All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Congress Forced to Meet in Europe
UNESCO Special to the Horseshoe – February 25, 2015
In an effort to comply with the Gramm-Rudman Act of 1985, the 2015 United States Congress has agreed to hold all future fiscal sessions at an undisclosed spot in Northern Europe, or maybe Southern Africa. The act, aimed at reeling in rampant spending, has been in force for 30 years. The finger pointing Congress, awash in partisan bickering has been unable to concentrate on the issues in Washington where opinion polls and lobbyists have them sidetracked from noon till night.
It is hoped that the lawmakers can get down to business out of the limelight.
“Since so many legislators are either out campaigning or on fact finding vacations abroad they don’t really need to be in Washington for a shadow appearance, paying lip service to constituencies,” offered Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) sponsor of a bill that calls for the relocation.
Surprise..Surprise! The measure passed on the first vote like a double-shot of prune juice in the House chambers. Congressmen voted unanimously to give themselves another vacation, and they also passed a bill that authorizes a cost of living increase.
One freshman senator from Wyoming or Montana was thrilled with the news saying he’s never been out of the country and couldn’t wait to see Europe, or even Africa. Another representative from Rhode Island equated the development with joining an elite, high roller’s Peace Corps.
The only snag appears to be the reluctance of Allied governments who may not want the Americans there taking up their courts and chambers. One possible swap is in the works where Congress has use of the British Parliament, in exchange for the occupation of the U.S. Capitol by Brits during the Cherry Blossom time in D.C.
It was not disclosed if elected participants would have the use of their counterpart’s jets, limos, hairstylists or extramarital companions. Nothing was said of towels or linens either. Insiders say the continued NFL matches played at Wembley Stadium may help smooth out the proposed switch.
Meanwhile host of Southeast Asian nations voiced distrust of the arrangement saying they would like to be included in what looks like a golden opportunity for getting paid for doing nothing. – Dirty Sally
Sell Black Canyon, Buy Suspension Bridge Says Local Man
(Montrose — February 25, 2015) Political activist and executive director of executive directorships executive, Melvin O’Toole, told an attentive audience at Wake Up Montrose that the city should sell the Black Canyon of the Gunnison to the highest bidder and purchase a state-of-the-art suspension bridge with the profits.
The bridge, which O’Toole says could be bought or built, would span an area from South 5th Street to Chipeta Lake by autumn.
“Progressive cities all over the world feature suspension bridges on their tourist brochures,” said O’Toole. “A suspension bridge would attract a strong cross-section of retirees from Orange County and meth addicts from the Confront Range. Then we’d really have something here.”
O’Toole was instrumental in bringing the first pigeons to Montrose in 1976 and lobbied heavily for a snow shed at Main and Townsend as well as a tasteless shopping center south of town.
“We got one of the two,” smiled O’Toole, who did not seem to grasp the loss of beautiful pastureland in exchange for a Target store and a lot of asphalt where cows and horses used to graze.
“Once the bridge is installed someone is bound to build a river underneath it,” said the speaker. “Think of all the jobs that would mean.”
O’Toole did not respond when remind that the Black Canyon was now a National Park and the property of the federal gov’ment.
As the presentation ended, he received a warm applause and reception from the three persons in attendance that had not fallen headfirst into their oatmeal. – Signelle de Bushe
The wonderful world of insects and spiders
Another informative submission from THE NATIONAL BUG — FEB. 25, 2015
Interesting anecdotes and strong indications that the
human race is not the only inferior species on the planet
Ants keep slaves. Certain species, the so-called sanguinary ants in particular, raid the nests of other ant tribes, kill the queen and kidnap many of the workers. The workers are then brought back to the captor’s hive where they are coerced into performing demeaning and trivial tasks, often for less than minimum wage.
Termites are not related to ants. They are part of the cockroach family and damn proud of it.
A house fly usually lives in Colorado for two weeks then flies back home to go back to work only to return for a week during ski season.
Only the female bees work. Males remain in the hives watching football and drinking bad lite beer. Their only true mission in life is to fertilize the queen on her maiden flight (debutante ball, coming out party, quinceaneras, etc.) For this sole purpose, literally thousands of males are hatched, out of which one or two of them actually mate with the queen. Sound familiar? After they have served their function, the males are never again allowed back into the hive and must sleep on the couch for the rest of their relatively condensed, albeit honey-proned and buzzing, lifetime.
Cockroaches have lived on the planet for 250 million years without ever changing their underwear.
There are more beetles on Earth than any other living creatures, with the exception of bad sports commentators and munitions lobbyists.
Only the female mosquito bites. The male considers this to be the mark of a sissy and prefers to box with its prey. The male is squashed with the same regularity as the female even though he is harmless.
If one places a minimal amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. This is one of the reasons one does not observe these arachnids hanging out in bars. If you intend to try this experiment we prefer you utilize cheap booze and not waste anything good on these miserable bastards.
