Little Melvin Toole of Irwin has won first place in the 2013 Judiciary Contest sponsored by the local civil liberties union. Toole, 6, took home $300 for correctly defining habeas corpus as the right to stand before one’s accuser and the right to protection from unlawful restraint.

The second place finisher Marigold Swami of Crestone defined habeas corpus as producing a dead body while three others said it was a lusty, hummus-like porridge, (haggis) favored by those of Scottish origin and their hung-over friends.

In the final tally 35% of those participating said habeas corpus was a disease common to wild boar while almost 50% said it was the name of a Roman Emperor. One woman told us it was the name of a popular Montrose micro brew.

In addition to the cash Toole will receive an Attica basketball jersey and a free boat trip around Alcatraz Island.      – H. L. Menoken

Lake City Rumor Mill Shut Down

(Capitol City) One of the last vestiges of the San Juan mining era was closed today, dislodging a chunk of the population and leaving others cemented in their overshoes, shocked and clueless.

The termination of activities at the mill, located up Henson Creek adjacent to the Yellow Snow Mine, is reportedly due to erratic production, general neglect, bad whiskey and ground pollution. According to people in ties, clipboards and white shirts from the Euphemistic Procrastination Agency the mill presented a danger to the health and harmony of the town.

“The EPA has confirmed the forced closure of the celebrated Lake City Rumor Mill,” said a source within the agency. “Tomorrow we bring in the bulldozers and dynamite. Soon all traces of that wicked pimple on the landscape will be gone.”

The former rumor mill, thought to be haunted, will become a destination spot for extreme ninja RVers, due to high landslide potential on the funny side of the mountain.

For decades the rumor mill churned out juicy stories involving everyone from the mayor to the town drunk. Attempts to pump life into the facility have been futile due to its remote status and distance from civilization. National historic distinction has done little to generate operating funds and potential for an obscure structural wilderness status is still up in the air.

“I remember kissing Margaret Hatch in front of the mill in my ’54 Chevy back in 1953,” said Old Man Pritchard of the Hinsdale Pritchards. “When her daddy got wind of my intentions he chased me all the way to Spar City with a chainsaw. Boy, those were the days!”

The rumor mill’s popularity as a make-out spot soon came to the attention of local law enforcement agencies who carried out countless SWAT team excursions into the area in the Sixties and Seventies.

“We were convinced there were guerrillas hiding in the tunnels out there,” said one deputy, “but all we found were a bunch of nubian hippies and their skinny goats.”

Despite a sadness lingering over the town most people have accepted the closure and have gotten back to the business of talking about each other.

“Plowing over a few acres of rock will never stop the gossip from flowing,” said one resident credited with starting tattle on such hot topics as lake polygamy to naughty knife swapping parties to UFO landings on the Cannibal Plateau. “After one particularly creative session we had hundreds of tourists out looking for Slumgullion’s Treasure as far south as the Weminuche when everyone here knows that the peg-legged, murdering pirate’s stash was deposited in the local bank back in 2009.”

According to gov’ment agencies jockeying for fetal position above town, mounds of tailings, the residue of the mill, will be hauled to the Ronald Reagan Re-Education Camp at Powderhorn. Rumor has it that it will then be spun into gold by political prisoners currently incarcerated there. – Fred Zeppelin