All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
MEXICO BUYS AMTRAK
(Puerto Escondido) The Mexican government has announced the purchase of Amtrak effective May 1. The deal was consummated sometime early this morning when nobody was awake yet. Negotiations have been going on since the weekend regarding the transfer of the railroad.
“The North American Free Trade Agreement has paved the way for this and other acquisitions by our neighbors to the south,” said an Obama Administration spokesperson.
The new owners of Amtrak have promised to fire most employees of the railroad and clean the bathrooms at least once a month. The train attendants are being released due to a pattern of rudeness, and the question of filthy bathrooms is being undressed due to basic interstate health codes.
“I remember when taking the train was a wonderful experience,” said Olivia Heartburne of Helper, Utah. “Now, due in part to a bad attitude displayed by Amtrak employees and absolutely no adherence to timetables, it is barely a step up from the bus.”
Depending on the general reception of its initial programs Mexitrak may invest millions in revamping abandoned railroad lines and laying track in remote regions from Maine to California.
“Someday I will be able to visit my boyfriend Willy all the way over in Colona without so much as hitchin’ up the Clydesdales,” added Heartburne. “Won’t that be something!”
Editor’s Note: The once popular practice of tying innocent maidens to railroad tracks prior to the arrival of the charging freight train has severely diminished around these parts since the Denver-Rio Grande pulled most of its tracks out of the Uncompahgre Valley in 1975. Classical villains and sunny day wretches, often dressed in black, enjoyed this recreational outlet and usually were successful in exhorting funds from worried relatives or favors from frightened fillies. Others did it just for the pure joy of it all. It is this group that we will examine in our next segment of Rocky Mountain Mammaries located somewhere in this paper.
-Uncle Pahgre
Cruel and Unusual Punishment
Part II
As our reader may recall: In the January 4 posting Ma MacElliot was thrown in jail after an indictment for her sixth DUI. In addition to the inconvenience of the slammer, Ma is now forced to deal with a troupe of bothersome, deadweights trying to better their haut monde standing by living in her dilapidated trailer and feeding her cats (creatures which she does not quarter there, nor tolerate on the premises). Now the pests have taken to visiting her behind bars further invading her privacy.
The next morning the visits continued. Apparently Thursday was Visitor’s Day too. A tearful, hunched over figure in black emerged from the shadows of the minimum security visiting station. It was Ma’s grandmother. She was crying.
“Oh hello Margaret, what is it this time? Loose a tooth? Break a nail? Accidently drop a faulty nuclear device on Grand Junction?”
“Hello, Ma. I can barely stand to see you like this. I heard what happened and just wanted to visit you. Is there anything you need?”
“Fewer visits would be nice. I have had most of my kin here already asking for favors. What do you want?”
“Want? Oh please my dear. I don’t want anything. I just hoped to….”
“Hoped to feed my cats, water my plants, drive my car around?” said Ma.
“Well, the place is empty for four months and I am tired of the shelter,”
was her frustrated response.
“No, mom. My trailer ain’t much but at least it’s standing. What about the doublewide I gave you in 2006? How about the money that was supposed to pay your electric bill last fall? As long as you like Polish vodka more than American heat I will refrain from investing in your comforts.”
“Well you insolent, unappreciative daughter….just like your father, no respect for the woman who brought you up in this cold world. I must have been insane to come here. You’ll see me no more!”
“Good. I just got rid of my lazy husband and now you all have descended on me. OK, you win…I have $47 in an STP can on the porch shelf. Take it all, unless Merle snatched it on his way out the door. I don’t have anything but that lousy, old trailer house and the clothes on my back. Do you want those too?
A prison guard approached Ma’s cell and told her she would be receiving a call from her son, Blacky, the next day. He wanted to talk about what she would be doing with her trailer for the next four months. He was the worst of all of the MacElliots.
“I thought he was doing time on an honor farm in California,” she muttered back.
She remembered when they had stayed with her, not all at once, but a few at a time, eating her food, drinking her beer, using her toilet paper, sleeping on her furniture. If even one of them had offered to pay me back…or even taken out the trash it would be different.
First cousin Sal moved in for a few days back in 1988 and it was 1989 before I could pry him out of the place. Thanks to my good biker buddies, the Lil’ Sons of Bitches, over in Cortez, he won’t be coming around again.
Then it was an in-law, Little Eva and her seven or eight kids, none of whom are potty trained. I’ve had whiners and wannabees, bullies and bullshitters, muscleheads and moochers, thieves and gladhanders…and all from one family!
“They can’t be after my paltry Social Security check, can they?” she pondered. “Fortunately most of them have yet to figure out where that money comes from and none know quite how to go about cashing something like a check.”
