CHURCH IN HOT WATER WITH IRS OVER CASINO OPENING

(Wimpton) The Chapel of the Full-Tilt Reformed Blinding Light Unicorn Salvation and Ante-Coastal Fellowship may forfeit its tax-exempt status due to the opening of a high stakes casino on its 30,000-acre survivalist fortress here.

According to investigating Treasury Department officials excused tax status and gambling don’t mix well.

“Who ever heard of a non-profit black jack table,” said one IRS agent. “It’s virtually impossible even with the watered down games that these jokers have been pushing on their congregation since the Puritans hit the pulpit.”

The fellowship, which operates out of the trunk of a Buick LeSabre registered to a Rev. Phillip Pharisee, plans to appeal whatever decision is handed down on the grounds of religious freedom.

Traditional gambling interests in Las Vegas and Atlantic City have already threatened to align themselves with the church in light of the potential increase in customers.

“If we could crack the Sunday go-to-meeting crowd we might survive the onslaught of riverboat, First American and low stakes shanty casinos that have cropped up in every fishing village, reservation and former mining town across the country,” said one poker-faced spokesman from Nevada. “Imagine the profits/collections from the fish fry/bingo contingent alone.”

Lobbyists for the gambling industry have long sought the relaxation of laws prohibiting children and the mentally ill from wagering paychecks and pumping slot machines.

“Let’s face it,” said the source, “eternal life is a gamble and there’s no better time to start counting cards than the present.”

A decision on the matter is expected Friday. Already Pharisee has threatened to relocate his fortress and his Buick to Russia, “where at least they have religious freedom,” if the IRS forces the issue.

                     Cereal blamed for demise

(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.

After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and academics, urban stress as well as the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.

“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.

Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugar-coated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.

“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellog’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”

Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.

“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”                                                               – Kashmir Horseshoe

Huey Long Demands Recount

(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.

Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalofile Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.

It is not known how long Long will be in town.

 

GARDEN OF EDEN

The stormy spring morning on Mulberry Street takes a peek at a drenched Lucifero setting up his ragtag vegetable stand like always. For the last week or two he’s been expanding his inventory to include summer fruits arriving by the truckload from New Jersey. Soon a warm sun burns the clouds away. He looks to the heavens and registers his still sour mood with the cynical snap of a wet Sicilian.

“Idiots. They are all idiots, running to their own funerals. None of them ever ask the right questions. They don’t even know where they came from, and have certainly never faced the prospects of where they are going,” he chanted. The most unoriginal sinners in the world live in New York.

“I’ve sold to new potatoes to Nebuchadnezzar II, corn to Cleopatra, snow peas to Pontius Pilot, gourds to Genghis Khan, string beans to King Henry whatsisname, and honeydew melon to Napoleon, not to mention one bright shiny, red apple to a woman named Eve,” he smiled. “And here it is 1939 and I’m stuck negotiating the price of traumatized Brussels sprouts with comatose peasants.”

Just then, a large, slightly overweight fellow with a snow white beard, wearing a faded red plaid hunting jacket came humming around Lucifero’s leafy corner. As he passed the stand he waved good day an grabbed an apple. Before Lucifero could say “Old Scratch” the man had disappeared.

“Damn, he did it again,” spat Lucifero. “I might make a living it it weren’t for thieves, taxes and fruit flies.”

“Hold the moralizing, Lucifero,” rasped a white-bearded whisper from a nearby doorway. “I pay my fruit and vegetable tab at the end of every week, now don’t say I don’t.”

A stooped Lucifero swung around to a contorted response, lowering his head, watching the apple snatcher chewing away contentedly.

“And hold your head up, boy. How do expect to project the proper image with that posture! Good apple, though, Lucifero,” he chomped. “No worms for a change.”

“Or snakes,” said Lucifero, tempting divine providence on that charming spring day. “I do my own work best, without any input from your pack of thugs,” he slurred. “Is that your car?

“Yeah, it’s a Cadillac. Gabriel bought it for me last month. He says I need to drive something befitting my station in life. I think he’s social climbing in his own angelic way.”

“That can get you into trouble, heh?” answers Lucifero. “But some of us did survive, and then there are the human extensions. Look at my boy Adolf. He’s kicking some butt in Europe. Did you see the way he seduced the Austrians and marched into Czechoslovakia?”

“We’ll see how you do after Winston and Franklin get their ducks in a row. One thing’s for sure, you could be striking it rich like the other angles if you’d have just been patient. They went corporate, sure, they showed up for work every day. They bought the eternal plan. But look at Michael, he’s semi-retired to the celestial suburbs, has a summer home in the Hamptons, and buys a new set of wings every year. Thugs like him are sipping the nectar of the gods, while you’re own here sorting cauliflower, arranging sweet potatoes and bitching about your lot.”