A cockroach can live for several weeks with its head cut off. Many humans live for 80 years or more with no brains in the head that they maintain.
The bombardier beetle, after digesting a bean burrito, defends itself by emitting a series of explosions, not unlike a World War I gas attack. The successive noises sound a lot like miniature shotgun poof and are accompanied by a cloud of reddish-colored, vile smelling fluid. It is recommended that one avoids elevator rides with these flatulent terrestrials.
Bees have five eyes. There are three small eyes on the top of the bees’ head and two large ones in front. The creatures see you very well and know who swatted at them and who chilled out when they buzzed. If bees counted cards, they might be able to make a killing at the casino.
– Sammy Spiderhausen
El maravilloso mundo de los insectos y las arañas
En otra comunicación informativa de EL ERROR NACIONAL – febrero 25, 2015
Anécdotas interesantes y fuertes indicios de que el
raza humana no es la única especie inferiores del planeta
Las hormigas mantienen esclavos. Ciertas especies, las llamadas hormigas sanguinarias en particular, asaltan los nidos de otras tribus de hormigas, matan a la reina y secuestran a muchos de los trabajadores. Los trabajadores son luego llevados de vuelta a la colmena del captor donde son obligados a que realicen tareas degradantes y triviales, a menudo por menos del salario mínimo.
Las termitas no están relacionados con las hormigas. Ellos son parte de la familia de cucarachas y muy orgulloso de ella.
Una mosca de la casa por lo general vive en Colorado durante dos semanas y luego vuela de regreso a casa para volver a trabajar sólo para regresar por una semana durante la temporada de esquí.
Sólo las abejas hembra funcionan. Los machos permanecen en las colmenas viendo el fútbol y beber mala cerveza light. Su única verdadera misión en la vida es para fertilizar la reina en su vuelo inaugural (baile de debutantes, fiesta de presentación, quinceañeras, etc.) Para este único fin, literalmente miles de machos son incubados, de los cuales uno o dos de ellos en realidad se aparean con la reina. ¿Suena familiar? Después de haber cumplido su función, los machos son nunca más permitió volver a la colmena y deben dormir en el sofá por el resto de su relativamente condensada, aunque miel proned y zumbidos, toda la vida.
Las cucarachas han vivido en el planeta durante 250 millones años sin cambiar su ropa interior.
Hay más escarabajos de la Tierra que cualquier otro seres vivos, con excepción de los comentaristas deportivos malos y municiones cabilderos.
Sólo las picaduras de mosquitos femeninos. El macho considera que se trata de la marca de un marica y prefiere a la caja con su presa. El macho es aplastada con la misma regularidad que la hembra a pesar de que es inofensivo.
Si se coloca una cantidad mínima de licor en un escorpión, que al instante se volvería loco y picar hasta la muerte. Esta es una de las razones que no cumpla con estos arácnidos salir en los bares. Si tiene la intención de probar este experimento preferimos usted utiliza alcohol barato y no pierda nada bueno en estos bastardos miserables.
Una cucaracha puede vivir durante varias semanas con su cabeza cortada. Muchos seres humanos viven desde hace 80 años o más sin cerebro en la cabeza que mantienen.
El escarabajo bombardero, después de digerir un burrito de frijoles, se defiende mediante la emisión de una serie de explosiones, no a diferencia de un ataque con gas de la Primera Guerra Mundial. Los ruidos sucesivas parecen mucho a puf escopeta en miniatura y se acompañan de una nube de, líquido con olor vil de color rojizo. Se recomienda que uno evita paseos de ascensor con estos terrestres flatulentos.
Las abejas tienen cinco ojos. Hay tres pequeños ojos en la parte superior de la cabeza de las abejas y los dos más grandes en el frente. Las criaturas que ven muy bien y saben que golpeó con fuerza en ellos y que relajado cuando zumbaban. Si las abejas cuentan cartas, que podría ser capaz de hacer una matanza en el casino.
– Sammy Spiderhausen
Elderly couple gives birth to rude adolescent
(Olathe – Feb 25, 2015) An elderly couple here has announced the birth of a son, Emile, 17. The proud parents Averill and Harmony DelFisher of 3388229955 Indian Massacre Highway named the boy after a distant uncle that neither of the DelFisher’s had ever met.
Fertility pills were blamed for the mishap, or the blessing, depending what side of the nursery one might be sitting at the time.
The youngster, already a strapping six feet tall, has already been suspended from the local high school and detained by juvenile authorities (aren’t they all) in connection with a sophisticated fencing ring in the county. When asked how he would handle his new responsibility, 74-year-old Averill said, “I guess I’ll lend him my car and hope he joins the army before long.”
Harmony, quickly asserting herself as the disciplinarian where Emile is concerned, had no comment on the matter. – Ripple Van Winkle