“You gotta work some to get the check when you get older,” Ma tried to explain to Eva. “And you have never worked so chances are you won’t be getting a check.”
Then the second wave hit. Unbeknown to Ma the brood, with legal and extended bloodlines, had stuck around for scene two. The visits increased and length and intensity. Her sister complained about her cousin. Her aunt could not stand her brother-in-law. Her son had flattened his uncle’s nose. There was nothing to eat. They were cutting off the power on Tuesday.
They had yet to cross the threshold to her tin palace but they were camped all around it. They were perched, waiting for her to blink. Waiting for her to cave-in to their demands. She would not.
One thing about sitting around a jail cell all day is that it makes one stubborn. It also gives one a lot of time to think things through. Aunt Cecile has rented a studio apartment in town so as to be close for visits. Uncle Al has hooked up a shower in the barn. Eva had registered her seven or eight monsters in the local school.
“I had my ducks in a row, damn it,” mused Ma.
The next afternoon Ma recounted her family trials with her prison counselor, Samuel Dulles Sharpe, who offered a supportive ear. He was so tired of But I’m innocent hard luck stories told in the bowls of another failed institution. He was so bored. This woman sitting across from him was an imbecile. She saw the world in black and white and he desperately needed diversion. He decided to encourage her, willing to clean up the mess afterwards. Besides, he would be retiring in eight months and he began to see that a stirring of this particular pot would be a fitting farewell to the prison hierarchy.
Sharpe smiled and told her that since she had only violated a state law she was sent to a state lockup and that since she was considered low security risk she had ended up here. He said that she would have committed a more serious offense she would be in the cat bird’s seat, and doing her time in maximum security, much nicer digs than the county jail.
She listened without a word.
“Or if you had really done it up and committed a federal offense, like, say, advocating the violent overthrow of the United States government, you’d be sitting in a bright, new cell. Clean sheets and a view! Watched over by G-men who would monitor you for terrorist leanings and anarchist tendencies.
“You’re stock would skyrocket if you were a federal prisoner,” said Sharpe muffling a smile, who had grown cynical after 30 years in the system. He saw no rehabilitation or much attempt at helping the convicts prepare to reenter society.
He laughed out loud.
This whole façade is just a holding tank where petty criminals make all the right connections so as to learn the tools of the trade and prosper later when they rejoin the real world, he thought.
“Or you could bribe and guard, or plan an escape…or maybe tie a bed sheet out your window,” he whispered to Ma, his puffy, red eyes darting back and forth in silly apprehension of snoops and eavesdroppers.
Further obsessed with her immediate enigma, Ma meekly asked about the food at the federal joint and wondered if her family members could ever find her in one of those bright, new cells.
He laughed again.
After Ma asked enough legal questions to pass the Bar the session came to a close. Ma had learned three things:
First, if she had committed a felony she’d have done more time but maybe in a max security facility that severely limited visits, maybe even solitary confinement if she earned it. Second, if she had violated a federal law she would be going to a shiny federal prison somewhere between Homestead and Nome where they’d never find her. Third: It wasn’t too late to secure a little peace – Advocate the violent overthrow of the US government? That doesn’t seem too far-fetched.
Sharpe, now enjoying his bit of system sabotage, accompanied Ma to the prison library where she consumed everything she could about political subversion, bomb building, militant history, civil disobedience, Lenin, Trotsky, Huxley, Mencken, Orwell, Pearse, Einstein and Darwin. She had never been motivated to read anything but supermarket tabloids and lottery tickets before but now she was on the verge of dismantling her previous existence and embracing a new life as a political extremist! She now had a purpose. It felt good.
To be continued on February 4 posting
Snowboarder Collides with Blimp
(Crested Butte) An insurgent snowboarder sustained slight injuries today after crashing into the famous Goodyear Blimp high above town.
According to unreliable but amusing ski patrol sources the snowboarder lost control while “negotiating the totally hairy Macadamian Grunge Spinal Sequence at about 3 in the afternoon”. Missing his reentry coordinates by inches due to early ice buildup, the shredder was hurled through immediate space, slamming hard into the right side of the blimp.
The airship was present in local skies to monitor weather patterns, validate USFS drone use and to support law enforcement in its attempts to arrest everyone. Until this morning it had been disguised as a large prune so as not to alarm the local, mega-superstitious tribes that reside here in smoky river redoubts and burgeoning lice cave bivouacs.
“The blimp is fine and the kid would have been OK too if he hadn’t insisted on returning to earth,” snickered a patrolman below the scene. “Gravity can be nasty business.”
