All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
The Hordes’ Prayer
Our bother
Who art in Denver
Shallow be your feign
Your desert comes,
Our water gone
In Gunnison as it is in Aurora.
Give us this day our waterbeds
And forgive us our consumer excesses
As we forgive those who claim our resources
And lead us not into taxation
World without television
AM.
Colona Airport Dome Big Mistake
(Billy Creek — December 27, 2015) The madcap plan to construct a massive dome over the expanded international airport is reckless, wasteful and rather pompous. It is also stupid. While we can appreciate the creativity of impetuous parties in Region Zen, the project should be left where it is right now: On a very warped drawing board.
If you listen to the public relations cadre, you would come to believe that the dome would be an incredible asset, one that would certainly dictate a building boom and link Colona with the lucrative ski dollars currently just out of reach.
“We think first impressions are everything,” said Margot Rottweiler, Executive Director of the Colona Alona Committee. “It is important that we keep our visitors cool in the summer and warm in the winter.”
We like the idea that over 300 starving artists from the area could share in the spoils due to the almost three vertical miles of murals planned for the airport. After that feat is accomplished another 10,000 square feet of white space remains inside and outside the dome. The ladders and paint has already been ordered and the committee is quietly compiling the final invitations.
“We considered selling banner advertising on the dome itself but decided to go with an esoteric approach instead,” continued Rottweiler. “Imagine a Redman Chewing Tobacco ad on a red-eye flight from the Bay Area.”
It gets sillier. Built to take full advantage of solar power, the proposed amenity calls for over 50 woodstoves to heat the place at night. It is surmised that this will create jobs for lumber mills and woodcutters from as far way as Pea Green and beyond. Currently there are no wood burning limitations, homeowners associations or government in Colona…just a lot of chickens and elk, and an occasional prowling mountain lion.
“We can’t have our visiting skiers sitting outside on benches where they would certainly be lunch for a hungry predator,” she gasped. “That’s not the kind of publicity that we want.”
Critics fear that aviation accidents will increase some 98% with the dome. They say that the talk of big profits has clouded the vision of their adversaries. They further argue that money saved on such expenses as runway maintenance and snow removal cannot be brought into balance with the potential for loss of life and worse. Salvage rights have yet to be discussed.
“These throwbacks don’t understand basic physics,” whined Rottweiler. “Every time someone tries to implement a positive idea we get these urban pinheads trying to dictate policy to the entire community. Why don’t they focus on something that they understand like repairing the sidewalks.”
Not only is the Colona Alona Committee a bunch of newcomer, idle, pushy hacks but they are mean. Colona has no sidewalks, a sensitive point to most residents here. – Editor
Believe It or Horseshoe?
Did you know that the famous Swedish astronomer, Tycho Brahe had a nose made of gold? It was a replacement for his own which he lost in a duel with a Danish nobleman in 1566.
Did you know that the Graham Cracker was named after Sylvester Graham, a New England minister? He not only invented the cracker but also published a journal in Boston that took a rabid stand against tea, coffee, featherbeds and women’s corsets.
Are you aware that a Dromedary camel named Jeb is the only desert animal to have ever laughed (and spit) at an outfit worn by the Queen of Sheba, and lived to tell about it?
Did you know that ping-pong is a game created by George Washington to help pass the cold winter nights at Valley Forge? Washington allowed his staff and junior officers access to the green table if they brought their own balls. The best competition occurred among a Hessian fusilier detachment that had deserted to the American cause after the Battle of White Plains. The rest of the tattered army was limited to late night games or a rare opening when Martha came up for the weekend.
Were you aware that there has never been a documented attack by a marmot on a human since 1852? Researchers at the Boyle Institute of Free Thought in Glenwood Springs confirm that the marmot (whistle pig, alpine woodchuck) is a peace-loving vegan who will engage in the attack mode only when someone threatens his mate or insults his national heritage.
