(Darwin) Scientists operating on Colorado’s Front Range claim to have chronicled the termination of evolution in some humans. The process, which was well on its way before the beginning of the project, is now concluded, leaving the species “hanging in mid-air” according to painstakingly collected data.

“No one will notice that growth has ceased, at least for now,” said Archibald Cliffe, author of an assortment of works (Lemmings of the 21st Century and Foreheads I Have Known) that suggest that even forgotten organisms are in constant change. “In a few years the static nature of humans will become apparent, even to non-believers.”

Cliffe told The Horseshoe that people who adhere to other “leisure” theories as to the nature of man would be the first to experience the lack of growth. He said that most have stopped evolving altogether and have “remained in the semi-Neanderthal state of denial while the world flies by.

“The concept of evolution does not conflict with theories of genetics or even spirituality,” added Cliffe. “but we are convinced that people who fail to grasp the changes around them are doomed not to evolve. There are a multitude of cases that indicate this stagnation. We have observed the erratic behavior common to the Front Range of Colorado since 1970 and, while factoring in the effects of overpopulation and air pollution; we can clearly see the arrest of development.”

Others working with Cliffe have expressed concern regarding his evolution as well. They feel that too many hours in a biology laboratory may have negative implications.

“Either way we are experiencing a Huxleyesque journey to another brave, new world,” said one fellow scientist, “and it threatens to leave many of the serfs sitting on their thumbs.” – Gabby Haze 

Legalized Pot Sees Rise in Violet Crime

Special from your good neighbors over at the Pharmaceutical Industry

(Silverton) The recent legalization of marijuana has spurned a host of criminal activity here and all over the Western Slope according to authorities attending a police seminar in San Juan County. Violet crime being the major concern has shot up 35% with incidents ranging from loitering to singing in the street. Fistfights have not been the norm in front of dispensaries and medical clinics as users resort to friendliness aimed at peaceful passersby even in daylight hours.

“The place has turned to total anarchy and revolting chaos with standup citizens unable to sit down or leave their homes for fear of being exposed to resin from the highly addictive drug called marijuana,” said someone.

After just a few brief months authorities are reporting a shortage of brownie and cookie mixes at the groceries. Cigarette papers are also in short supply leaving legitimate, tobacco smokers out on a limb. Prices for a VW Micro-Van have gone through the pop-up roof. Incense is all but impossible to find and Hendrix vinyl is selling well. Tibetan prayer flags are all but impossible to acquire locally anymore. And it’s getting uglier.

Perhaps the most indicting behavior came last week as thousands rioted over an interruption in the Oreo cookie supply. Sales have recently skyrocketed and suppliers have been overtaxed by demand. The disturbances, centered at a major Oreo Factory in Wimpton Shores left 13 people fed and another 200 hindered.

“And what would Colorado do if they ran out of pot and they gad to deal with dope fiends in the street?” asked a woman aglow from combined segments of Faux News.

And if that’s not bad enough, smuggling has reared its ugly head while Colorado officials turn a blind eye, preferring to focus on tax coffers that are just now beginning to expand. Utah, Nebraska and Wyoming have already fortified their state borders in an attempt to turn back the evil tide of cannabis-fueled crime. Kansas has petitioned the federal government to intercede in the form of millions of dollars of worthless thank you tickets from the burned out War on Slugs. Many fear the foul-smelling herb will get into the water supply.

Meanwhile long lines remain at pharmacies all over this great land as more and more Americans become addicted to legal drugs that, although presented in neat, beautiful colors, are both often harmful and expensive.

“These legal drug addicts damn sure should not be driving a car,” said one marijuana smoker.

Ramped up crime, bacchanal, violets and general chaos have been the tragic rule here in the Rockies since the grand communist marijuana experiment took hold on January 1. Colorado, already a popular laid back destination, is now seen by many in the travel industry as the perfect “alternative” destination for many clients, taxing our borders and threatening our Oreo reserves.

“With all the marijuana violets in the street it’s virtually impossible for me to get to the pharmacy for my legal fix,” said one citizen. “I’d take public transportation but all those people are socialists and probably high as a kite to boot.”

Footnote #1: Marijuana: A foreign and frightening name, marijuana, created by William Randolph Hearst and his henchmen in an attempt to scare Americans about Mexican drug encroachments while they eyeballed Cuba and instigated the Spanish-American War. 

Footnote # 2: Marijuana Reference: Pancho Villa’s revolutionary seizure of forests owned by W.R. Hearst in Mexico, the association of cannabis (hemp was a competitor) and abnormal behavior as part of the entry drug domino theory advanced by the Yellow Journalists and gobbled up by the simple-hearted public.