The snowboarder, here on vacation from Gunnison, called it his best day ever on the mountain. Still unidentified, he had cut afternoon classes at Western and hitched to the Butte.
“They don’t teach you about these kinds of experiences in physics class,” said the snowboarder.
According to spatial experts the chances of the wreck were all but mathematically impossible.
This episode marks yet another bizarre accident on the slopes this year. Why just last week second gnome owner and Oklahoma skier, Jimmy Jeff Gland ran head-on into a cow elk on East River Lift. Both survived despite a childish fistfight that broke out between macho lift operators and a herd of irritated bull elk that had arrived on the scene. Back in December Bebel Mateus, an attractive, exotic dancer/skier from Rio, was reportedly snatched from the Paradise Headwall (just as the lifts closed for the day) by dark, murky beings thought to be aliens from another galaxy or something.
– Fred Zeppelin
Aliens to gain legal status through jury duty
(El Lay) Immigrants of various genres can gain quick citizenship by performing jury duty according to the department of Naturalization and Meltdown officials here. The alpha program has been approved by the Congress, after a slight filibuster by House GOP stalwarts, and signed into law by the President so as to avoid a shutdown of the legal system.
“The Congress was anxious to get on with vacation and Barack, caught off guard by the non-partisan action, signed it as part of a compromise aimed at implementing a host of future free trade fantasies generated from White House.
Proponents of the action say that most Americans would rather take a beating than sit on a jury. The new arrangement not only fills this void but allows aliens a new path to citizenship and a chance to gain respect in their new country.
Critics insist it is just another way to avoid the responsibilities of Democracy.
“It’s like buying your way out of military service or sending someone else to the ballot box to do one’s bidding,” said a representative from Louisiana who voted against the measure.
Sponsors of the legislation say that the access to legal codes and procedures helps new arrivals assimilate faster. They agree that language barriers would have to be overcome and a redefining of what constitutes a peer group might need revamping. For the first few months sign language will be implemented, then translators next to the court reporters.
“The immigrant seeks acceptance,” said one senator that favors the changes. “We feel that the presence of warm bodies in the jury is better than no jury at all. At least it looks better than empty seats. Let’s face the facts for a change. Do we want a jury of malcontents playing with their cell phones or a jury of frightened immigrants intent on making it in a new culture?”
The senator went on to say that she favors trading deadbeat Americans for motivated immigrants any day of the week.
“Many Americans have lost sight of what made the country in the first place. They think they are owed something for nothing,” she explained. “I assure you,” she smiled, “immigrants do not fall into this category. The continued rise in no-shows has the legal community baffled. Despite threats of fines and even jail time many of us see jury duty as inconvenience rather than a right and responsibility. If you were on trial wouldn’t you want a jury of attentive and motivated peers?” she asked.
Often prospective jurors see a loss of income this justice for all business. Although employees are generally compensated the self-employed are not. Contrary to most current theories the unemployed often see jury duty as a chance to get out and do something. They see the stipend as a way to buy lunch for the day. It appears to boil down to a lackl
uster populace shirking its duty while new arrivals are anxious to prove their worth.
Meanwhile critics, who offer no other viable solution to the void, continue to paint a picture of ethnic and cultural chaos if aliens are brought into the courtroom at this capacity. They fear that the definitions applied here might invite participation by far more exotic and bizarre aliens from other planets, stars and galaxies yet to be discovered.
“Imagine a jury made up of people from Mexico and Mars!” said a representative from Arizona, knuckles one with the pavement. “We don’t like it. We prefer to ignore the problems and embrace fairy tale endings on social issues.”
One particularly vocal senator slammed the negative impacts of floundering while the system caves in from its own imbalances.
“I’ve seen every episode of Star Trek 15 times and have read the Martian Chronicles twice,” he said. “My brother was involved in the Apollo Mission from the outset and my dad was big into telescopes and experimental kites back in the Fifties. We should begin looking at all these alien types as resources and not threats. I myself have had numerous brushes with astral travel so don’t get cosmic with me in this chamber!”
– Sergio Jingles
Evolution halted say genetic researchers
(Darwin) Scientists operating on Colorado’s Front Range claim to have chronicled the termination of evolution in some humans. The process, which was well on its way before the beginning of the project, is now concluded, leaving the species “hanging in mid-air” according to painstakingly collected data.
“No one will notice that growth has ceased, at least for now,” said Archibald Cliffe, author of an assortment of works (Lemmings of the 21st Century and Foreheads I Have Known) that suggest that even forgotten organisms are in constant change. “In a few years the static nature of humans will become apparent, even to non-believers.”