Did you know that people who live in southeastern Oklahoma have no eyebrows? Many wear fake eyebrows or pull their hats down to hide their shame. Masks have been employed in more affluent districts. Dermatologists in Dallas tell us that the eyebrows disappeared not long after the adoption of a state license plate slogan calling Oklahoma “Native America” which is a misnomer since not one native American relocated here by choice. A Cherokee curse clearly states that if Oklahoma would simply reassert, “Oklahoma is OK” instead of the reference to the tribes that were brought here, the eyebrows would grow back.
Did you realize that of all the illegal aliens that entered the United States since 2010 only 31% were Martian? The other prominent groups include agricultural workers from Uranus (19%), Neptune (12%) and Pluto (8%). The others (30%) are a mix of economic refugees from Mexico and Central America.
Did you realize that when the Russian Army stops for lunch in Ukraine or Georgia that it takes 3800 pounds of potatoes, 2345 pounds of kielbasa, 1300 gallons of borscht, 3500 gallons of vodka, 2000 tubs of sour cream and one gross of parsley to feed them? – Suzie Compost
Kids! Save all of your Believe It Or Horseshoe columns.
Win friends, amaze teachers and win bar bets when you grow up.
California Admits Faults
Special from the coast – December 27, 2014
In a departure from the flash and the past glitter, California today admitted its faults. In a repentant, unbecoming mood, the state identified both Calaveras and San Andreas Faults as its own.
The Golden State reportedly hopes that by coming out of the closet on this, it can better accept the reality of earthquakes and climate disorders down the road. It is surmised that a higher level of trust might be attained with neighboring states in the event of projected problems all along the Pacific Rim.
Most faults are either planar fractures or a discontinuity in a volume of rock. The displacement occurs along these fractures as a result of earth movement. Earthquake magnitude can be measured by these mega-thrusts, while prediction is often left to seismic scales due to molecular shifts and geological phenomenon active in affected regions.
In a prepared statement a state geotechnical engineer confided to reporters that California is seeking help and is enrolled in primary therapy aimed at identifying and correcting imbalances in the social fiber (faults).
As a gesture of sincerity, California has already agreed to reevaluate standing water agreements with several Rocky Mountain States, embracing conservation this time around. A persistent drought has complicated negotiations, often clouding the issues, resulting in misconceptions as to the priorities of the players.
“We’d like to see a moratorium on new golf courses and swimming pools,” said Colorado Rep Oral Noise, (Unitarian-Pueblo). “A fervent display of progressive ideals such as this might help everyone keep his boat afloat.” – Cowboy Mountain Man
Insulating Yourself from Mr. Winter
Ridgway (Colorado) Extension Release – December 27, 2014
The ancient Sumerians said it best: “It’s never to late to insulate!” Even though we are fully engaged surviving the winter of 2014 there are several more winter weeks ahead in 2015. In addition, the right insulation should help keep your home cooler in the summer, so, without further delay Let’s Get Insulated. Let’s insulate against mean old Mr. Winter.
The first thing to do is to determine which insulation is right for your structure and your lifestyle. There is batt insulation that comes in sections, blanker insulation that comes in rolls and lose-fill insulation that can be blown into ceilings, floors and walls.
Correctly choosing your insulation will help down the road with soundproofing efforts and can be an asset when placing electrical boxes and wires. Refractory materials are used to insulate against higher temperatures in such installations as incinerators and industrial furnaces. They may see temperatures up to 3200 degrees F, which is the temperature on a cloudy day in hell and is considered “damned hot” even to the macho, battle-hardened jacuzzi enthusiast. This is far too hot for the malt and hops routine or the three-minute egg.
Some people enjoy running around inside their homes while naked. While this is not a practice that we will be dissecting for moral purposes, it should be clear that these people would require more insulation than a family that wears coats to breakfast (at least around the windows and doors). Hot drinks and a few minutes at the firewood chopping block can be deterrents to the creeping chill getting the best of you. Take the cat for a walk! A brisk jog or fashion-conscious power walking gets the blood flowing.
Hibernation, while not the healthiest of endeavors, can be an effective way to say “So long Mr. Winter! Stay in the house under a blanket, wear layers of clothing, trap air between inner and outer surfaces or buying storm windows works for most of the recluses around here.
