(Puerto Escondido) The Mexican government has announced the purchase of Amtrak effective May 1. The deal was consummated sometime early this morning when nobody was awake yet. Negotiations have been going on since the weekend regarding the transfer of the railroad.

“The North American Free Trade Agreement has paved the way for this and other acquisitions by our neighbors to the south,” said an Obama Administration spokesperson.

The new owners of Amtrak have promised to fire most employees of the railroad and clean the bathrooms at least once a month. The train attendants are being released due to a pattern of rudeness, and the question of filthy bathrooms is being undressed due to basic interstate health codes.

“I remember when taking the train was a wonderful experience,” said Olivia Heartburne of Helper, Utah. “Now, due in part to a bad attitude displayed by Amtrak employees and absolutely no adherence to timetables, it is barely a step up from the bus.”

Depending on the general reception of its initial programs Mexitrak may invest millions in revamping abandoned railroad lines and laying track in remote regions from Maine to California.

“Someday I will be able to visit my boyfriend Willy all the way over in Colona without so much as hitchin’ up the Clydesdales,” added Heartburne. “Won’t that be something!”

Editor’s Note: The once popular practice of tying innocent maidens to railroad tracks prior to the arrival of the charging freight train has severely diminished around these parts since the Denver-Rio Grande pulled most of its tracks out of the Uncompahgre Valley in 1975. Classical villains and sunny day wretches, often dressed in black, enjoyed this recreational outlet and usually were successful in exhorting funds from worried relatives or favors from frightened fillies. Others did it just for the pure joy of it all. It is this group that we will examine in our next segment of Rocky Mountain Mammaries located somewhere in this paper.    

 -Uncle Pahgre


Filed Under: Hard News


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