All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
Skis Must Include Warning Label
(Crested Butte) All skis and snowboards manufactured after 2013 must display a mandatory label notifying winter sports enthusiasts of the potential hazards intrinsic to the employment of the athletic devices. The ruling came down after an upsurge in lawsuits claiming that manufacturers were acting irresponsibly by not informing patrons of dangers inherent to regular use of their products.
“The age of common sense has once again eluded us,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), sponsor of the legislation. “It is surely sad that people can’t police themselves on the slopes or standing in a bucket of water in body armor while playing with electrical outlets. Natural selection has gone the way of the buffalo but unlike the recovery of that great mammal it has yet to make a comeback. Precedent has been set. Idiots have been awarded millions of dollars due to their own stupidity and we don’t want to see the struggling ski industry be further tapped. Insurance premiums are high enough.”
The warning signs must be prominently displayed on the front of both skis. Federal inspectors will begin random checks in January. It is still not clear if boots and poles will be included in the restrictive measures.
“We have all seen the harm that can result after a day spent in tight ski boots,” continued Noise, “and the damage inflicted with ski poles can be devastating. Ski rental shops take full responsibility with regards to bindings but nobody is undressing the chronic problem of boards on the snow. This is when your gov’ment must step in and protect you. Thank your lucky stars for the gov’ment, heh?”
Already rules and regulations have been plastered on every lift and lift ticket in an attempt to insulate against legal actions. Cautions as to skiing out of bounds and or changing weather conditions have become routine since the early days of ski areas.
“Caveats have been rendered and now it’s up to the people and snowboarders to embrace accountability,” said the senator.
In a related story Congress has issued new guidelines leavened with statutes relevant to mattresses and dog owners. As of next year all bed manufacturers must display a caution tag informing sleepers that getting out of bed can be dangerous. In the canine sector, all dogs must exhibit collar warnings as to the possibility of bites, gluttony or jumping up on an unsuspecting bystander.
“This goes beyond the traditional mattress removal laws and humane society recommendations,” he spat. “Shall the police visit the boudoir? Shall inspections be concurrent with doggy’s morning ritual?
According to preliminary canons, parties who fail to fully cooperate with government directives will be shot.
– Avery Gallant
ESPM RELEASES WINTER SPORTS SCHEDULE
(New Jork) The whirled’s largest sports network will present a host of new programs starting this winter. Standouts include women’s street lacrosse and regatta competitions as well as tried and true features like celebrity raft excursions and jail bait bass fishing. All will be seen in original full length with complimentary simulcasts in Spanish and French. Here are some highlights with brief synopsis:
Ancient Mariner Hurricane Regatta
For nine weeks running, ESPM has filmed brave men and women who insist on sailing in near-death conditions and riding out hurricanes far from dry land. Although footage is particularly marred by the swirl of high winds and cracking masts the bare-boned desire of salty rivalries more than makes up for the quality of the audio. During the pilot series over 30 boats, and as many daredevil sailors, were lost at sea. The segment was rescued from the cutting room floor after a leading pain relief concern jumped on board with eleventh hour sponsorship. The regatta is expected to run through December, when the winds die down and pick up again in August. Offseason broadcasts will center on Puritan fruit drying and the history of tobacco planting in Tidewater Virginia compliments of the Mystery Channel.
Insomniac Women’s Street Lacrosse
Need a little simulated contact to put you to sleep? Tune into the ESPM’s newest costume drama. Well-documented women athletes go at it for three periods on rollerblades, armed with rocket pocket lacrosse sticks and mace. The winner is determined not only by final score but by style and grace. Most of the competitions are presented live which certainly adds to the suspense at that often dark time of the day. The popularity of the sport is catching on like wildfire with three leagues operating in the US alone. Burghs like Waterloo and Winnemucca have already extorted funds from the local population to build gaping stadiums “the size of a Texas Nascar racetrack.” Sponsored by the maker of a prominent pain relief formula street lacrosse is sure to catch on with disaffected roller derby fans and maybe pull in a few football fans unhappy with non-violent safety curbs recently imposed by that sport.
Celebrity Raft Excursions II
Although very little information has been released about this anxiously awaited feature, most people in the industry agree it is just a remake of Celebrity Raft Excursions I. Executives at ESPM have been ultra-secretive and reluctant to share details and product research findings while insiders are laughing up their sleeve at a “concocted fan base made up of overweight couch dwellers who have no lives and subsist on the behavior of others to create their own empty psyche.” Details of upcoming shows are scant but we do know that the first episode involves a randomly selected audience member enjoying a three week respite on the Coral Sea with four half-starved World War II Japanese naval veterans. In early December viewers may thrill to the exploits of a celebrity rafting crew made up of Rush Limbaugh, Nancy Pelosi, Liz Cheney, the British Petroleum dancers and the ashes urn reputedly holding the remains of deceased senator, Ted Kennedy. Due to the overburden weight the craft will be coupled with a large wooden dingy once used on the set of Mulligan’s Island. Then, nearer to the holidays, ESPM travels to death row at the Tennessee State Penitentiary for a roundtable discussion on recreational water craft safety.