Why do you think all those Arabs war loose-fitting robes out in the desert where it summer temps reach 125 degrees? They aren’t stupid. How many air conditioners does one observe strapped to the hump of a camel or hanging out of the doorway of a Bedouin tent? It’s the same concept employed whether one seeks to keep out hot or cold.
The rule of thumb for the Rockies is that outdoor weather may not be compatible with indoor comfort. If it’s cold in October or November close the damn sliding glass door, or at least make some lame attempt to cover it with a blanket or something. In summer one can reopen the door and achieve relative comfort depending on bugs and noise.
Just try to remember the Five Easy Steps to heat micromanagement: 1.) Cover 2.) Seal 3.) Stockpile 4.) Plan 5.) Clean. Be careful to apply each of these concepts in order so as not to frighten the livestock or even blow up the house.
Here is a further breakdown.
First: Thou shalt cover thy holes and drafts. Before applying insulation see to it that gaping holes and other problem flow regions are undressed. This is where the insulation goes. Drafts can be treacherous because one does not readily see them. Holes are a complete loss. Sometimes it might be easier to live outside under the insulation but please stay with us on this.
Second: One must seal. Using official insulation tape to thoroughly seal all cracks and openings around doors and windows. Skirting is essential around the bottoms of older trailers since cold penetrates through the floor. Many household items can be crammed into leaky spots on a temporary, stop-gap basis until you can get around to a serious remodel come spring. Dog hair, grass clippings, newspaper, old clothing all do the trick and while these items do not keep a domicile toasty they might keep the residents from getting wind burn or frostbite.
Third: Stockpile for a rainy day. Coal and wood are the priority here if you heat with wood. Wimps that use natural gas, electric or propane as primary heat sources should skip to part four. Yes, burning those silly pellets works but avoid car parts, children’s toys and cooking utensils since they have a higher combustion rate and not many BTUs. Fumes given off by these items (if they do light) can’t be good for respiration. Plus they are difficult to split. Just to be on the safe side Never Throw Anything Away! Everything that has been acquired is potential fuel or insulation.
Fourth: A logical plan is the key. Don’t jump into insulation technology half-cocked. Draw up a blueprint. Ask the guys and gals don at the bar. Have another beer. There’s plenty of time to complete the task at hand.
Fifth: Cleanliness is everything! Vacuum and wash all firewood before bringing it into the house. Sweep the chimney for safety and function. Clear out all heat vents. Check propane flow. Wash your hands after asbestos exposure and watch your language in front of the neighbor dogs. Hose down last year’s visquine and reuse it next year.
If you have further questions call your local extension agent. He or she will be all too happy to send you a wad of gov’ment brochures that complicate the procedure and address you as if you were a moron. These will serve well as kindling on a cold morning or make a fine balanced addition to accenting your spring dump load. – Uncle Pahgre
Cure for hangover not found
(Bangor) The long sought after cure for the all too common hangover has once again eluded medical workers here at Down East Sanitarium. The mood is somber with many once hopeful staff members having given up.
“Our research is desperate and intense,” said one nurse, sipping on a wine cooler.
Most doctors are quick to agree that the once royal treatment, coded for centuries as “the hair of the dog”, will simply have to do until the antidote can be perfected. Methodology under consideration by the New England Journal of Medicine involves large quantities of baking soda being injected into the victim and energy drink enemas, which are still under extreme scrutiny at this time.
Other “recipes” of note include iced prune packs, oregano tea, skunk cabbage seeds and purges with swamp water. Despite the tasty temptation Tabasco sauce popsicles and diluted Liquid Plumber offer no relief and may cause other complications.
Many physicians claim that hearty exercise could relieve the symptoms of dehydration and lack of deep sleep. Others, however, prescribe an afternoon on the couch with low light and no loud noises.
The United Nations currently spends about $54 million on hangover research quarterly, with that number expected to double by 2018.
“One thing is for certain,” quipped a pudgy doctor as he sipped a cold beer, “whoever discovers the key will become a very rich person. I just hope it’s me. Now, if you don’t mind, I must get back to my testing.”
– Flora Pandora
“Many a man has fallen in love with a woman in light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by.” – Maurice Chevalier