All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

Land Trust Acquires Red Barn

(Montrose – Special from Vacant Lot Magazine – July 10, 2015)

The all-powerful Land Trust has purchased the now shuttered Red Barn Restaurant building on East Main here. Opened in 1967 it was the center of the town’s social heart.
Over 100 trees will be planted on the property surrounding the structure creating al natural plaza complete a small fountain and gold fishpond. The interior will house a museum dedicated to preserving treasures, junk and memories.
Losing a centerpiece like this hurts culturally as well as fiscally,” said Melvin Rothtoole, shade tree owner of all of the banks in the city. “First it was Hadley’s then the Arcadia Park followed by the DeJulio’s, Chipeta and the No Delay. The Larriat Lounge bit the bullet soon after as did Stockmen’s. And now this?”
Rothtoole declined to comment when asked where he bent his elbow these days saying that he often enjoyed lunch and a day game at the R & R
“Never mind about my routine. I don’t need the police farce hanging out waiting for me in the parking lot,” he smiled.
The museum will be free with a story (hard luck accepted). It’s mission statement, borrowed directly from the Red Barn’s posture and way of thinking, is to create loud fun, the kind of thoughtless mirth and joyous laughter missing in most of society today. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“If you’re gonna make an omelet you gotta break some legs.”
– Mario Echabarron, personal behavior specialist

Counties agree to cover mag-chloride damage

(Our Chemical Times – July 10, 2015)

Many Western Colorado counties, acknowledging the idiocy of spraying magnesium-chloride on dirt roads this summer, have agreed to pay motorists for detrimental effects to their vehicles.
They do so begrudgingly saying that they were only following orders.
The victims, whose cars and trucks not so slowly rot out from exposure to the chemical, can apply for the payouts in the appropriate county offices before October 1 to receive compensation. Despite countless washings and expensive treatments many never fully recover, the money might help ease the pain.
Magnesium-chloride is applied primarily to combat dust (and snow in the winter months). It has been proven effective in controlling these terrible evils that were once considered just part of living in Colorado. The chemical also kills flora and fauna along the highways. Other dangers, respiratory as well as dermatological, have yet to be determined.
“We think a mag-chloride salesmen made a fortune around here,” said one Log Hill Mesa man whose vehicles have been harmed several times over the past two years. And, of course, now that the counties have bought the stuff they have to use it or look foolish.”
Spreading, dropping, spraying, dislodging, planting and/or applying untested chemicals on the planet has never been a good idea according to scientists who called the chemical a potentially lethal one.
“That’s poppycock, said a spokesman for Summit County, where mag-chloride has graced highways for years. “Magnesium-chloride is no more dangerous than eating genetically modified foods from our friends over at Monsanto.”
Unlike the petroleum companies, the mag-chloride lobby is fledgling and does not have the power to whitewash disasters or negate accusations, yet. Although not one spill has occurred, even they admit that it’s early in the game. – Ripple Van Winkle

Maginot Line Will Tour Colorado in July

From You’re Only Ancient History – July 10, 2015

(Crested Butte) The legendary Maginot Line, thought to be impregnable by French forces prior to 1940, will visit this former coal-mining giant as part of a summer spectacular journey through the Rockies.
Joining the Maginot Line will be the upstart Siegfried Line, or West Wall as well as the stumblebum Hindenburg Line, a German forward defensive position built in 1916-1917 near Soissons on the Aisne.
What the three lines have in common is that none actually kept anyone out. The Maginot was flanked, the Siegfried deserted in the face of victories and the Hindenburg, despite spotty fighting, was lost to the Armistice signed in 1919.
Perhaps what continues to delight war historians is the failure of the Maginot Line, which proved worthless when the Germans simply took a shortcut through Belgium, going around the lavish defenses and marching on to Vichy Paradise.
Despite its link to the nation’s most devastating defeat in history the line still evokes a certain pride, a subtle patriotism. Discovered in a Paris garbage heap the Maginot Line in 1946 the landmark was cleaned up and put back together from pre-World War II maps and graphs. Its accompanying military fortifications Siegfried and Hindenburg have always been maintained and had only to be collected and shipped (pillboxes and all) to New York where the U.S. tour originates.
“The real draw here remains the Maginot,” said Entraylea Maginot, great-granddaughter of Andre Maginot the namesake of the inglorious ditch. “That’s what the people come out to see. It cost 3 billion francs just for the carpeting!”
The older Maginot, who, fortunately for his honor, passed on some eight years before the line’s ineffectiveness was brought to light by German generals in 1940, did not know either of the other lines. It is expected that they will all get along during the travels.
The Colorado Division of Enforcement and Tourism hopes that the inclusion of the tours and the sale of legal marijuana will increase tourism by 30% this summer. – Bambi Bumble