Cliffe told The Horseshoe that people who adhere to other “leisure” theories as to the nature of man would be the first to experience the lack of growth. He said that most have stopped evolving altogether and have “remained in the semi-Neanderthal state of denial while the world flies by.
“The concept of evolution does not conflict with theories of genetics or even spirituality,” added Cliffe. “but we are convinced that people who fail to grasp the changes around them are doomed not to evolve. There are a multitude of cases that indicate this stagnation. We have observed the erratic behavior common to the Front Range of Colorado since 1970 and, while factoring in the effects of overpopulation and air pollution; we can clearly see the arrest of development.”
Others working with Cliffe have expressed concern regarding his evolution as well. They feel that too many hours in a biology laboratory may have negative implications.
“Either way we are experiencing a Huxleyesque journey to another brave, new world,” said one fellow scientist, “and it threatens to leave many of the serfs sitting on their thumbs.” – Gabby Haze
Legalized Pot Sees Rise in Violet Crime
Special from your good neighbors over at the Pharmaceutical Industry
(Silverton) The recent legalization of marijuana has spurned a host of criminal activity here and all over the Western Slope according to authorities attending a police seminar in San Juan County. Violet crime being the major concern has shot up 35% with incidents ranging from loitering to singing in the street. Fistfights have not been the norm in front of dispensaries and medical clinics as users resort to friendliness aimed at peaceful passersby even in daylight hours.
“The place has turned to total anarchy and revolting chaos with standup citizens unable to sit down or leave their homes for fear of being exposed to resin from the highly addictive drug called marijuana,” said someone.
After just a few brief months authorities are reporting a shortage of brownie and cookie mixes at the groceries. Cigarette papers are also in short supply leaving legitimate, tobacco smokers out on a limb. Prices for a VW Micro-Van have gone through the pop-up roof. Incense is all but impossible to find and Hendrix vinyl is selling well. Tibetan prayer flags are all but impossible to acquire locally anymore. And it’s getting uglier.
Perhaps the most indicting behavior came last week as thousands rioted over an interruption in the Oreo cookie supply. Sales have recently skyrocketed and suppliers have been overtaxed by demand. The disturbances, centered at a major Oreo Factory in Wimpton Shores left 13 people fed and another 200 hindered.
“And what would Colorado do if they ran out of pot and they gad to deal with dope fiends in the street?” asked a woman aglow from combined segments of Faux News.
And if that’s not bad enough, smuggling has reared its ugly head while Colorado officials turn a blind eye, preferring to focus on tax coffers that are just now beginning to expand. Utah, Nebraska and Wyoming have already fortified their state borders in an attempt to turn back the evil tide of cannabis-fueled crime. Kansas has petitioned the federal government to intercede in the form of millions of dollars of worthless thank you tickets from the burned out War on Slugs. Many fear the foul-smelling herb will get into the water supply.
Meanwhile long lines remain at pharmacies all over this great land as more and more Americans become addicted to legal drugs that, although presented in neat, beautiful colors, are both often harmful and expensive.
“These legal drug addicts damn sure should not be driving a car,” said one marijuana smoker.
Ramped up crime, bacchanal, violets and general chaos have been the tragic rule here in the Rockies since the grand communist marijuana experiment took hold on January 1. Colorado, already a popular laid back destination, is now seen by many in the travel industry as the perfect “alternative” destination for many clients, taxing our borders and threatening our Oreo reserves.
“With all the marijuana violets in the street it’s virtually impossible for me to get to the pharmacy for my legal fix,” said one citizen. “I’d take public transportation but all those people are socialists and probably high as a kite to boot.”
Footnote #1: Marijuana: A foreign and frightening name, marijuana, created by William Randolph Hearst and his henchmen in an attempt to scare Americans about Mexican drug encroachments while they eyeballed Cuba and instigated the Spanish-American War.
Footnote # 2: Marijuana Reference: Pancho Villa’s revolutionary seizure of forests owned by W.R. Hearst in Mexico, the association of cannabis (hemp was a competitor) and abnormal behavior as part of the entry drug domino theory advanced by the Yellow Journalists and gobbled up by the simple-hearted public.
Crested Butte Extends Liquor Licenses
(Gothic) In an attempt to relieve the tight housing crunch, the Town of Crested Butte has issued 24-hour liquor licenses to many wet establishments here. The move is aimed at giving the houseless a place to spend the night.
“Let’s not confuse the houseless with the homeless,” said Darci Vega, originator of the controversial plan. “These local poor souls are simply inconvenienced for the time being and will probably find accommodations in a few weeks while the homeless are those other people who are not affected by seasonal considerations.”
