All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE
Are you as tired as we are of lame fruitcake scenarios? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:
1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems
2. Spongy, edible lifts for shoes
3. Decorative moss fireplace grout
4. Trail tofu for herd animals
5. Backup house trailer skirting
6. Windshield scraper/breakfast bars
7. Candied stick deodorant
8. Sure-grip roofing supplement for safe snow removal
9. Tear-away political platforms
10. Astroturf
11. A backup center for the Denver Nuggets
12. Dog house insulation
13. Congressional dart boards
14. Leak-proof chinking material
15. Canvasses for bad western artists
16. Jigsaw puzzles
17. Patching for the ozone
18. Square frisbees
19. U.S. Constitution grips
20. Succulent decoupage
-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath (Leftover Fritcake in her own right)
Pleasure Boats banned from treatment plant
(Ouray) The City of Ouray announced that recreational craft larger than 40 feet in length would be restricted from cruising the Lake Ouray Water Treatment Plant north of town. Citing past recklessness and a slew of safety violations as the cause for the prohibition, the town has no plan to submerge new slips until spring.
Saying that the plant was never meant for pleasure boats or recreation, a municipal source suggested that the prevalence of seasonal aromas as well as the close proximity to Ridgway Reservoir factored in on the final decision. Our source then invited reporters up to the poop deck to get a better look at the logistics that remain a sensitive point with both sides in this long awaited confrontation.
Splinter groups loosely aligned with Pitchfork Party militias have threatened “to sabotage water projects in the county until someone stops to smell the roses.” – Manuel Flushe
Cheney denied auto loan in 1969
(Montrose – December 27, 2014) Former Vice President and war criminal, Dick Cheney, was turned down for an automobile loan by a Montrose bank in 1969. According to unreliable sources, Cheney applied for the loan while a student at the University of Wisconsin and working a summer job on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
A copy of the original document stamped “unapproved” surfaced last month while the Who’s on First National Bank was relocating from the historic downtown to the strip mall ambience of South Townsend Avenue. The reasons listed for the rejection included Cheney’s spotty employment record and his association with criminals such as Richard Nixon and Spiro T. Agnew, who would later be indicted for a series of crimes against the American people.
Cheney was then forced to take a bus back to Madison. While on that stunning journey, he met Karl Rove and, despite being denied for an auto loan before, loans were never an issue again.
“Think of what may have gone down had we loaned Dick the money,” said a now retired loan officer who demanded animosity. “Why he might have settled down in Montrose and gone into local politics.”
– Uncle Pahgre
A Shot of Holiday Schnapps…
Santa Pledges to Modify Guilt Trips in 2015
(Montrose North Pole – Dec 27, 2014)
In closing up shop for yet another Yuletide, the jolly old elf reflected on Christmases gone by and those yet to come. Overwhelmed with emotion he bid a tearful goodbye to several retiring reindeer and elves and promised to make Christmas 2015 the best ever!
“One category that needs help is the persistent guilt related to the naughty or nice restrictions that have been firmly in place since the turn of the last century.
“These Victorian principles of trust and honor have no place in out modern world of baggy boxers, aging baby boomers, boneland security and video game massacres,” said Santa. “If we are going to keep pace with this whirlwind world we must adjust our parameters and see that our traditions continue to reflect a meaningful experience for all. Within this framework we must never revert or retreat from our stated goal – which is happy children all over the world!”
In closing Santa reiterated his views adding that he will simply leave the guilt trips up to the churches, television and government, three failing institutions that create fear within the population.
“These entities are performing quite crisply and do not need any help from our sector at this time,” he said. “Negative is contagious. Most people are guilty enough and afraid of a bundle of superficial bugaboos. Anyone laying guilt trips on my elves or reindeer will be cut off from the gifts parade in 2015.” – Tommy Middlefinger
Senate to House Homeless over Holidays
(Washington – December 2014) The United States Senate chambers, empty due to another Congressional Recess over the holidays, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with you and your country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope.”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us.”
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US
Fowl-Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
(Post Christmas Uproar! Holiday Schnapps! Ridgway, Colorado – December 27 2014)
Mangy elves, bored and idled by the passing of Christmas, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.
Elmer Fudd Fathered My Child!
By Muffy Hollandaise – San Juan Horseshoe – December 27, 2014
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One Saturday morning I was nursing a hangover that might have measured 160 on the Richter scale when all of a sudden he was in my living room. The Bugs Bunny Show had always seemed real to life for me but this was magnified 1000 times! He looked quite a bit taller than on TV and I was impressed with the way he carried himself. After a Bloody Mary or two we were friends.
But as it is with all men — he was out for one thing and one thing only! Yes, it’s true I was born at night but not last night. Star or not I stopped him short. At least I think I did – and disappointed with my lack of passionate response he disappeared back through my television screen.
Nine months later another Elmer Fudd look-alike appeared on the scene after a costly hospital bill. Paternal suits are one thing but no one believes me. Surely Elmer Sr. (I named the baby after his father) has the money to help me out.
Avoid these pitfalls by reading sanjuanhorseshoe.com and find out what you can do to protect yourself from undesirable acquaintances, annoying pen pals, jerkwater solicitations and unwanted advances from cartoon characters out on the make. When our readers are molested in any way we are quick to send a team of mad, burly advisors to the perpetrator’s front door for a chat.
It’s all included in the package. Control the senseless verbiage that enters your brain and you’ll be chanting, “If I could read, I’d read the San Juan Horseshoe” too. If Muffy had been paying attention she’d be out roller-skating in the desert instead of staying home breast-feeding a needy cartoon.