“Who’s bitching? I’m just telling it like it is. I tried working for you. There were those philosophical differences. You try working this stand all day and see if you still love all these people so damn much. I’d like to see you in this apron with all your all-knowing, all-forgiving omni-presentness and all that,” said Lucifero, noticing a frown forming on the man’s forested face. Thinking better of incurring his wrath he changes his approach.

“Here, have a pear. They’re very nice today…”

“…But I’ve just had an apple,” said the white beard. “A pear would be a sin, and don’t be so defensive.”

“Just pay up, then” says a rearmed Lucifero holding out his hand. “Put your money where your mouth was.”

Just then a couple waltzes down the street, their odd, magic ballet explainable only in one silly word: Love.

Although they appeared to be adrift, they dropped their amorous anchor right in front of Lucifero’s vegetable stand.

“Good morning,” offered Lucifero. “Nice morning. Are you looking for something special?”

“Not really, sir,” said the young man. “Beautiful pears, though.”

“Yes. Beautiful pears,” said Lucifero thinking back to a moment ago. “Do you live around here? I have not seen you before.”

“We live in the Garden District,” answered the young woman. “I’m Eve and this is Adam.”

This time Lucifero’s gaze in the direction of the bearded man was met with one of equal surprise. Ancient eyebrows were in full tilt. Both hurled themselves back into the conversation.

“Is that a fact,” quipped Lucifero. Well, welcome to the neighborhood. I am Lucifero, and this is my friend Mr…Mr. Smith. Yes. Mr. Smith.”

Adam shook hands, Eve nodded cordially.

“What do you do, Mr. Smith,” she asks politely.

“Oh a little of this, and a little of that…”

“He’s too modest,” shot Lucifero. Mr. Smith is a renown creator of some regard. He has accomplished much in the field of human resources in what has been very little time.”

“Now, Lucifero, let’s not bore these kids with my history…”

“What would you like, then?” asks Lucifero, changing the conversation back to the business of produce.

“Those tomatoes look good. Where do they come from?” asked the young man.

“Upstate,” said Lucifero.

“We’ll take a dozen, and six ears of corn and…what about some apples, honey?” asks Adam. “You’ve been staring at them since we got here.”

“Yes, Eve, how about some nice apples?” smiles Lucifero holding out one of his best.

“You want to be careful of apples this time of the year, dear,” starts the bearded man. “You can’t tell it but most have worms and the fruit’s still mushy.”

“You just ate one,” said Lucifero. “Did you encounter the little serpents?”

“No, but maybe I was just lucky.”

“How much are the apples?” asks Eve, now entranced by the red treasure.

“Maybe a bit more than you’ll want to pay,” cracked the creator.

“Let the lady decide,” schmoozed Lucifero handing her the apple.

Eve looks at the apple, looks at Adam and glances in the direction of the bearded man who is shaking his head from side to side.

“I’ll take it,” says Eve biting down hard on the fruit.

Lucifero completes the transaction, delighted with his sale. The Adam and Eve skip off with their treasures.

“Curses!” says the creator. “I give them a free will but they stumble every time!”

“Now, there’s no need for profanity, sir, “smiles Lucifero. “Here, I have a present for you. It’s a very interesting piece by a fellow named Darwin. Maybe it will shed some light on the behavior of these humans.”

“Darwin, huh?” he answers. “I heard something about him the last time I was in Tennessee.”

– Kevin Haley

 

 

Aliens Coming Out in Record Droves

(Lake City) The recent, seemingly overnight, acceptance of gays in this culture has encouraged many aliens to come out of the closet. This burgeoning tolerance, at least at the polls, has allowed many aliens to declare orientations and preferences where real identities had been in hiding.

Along with marijuana growers these visitors from other planets and solar systems had been forced underground, embracing a low profile existence except within closed circles. Now, more and more, these same aliens are beginning to live their lives as who they want to be: Extraterrestrials!

In some parts of the country the majority of residents claim alien ancestry. This is particularly acute in remote locales and rural precincts.

“The space wanderers often preferred to make their entries in less mainstream spots where they might assimilate easier,” said Dr. Egram Orbit of Hinsdale Star Institute. “We have been watching UFOs land around here for decades. In a place where eccentricity is the mountain boilerplate, these new arrivals find that surviving the harsh winters is more difficult than lining them up at the local bar.”

The coming out display is particularly emancipating for the more than 150,000 aliens who had been living under Bakersfield, California and Detroit, Michigan. Many have been living in deplorable conditions without the light of day since the 50s when they were uprooted from homes in Area 51 and sent to reeducation camps in Los Angeles.