The plan is expected to increase the tax base significantly while keeping folks off the streets on cold nights.
“Some people never knew when to go home before,” said Bill Dickerson, former Mt. C.B. burgermeister and recent proprietor of the Talk of the Town pub. “With the new proposal that decision has been made much easier for them. We support the idea, even though we’ve been forced to put on another shift. You just haven’t lived until you watch a customer scarf down a chili dog with his corn flakes at 6 o’clock in the morning.”
– Mel Toole
IRS TARGETS ALUMINUM CAN COLLECTORS
(Washington) The Internal Revenue Service is concerned with aluminum cans. Actually it is more concerned with the evasive tendencies of those engaged in the gathering of these treasures, alleging that the government has not been cut in on the action.
“These criminals are not paying their fair share on the profits generated in this lucrative exchange,” said Otto B. Broke of the IRS. “We only want what’s coming to us.”
Broke assured us that his agency had already taken steps to insure that this behavior would cease and that these tax dodgers would be brought to justice.
“Even if we have to post an agent at every dumpster in every town in America, we will nip this conspiracy in the bud,” he insisted.
A new federal tax form, number 1199, has been issued and persons who fail to file a return and comply with the newest regulations could be deported. Broke said the country is losing over $600 per aluminum can operation per annum and added that there may be as many as 4 million Americans engaged in this dumpster-diving trade.
“We even had a case where one aluminum enthusiast attempted to write off his shabby clothing as a uniform, declared his cardboard shack to be his office and claimed each individual can as a dependent”, laughed Broke.
“The guy was so shifty, so creative that we hired him and he now works for us! There are criminals everywhere blending in with the peasant population. Don’t these people realize that we need their mandatory fiscal contributions to keep the country running smoothly?” -Kashmir Horseshoe
LIFT TICKETS REPLACED BY TATOOS
(Crested Butte) In keeping with a pledge to save paper and aluminum, CBMR will replace the traditional lift ticket with a tattoo next year. According to a marketing source, the actual substitution will come in the form of designated tattoos and/or a combination of the marks.
People who buy a Gold Pass will receive a gold tattoo designed to last through the April closing date. This tattoo will allow them to board lifts on any date during the season. Persons purchasing a Silver Pass will likewise receive a silver tattoo which slightly limits access to the mountain. The Bronze Pass will be replaced by a bronze tattoo, in keeping with corporate uniformity.
Single and multiple day skiers will receive a temporary “I Actually paid full price” tattoo on the arm or leg when they arrive to ski. Designs likely to be popular include the ever-popular “Mom”, the multi-colored butterfly, “Hell’s Angels-Frisco”, GAP, the Coors Lite logo, the marijuana leaf, the Denver Broncos or various military insignias.
Tattoos on the posterior will not be accepted for lift access on holiday weekends or during spring break.
“Move over Free Skiing!” exclaimed the CBMR source. “Once again we find ourselves as the prototype of skiing in the 21st Century. Just wait until Aspen and Vail find out what we’re up to. They’ll shit a brick.”
Although sources here admit that things could get chaotic at first, they feel the new system has many merits. Beginning in June, several hundred tattoo artists from 17 states and 12 foreign countries will attend a week of seminars aimed a facilitating the move. Then, in July lift operators will undergo two weeks of concentrated instruction on the ancient art of tattooing. They will then prick and ingrain their co-workers with an assortment of tattoos ranging from lift op to ski patrol to food service.
By August most employees will be tattooed and the slope faithful will be scheduled, not for pass photos, but for seasonal tattoos of their own.
“We are certain the idea will fly,” said the source. “The tattoos will no doubt become status symbols and if the snow is scarce, one can still show off his or her design in the bars or on some faraway Caribbean beach.”
-Dude Skuldiver
—APOLOGY—
Last month the San Juan Horseshoe incorrectly reported that residents of Crested Butte, Lake Irwin, Gothic and Jack’s Cabin could receive their annual giardia shots at Crested Butte Veterinary Clinic on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 am till noon on March 6. The release should have read Mondays and Tuesdays through March 13. Sorry for any inconvenience. The baby journalist who filed the story has been fired, her ancestral home at Meridian Lake burned to the ground. Patients are again reminded to shun alcoholic beverages for at least three weeks prior to subjecting themselves to this litigious and experimental witchcraft. Residents of Mt. Crested Butte, CB South, Rosebud Gulch, Pittsburg and Elkton can procure giardia shots for a nominal fee at any of the St. Roscoe clinics in the Upper Gunnison Valley. These lucky few are not required to avoid alcohol in any form, in fact they are encouraged to drink large quantities of the stuff prior to the immunization. More on this when it becomes available.