Simpson mug to don voting booths

(Cosmetics and Gulches — Montrose, Colorado – July 10, 2015)

The halting, yet familiar face of cartoon celebrity Homer Simpson will grace all official voting booths in 2016. Simpson, who best exemplifies the mindless pursuit of the 21st Century carrot, often casts his ballot based on hearsay, rumors and billboards that he reads on the way to work.
“He’s a big fan of talk radio too and even catches a few the TV news unless he doses off on the couch instead,” said his wife Marge. This is the biggest thing that’s every happened to anyone in our family.”
Analysts feel that Homer Simpson could be the new poster child for the new peasantry and the American Oligarchy.
“He’s not real bright,” said one political behaviorist “is afraid of what he doesn’t understand and can be easily manipulated. His decision making capabilities, conversation level, and me-first attitude, along with well-documented immaturity and a seriously undeveloped personality make him the perfect choice.”
Simpson narrowly beat out Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton for the honor.
“Now all that’s left is to choose the colors for the booths. I expect we’ll go with yellow and blue, with big red swollen eyes and an intruding beer belly,” said a brainchild of the decorations. “We want all the booths to be uniform and all the voters to look alike. If that isn’t democracy I don’t know what is.” – Ripple Van Winkle

Philae’s Comet May Support Alien Life

(Mother Earth – Paradise Lost – July 10, 2015)

Astro-biologists confirm preliminary indications that living microbes are thriving on an unnamed comet visited by Philae’s probe last week. The organisms become more active as the comet nears the sun, warming the immediate atmosphere and encouraging the aliens to kick out the jams.
“This pretty much knocks the hell out of previously accepted metaphysical explanations for our origins and destinations in a celestial sense,” said Charley Chimpe, veteran space traveler who flunked Astrology 101 in his freshman year at Police State.
Philae is expected to make another rendezvous with the microbes next month in hopes of establishing primitive dialogue. Pentagon officials made incidental contact earlier in 2015 in an attempt to facilitate possible weapons purchases in the near future. – Marianne Marvelous

U-KLEEN-IT Motels Eyeball San Juans

(From The Palmer Street Journal -Downtown Delta –July 10, 2015)

A new approach, aimed at relieving the daily pressures of the hospitality industry, may be on the horizon in Western Colorado with the opening of some sixteen self-housekeeping lodges.
U-Kleenits allow the patron the option of cleaning his room, changing the sheets, scrubbing the bano and vacuuming so as to receive a discount of up to 35% from the management.
Custodo-Lounge Corporation, founders of U-Kleenit, which boasts three new enterprises in Northwest Colorado already this year, is reportedly taking preliminary steps to open a new facility here.
Custodo is the nation’s largest manufacturer of organic janitorial supplies. Its fine hosiery division did well over $125 million in 2014. U-Kleenits have already transformed the hotel-motel industry and are expected to take Western Colorado by storm come springtime.
The concept appears to be tailor-made for the bed and breakfast set but local innkeepers say the idea will never fly.
“People are too lazy. People are too sloppy. People can’t do the math,” said the six-star proprietor of Snyder Arms and Roadhouse, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“How can we expect these guests to make the beds when they won’t even do the breakfast dishes?” said Mary Waffle who operates a bed and breakfast locally. “Pigs.”
The idea is simple: Each guest checks into his reasonably clean room in the evening and in the morning he gives the place a serious once-over. If the place needs a maid he pays full price but if it looks good enough he can expect a discount.
“We’ve had a lot of trouble with the bathrooms, winced Belle Toole, Executive Executive Director of Custodo-Lounge. “It seems that people don’t mind taking out the trash or sweeping the floor but nobody wants to scour the ceramic, if you catch my drift.”
Toole leveled with reporters saying that they expected no new conflicts with state and local health officials.
“We have fine repartee,” said Toole, inspecting a room. “If they present a problem we just offer them a free room and they generally go away.”
– Uncle Pahgre