“Most of the space people escaped from the minimum security internment facilities and resettled under major U.S. cities such as Atlantic City, Rockford, Illinois and Phoenix,” continued Orbit.

“Your gov’ment has been conducting a series of cloning experiments since 1947 in Nevada and New Mexico,” said a representative of the Obama Administration. “We simply picked up where the Bush people left off. Today we have aliens working in every department of government, including the White House, Pentagon and the Congress. These are not support personnel but rather policy stalwarts and decision makers.

“Does the name Dick Cheney ring a bell? How about Nancy Pelosi?” he chided.

In a related piece, NASA has announced that (North Korean) Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un and sidekick flamboyant basketball celebrity Dennis Rodman are definitely from another solar system, an accusation not denied in Pyongyang.

“It’s all explained in the tattoos,” said Orbit. “Connect the dots and the entire rationale will become startlingly clear.”     -Irm Peawit

–FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT–

Saturday is the last day to take advantage of gratis pickup of old, tired opinions and decomposed superstitions. Residents and guests wishing to enjoy this free removal and same day deposit at the local landfill should simply store their trite convictions, frazzled sentiments and threadbare assumptions on the curb in the pretty blue baskets and not in dirty pails with the other garbage. Colorado residents are again reminded that they have until Thursday to comply with new regulations as to the indiscriminate burning of fossil fuels for personal use. Vehicles over 30 years old will no longer be eligible for free checkups due to cost cutting measures adopted by state agencies and Medicar, which lost federal funding in the face of the high cost of waging war in the Mideast. Thanks for your attention to this pressing matter – Testosterone Brothers Sanitation

DOW Doing Fine After Botched Hunting Season

(Denver) It’s business as usual in Division of Wildlife bunkers on North Broadway today despite what most Coloradans are calling the poorest hunting season since records have been kept. In what has all the earmarkings of a federal foul up, the 2013 hunting season has been put out to pasture.

Even though most merchants suffered economic losses due to DOW bungling there are certainly no plans for lay-offs or adjustments within the ranks of Game and Fish. Already the wardens of our deer and elk are making plans to sell more overpriced licenses next season.

“The problem is one of confusion mixed with arrogance,” said Melvin Toole, a hunter from Mack. “What’s all this business about drawing for regions and over-the-counter cow elk tags anyway? It’s just a mess. What’s wrong with the concept of three seasons? We had deer season first, then elk season followed by combined season. I for one favor a boycott on all this DOW crap and the return to farmer’s season.”

The last season mentioned by Toole involves poaching, a DOW term for people shooting their own deer and elk without bureaucratic intrusion.

“We don’t like to hear citizens talking like that, said Earl Tagger, a lifer at the division. “If everyone took that attitude we’d lose a bundle and wouldn’t be able to continue to finance our protective harassment of Colorado’s animals. We’d have to close down.”

Toole says collected statistics could be applied to bear, elk, salmon, coyotes, moose, marmots and even the wolves that we don’t have here.

“If the state boys would simply do their math they might fall across a valid conclusion from time to time,” said Toole. “Maybe a return to hunting cats would help preserve the deer herd. It’s too late to back off now. We’ve already messed with the natural order. Today survival of the fittest is defined as a game and fish employee who survives until retirement.”

Hunters’ rights groups add that there are more deer killed on the highway than were killed this season.

“Imagine a group of hunters from Pennsylvania who plan to come west but can’t figure out the seasons. We’ll soon be seeing these people in Wyoming and Idaho,” they say. “While some of our Colorado citizens think this is a good idea many of us look at the situation strictly from the economic realities of the past. Due to escalating license fees the classic good ol’ boys that used to come here every autumn can’t afford to do so anymore. Instead we get more rich folks from the suburbs and they’re just not as much fun to have around.”

In related news the federal gov’ment has announced plans to drop unearthed woolly mammoth DNA onto the plateaus of Northwest Colorado and release nomadic reindeer herds onto the ski slopes of Powderhorn, Monarch and Crested Butte. The forced hosting of reindeer is said to be payback for leased Forest Service land. The DNA, recently collected from the extinct woolly mammoths in ice encased Siberian caves, is reportedly to be nurtured for future cloning experiments.

Later the conclusive results of the research will be stored in Nevada, along with industrial residue, nuclear waste and other elements the human race has created but doesn’t know what to do with at present. – Suzie Compost

 

Uncle Ben defects to China

(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Uncle Ben (no last name given), has reportedly fled the US for the People’s Republic of China where he has allegedly applied for political asylum.

The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret rice recipes to Vietnam. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Hanoi via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have easily beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.

“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”

The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Obama Administration which had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.

A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.

“In no way should Ms. Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for Amos and Andy or the war in the Congo.”

When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after fluffing the rice.   – Gabby Haze