Waco Joe’s Jail Bait Bass Fishing
Every Saturday world famous sport fisherman Waco Joe will be chronicled as he goes bass fishing with very young girls in scanty bathing suits. 56-year-old Joe, a retired submariner, attempts to teach his crew the right way to nail a bass. Filmed in Louisiana with subtitles. Sponsored by Clearasil Ointment and a major pain relief manufacturer.
Big news…
at ESPM is the adoption of instant replay color analysis practiced by broadcasters on the air. In what is called a sophisticated approach to sports sharing the network will present two sets of broadcasting teams, one housed in the main press booth and another, comprised of educated jocks and idiomatic experts placed in a surreptitious spot somewhere in the given complex with powerful field glasses and svelte monitoring equipment. As one might expect the second pair is in place to critique the first in the genres of proper speech, attire, contrived body language and use of mindless and monotonous cliches. The appraisals will be made after every time out of inning change. Mistakes will be dealt with harshly and often result in terminations despite the often king-size egos of the deposed.
Fuball
Volleyball’s for girls
Tennis is for sissies
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Chess is for wimps
Swimmin for worms
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Hockey is for softheads
Golf is for jellyfish
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Bowling is for cowards
Baseball is for milksops
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Surfing is for squid
Jogging is for chickens
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Yachting is for pantywaists
Handball is for doormats
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
– Ernest Washington, halfback
Northeast Southwest Oklahoma
700-pound woman falls from tree
(Manana) A large unidentified woman crashed to the ground here yesterday, ejecting from a small aspen tree that promised to support her mass no more. Although there were no serious injuries reported, a large crater, estimated to be as large as downtown Olathe, represented the residue of the incident.
People reported feeling the repercussions as far away as Peach Valley. How the subject managed to climb the tree was not clear. Police suspect she might have done it at night under the cover of darkness.
“We see far more of these incidents this time of the year since fewer people climb trees in winter and fall,” said one officer on the scene. We have filed charges of reckless endangerment and operating a vehicle without proper paperwork.”
Already groups in solidarity with the weight disadvantaged have pledged to protest the criminal charges. They suggest that the owner of the tree should have placed warnings on and around the aspen.
“Someone could really get hurt,” said Wardine Schmelte, an advocate of the chubby. “We hope to make an example out of this irresponsible disregard for public safety.”
The victim of the fall attributes her weight to hours of television, mounds of fast food and over 45 diet pops reputedly consumed each day.
“It’s not easy being 500 pounds overweight,” said a eyewitness. “But the next time she should at least get clearance from local air traffic controllers.”
Police admit that the use of a safety belt may not have made any difference in the calamity. The tree is in stable condition this morning at the Montrose Memorial Nursery.
The woman’s name will not be released until the hole is filled.
– Fred Zeppelin
Surfing Club Liquidates
The last regular meeting of the Western State Surfing Club was held at the Aspinall-Wilson Center last night. The organization, chartered in 1919 by veterans of World War I, reached its peak in 1963 when it boasted some 300 members. That year the club brought The Beach Boys, Jan & Dean, The Ventures, Dick Dale, The Surfaris, The Sun Rays, Ronny & The Daytonas and The Trashmen to the campus. Over the years members have traveled to such exotic spots as Chile, Hawaii and the Canary Islands in search of the perfect wave.
The executive board decided to disband since nobody attends the meetings anymore.
“Students are far more interested in snowboarding than surfing around here,” said a former member. “It’s the instant gratification thing. There’s a great ski area 28 miles to the north and good surfing spots the ocean are at least a thousand miles from here.”
Excess funds, leftover from operations, remain in a secret Swiss bank account and may go toward the 2014 whitewashing of the W on a nearby mountain top.
Candidate suggests trading refugees
(Washington) In what critics are calling an innovative approach to a long-standing crisis, Republican semi-candidate Steve Forbes has suggested social grace over top heavy diplomacy.
His idea is simple: Don’t stack up refugees in muddy, lice-ridden camps in contested areas. Ship them far away where adversaries are few and old wounds aren’t quite so evident.
“Steve talks about sending 3,000 Syrians to East Timor and a boatload of Rwandans to Chiapas,” said a campaign source. “He thinks it will relieve the pressure in trouble spots, giving divine right advocates in the West solve ancient problems. Compared to the present policies it may not be so far fetched.”
Forbes, a multi-millionaire accustomed to taking assorted vacations says the refugees might enjoy the change in that most don’t have the time and/or money to see the world.
“Talk about throwing money at a problem,” quipped Presidential front runner Ted “Santa” Cruise. “Maybe Steve thinks the refugees will simply disappear en route thus solving another problem while the sun goes down. It’s nuts. They just won’t cooperate and fall through the cracks. I say keep the refugees inside the barb wire fences and feed them from large bags of grain and flower like during the Berlin Airlift. What’s wrong with that?”
Other detractors say Forbes is the product of affluence and does not understand the concept of destitute.
“He thinks refugees have credit cards,” said one Congressional Democrat, on his way out the Senate door for yet another recess.
“Forbes has not even considered the burdens placed on cruise lines or the calculation of frequent flyer miles that would certainly emerge in the residue of his elitist solutions,” he added. – Suzie Compost
