All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

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SPARTAN PICNICS…HOW TO EAT ANYTHING THIS SUMMER
Digestive tips and culinary shortcuts on everything from fleas to 747s
Miramonte Crawfish Bisque Festival Sold Out
PROFITS WILL GO TOWARD NORWOOD HILL GONDOLA
Doggie Vacations Even a Mutt Can Afford
Plus Expose ’99: The new line of chew toys is here!
BOOM VOYAGE – Day Trips for the Timid
AND
Dead Presidents Weigh In on Clinton’s Integrity
A FUZZY PICTORIAL ACCOUNT
The History on Moonshining in Ouray County
Celebrities Incognito through October
MAKING SENSE OF SLOTH ATTACKS
PLUS ONE WHOLE LOT MORE TO EAT, DRINK, ROLL IN,
FALL FROM AND BE AFRAID TO APPROACH.
Pick up your very own copy where opinions are laundered.

People Age, Exhibit Common Traits

(Science of Science – Montrose, Colorado – January 10, 2015)

     Most people are growing older according to a study recently conducted by a national internment service. The results, though hardly surprising, represent the first cross-section data collected on the subject.
That everyone gets the same going away party in the end is an often unmentioned quagmire that doles out equality without prejudice toward race, color, creed or sexual origin/preference.
“We found that in every case the participants were getting older on an annual basis,” shared one pollster. “Some continue to lie about their age as if that might somehow defer their cosmic curtain call.”
Indications are that young people spend a great deal of time trying to look older while older people almost spend the same amount of time trying to look younger. Researchers likened the behavior to that of Asian women covering their faces in the sun while snow white Europeans don coconut oil on chase lounges trying to bring a little color back to Paris.
One man, who said he had forgotten his name, told The Horseshoe, “I’m 87 years old and I don’t worry about this kind of thing. Death is the one thing we don’t have to keep track of. It will come find you when the time
Arrives.” – Ripple Van Winkle

“Frankly I’m a little bit pissed off at the masses.” – Karl Marx

Prostitutes Must Declare Gratuity

The Internal Revenue Service has put its foot down in the red light district. As of January, prostitutes working within the confines of the United States must declare tips if they wish to remain in compliance with the law.
The changes on the part of the taxing establishment sent shock waves through the underworld just as many sex workers were getting off the night shift Tuesday morning.
Many persons engaged in the illegal profession were visibly upset over the decision saying the IRS had once again overstepped itself, this time in a pair of racy stilettos. Calling the move an invasion of privacy many hookers say the government should look inward for lucrative sources of earnings.
“Why doesn’t the IRS clamp down on Congress and Wall Street where the big, fat whores reside,” asked a streetwalker who says she has not filed a tax return since 1995 when she quit her job as a social worker.
“These people should be made to declare bribes and gifts from lobbyists,” she said. “They all talk out of two or three sides of their mouths. Many of the pseudo-Christians are our best customers.”
The IRS has not wavered on this new fundraising scheme saying it is for the common good. Most civilized countries in the world allow prostitution within certain parameters and treat the social ill as a disease and not a felony. The victims are plentiful and the oldest profession is thriving.
“We just want to protect all of our citizens in this Puritan, 3.2 society that we have created here. After all, negotiating with money under the table can result in a terrible headache.” – Estelle Marmotbreath

Ladies of the Evening Protest “IRS Intrusion” on Livlihood

Ladies not happy about IRS ruling

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

Here’s the good news first: The federal government does not work on weekends. Imagine the fiscal state of this country if it performed its duties round the clock. Here’s the bad news: Most of you have already missed the Heeney (Colorado) Tick Festival which was held on July 12. There are some things in this life that you can do something about. Call the Heeney Chamber of Commerce and make reservations for 2016.

LETTERS TO THE PEA GREEN ANSWER MAN

Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
What would happen if an irresistible force met an immovable object?
Polly Pureheart
Ridgway

Dear Polly,
This question presupposes impossible conditions, according to all known laws of matter and energy. The terms irresistible force and immovable object are mutually exclusive. If a force is irresistible, it will move any object in its path; or, in other words, there can be no immovable object in respect to an irresistible force. On the other hand, if an object is immovable, no force can move it; which is another way of saying that there is no irresistible force in respect to an immovable object. Since the existence of the two conditions cannot take place at the same time, it is impossible to say what would happen if they did exist. The question is reduced to an absurdity by a careful definition of the terms. You cannot conceive of an irresistible force meeting an immovable object any more than you can conceive of two men, each one taller than the other.
Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
When did the United States Government use camels for military purposes?
Prince Fizzle
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Dear Prince,
Before the Civil War, the Federal Government attempted to introduce camels into the United States for use on “the great American desert.” It was believed that communication across the continent could be greatly facilitated by the use of camels, which could carry heavier loads than horses or mules, travel greater distances and go longer without water. The experiment was in charge of the War Department, Jefferson Davis, who was then Secretary of War, being one of the most ardent advocates of the scheme. In 1856 and 1857 two shiploads of camels—seventy-five in all—were imported from Egypt and Asia Minor and landed at Indianola on the coast of Texas. Greek and Turkish camel drivers were brought over from the Near East to drive the animals. A station for the camels was established at Camp Verde, sixty miles west of San Antonio. Tests showed that camels were fitted for work in that region. On one expedition, they crossed Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona to the Colorado, and their behavior was highly commended by the Army officer in charge. The camel experiment failed, however, because of adverse public opinion and because of the outbreak of the Civil War. Some of the camels were sold to circuses or individuals, while the rest were turned at large. For many years some of these “wild camels” were occasionally seen in the mountains of Arizona. Notwithstanding reports to the contrary, it is believed that the animals are now extinct.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
What does biting the thumb at mean?
Fingers Malone
Silverton, CO

Dear Fingers,
Biting the thumb at another was an old method of expressing defiance and contempt with a view of provoking a quarrel. The manner of expressing the insult is explained by Randle Cotgrave in his French-English dictionary, first published in 1611. Under the word nique, signifying a sign of mockery or contempt, Cotgrave says biting the thumb at means “to threaten or defy by putting the thumbed nail into the mouth and with a jerk (from the upper teeth) make it to knack.” During the gesture, the eyes were fixed on the person at whom the insult was aimed. In Shakespeare’s day, it was a regular practice among the young swashbucklers of London to start quarrels by biting their thumbs at rival factions as they strolled on St. Paul’s Walk. It was a disgrace to let such an insult pass unnoticed. In Romeo and Juliet the great dramatist makes Sampson say, “I will bite my thumb at them; which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.” If the person thus insulted had a drop of honor in his blood, a duel or battle resulted, such as was often fought on the streets of fair Verona between the households of Montague and Capulet.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man,
How often is the White House painted?
Sarah P.
East Dakota

Dear Sarah
It is customary for the Government to have the exterior of the White House painted every second year. Many people erroneously suppose that the building is whitewashed. The paint used is composed of white lead, linseed oil, and turpentine. Two coats are applied. Before any paint is put on, the surface is brushed with steel brushes and then sandpapered and dusted to remove all loose and weathered paint, dirt and other deposits of foreign matter. No application of paint is made until the surface is thoroughly dry. The paint used for the first coat is made by breaking up one hundred pounds of pure white lead of the best quality in about three and a half gallons of thinner composed of equal parts of pure linseed oil and turpentine. For the second coat one hundred pounds of white lead is broken up in three and a half gallons of pure linseed oil to which one pint of turpentine is added.
Pea Green Answer Man