All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Local Man Claims World is Round

(Geometrical-Metaphysics – Montrose, Colorado – March 25, 2015)
A 49-year-old Montrose resident is still missing after rocking the boat in this land-locked pea-port, by suggesting that the world is round. Insisting that the earth is not flat, Melvin Toole, a semi-retired utensil designer, originally from Paraguay, drew the ire of many pitchfork town folk here.
Many people cling to old beliefs, especially those that clearly discourage thinking or physical exercise.
Slamming theories that have circulated since Otto Mears built his first toll road, Toole made public his rambling hypothesis at a Wake Up Montrose breakfast held at Riverbottom Park last Tuesday. While many in the audience cheered, many stormed out of the park mumbling about blasphemy, witchcraft and paganism. Still others fell asleep in their picnic omelets.
Toole went on to describe the earth as a sphere that orbits around the sun the primary star in our galaxy. He disregarded the flatness theory stressing that “If the world was flat how did the Indians ever get to India, or Indiana for that matter?
“Earth evolved much like its future renters (inhabitants) and that these facts in no way conflict with Creationist teachings on the subject. If we could all just get along and realize we are all in this together we might be kilometers ahead.”
Toole concluded the three-hour lecture with a rousing rendition of “I’ll Be Around” then sped off in his chauffeur-driven surrey. His destination was never clear but followers say he had another non-speaking engagement with a fallen angel near the old coal stove in Ouray.
He never materialized and was reported missing the next morning. Police are taking a precautious approach so as not to concern themselves or others. Many privately say they hope another existentialist shows up in his place.
One citizen, who preferred to remain anonymous, since he was presumably anonymous in the first place, said that Toole had wandered too close to the edge of the earth and simply fell off.
Another thought he was probably pushed. – Muriel Axelrod

Guilt Allotment Reaches Crested Butte

(Elk Mountain Report – March 25, 2015)
Crested butte’s semi-monthly allocation of prime grade guilt arrived here this afternoon, two days behind schedule, but much to the relief of needy citizens. Many say they were just days from depletion of September’s historic airdrop, part of which was hauled away upon impact by local black bear.
The cargo, hauled in from the Confront Range was poured out all over the town’s major intersections and lapped up under the close scrutiny of all sorts of morality brokers.
Reporter Melvin Toole, of the now defunct Baldwin Beekeeper saw it this way:
“There they were, the guiltless, the flirtatious, the wickedly happy assembled sans buckets at the onus froth to receive their due. Have I detected a smile, a frown, any emotion at all?
“The rickety carts, now freed of their unholy loads, stood motionless at the end of the pavement,” he continued, “their drivers arrogantly spitting and rolling cigarettes while doling out careful quotas of heavy blame and overripe culpability from large plastic garbage cans.”
A spokesperson for the Jokerville Guilt Guild confirmed reports that although funding was still frozen, the government would pick up the tab for this month’s shipment.
“The cost of transporting mass quantities of guilt from the urban centers to so many Hootervilles has risen sharply since the inception of the program in 1985,” explained Emily Marmotbreath of Irwin, Executive Director of Rocks and Pieces of Kindling, the parent non-profit of the guild.
“The demand has remained much the same with some citizens ignoring the program altogether, probably because of pride or ignorance,” she added. “According to many of our eloquent institutions humans cannot live without a minimal application of guilt. The guild simply seeks to maintain a level compatible with churches, schools, gov’ment and social standing within the community.
Supporters of the program go to great lengths to credit the guilt drops for the dramatic rise in casual celibacy and a decrease in narcotics use during the week. A final measure, to be hashed out by the Colorado House, will then be nailed on neighborhood doors from Cortez to Burlington by Friday.
“A society at peace with itself can not flourish,” said Syd Fahrt, a leading proponent. “It is the ultimate powder keg. Guilt holds the inside track in the much-desired “redeeming value” category. Until we come up with an effective substitute guilt is what we have and what we will employ.”
Fahrt then went on to blame President Obama and all people of color for what he called “a failure to adopt sufficient guilt trips in their daily lives.
“Just look at those Blacks and Latinos out there having fun while the white folks sit at home guilty about not mowing the lawn or putting money into the collection plate. It is quite pathetic,” he mused.
Critics point to the rampant abuses that have raised more than one eyebrow in the Senate. Even though most agree that society would fall apart without guilt they contend that the present programs are expensive, ineffective, discriminatory and dull. Slow-moving guilt wagons on the highway and their often surly and abusive drivers on Colorado’s high passes.
“We support aerial spraying and/or the introduction of safe levels directly into the food and water supply,” added Marmotbreath, who is also the Executive Director of Airplanes and Syringes in Western Colorado.
The aerial method, dubbed crop duster zero by jokesters over at the Council of Christians and Jews has come under heavy bombardment by Libertarians and ecological lobbies who fear the spraying will adversely affect voter behavior and quite possibly kill off the local magpie population creating an overabundance of bad guilt. Up until now guilt-free voters slept through Election Day and magpies cleaned the highways exhibiting no outward signs of guilt, overtaking even vultures and slugs in that ranking.
Residents of Gunnison County and holders of a condo key are entitled to 350 grams of guilt per day until May 15 when unused piles of guilt will be swept up and ignited. The ash is then sent to the former Soviet Union where it might do some good in a more primitive form.
The next scheduled stop for the guilt procession is Gothic where in November partisans blocked the road and sniped at the guilt peddlers, wounding three. This time around the guilt carts will be escorted by idle Colorado State snowplows. Air support will be provided by the Saudi Air Force Marching Band. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Game Crossing Signs Confuse Game

(Montrose – March 25, 2015) The plethora of warning signs strategically placed on local highways this winter by the Colorado Division of Transportation has resulted in mass confusion among the deer and elk population.
Many of the herd animals, wards of the state, are simply confused as to what is appropriate action while other resent the uniformity as an invasion of privacy. All agree that things were fine in the past, and that the meddling of C-DOT has only made matters worse.
“The deer and elk are hesitant to cross the highways anywhere due to blinking lights that distract them and uneasiness as to just what constitutes a legitimate game crossing,” said Slim Pudge, a born again taxidermist who now works as a missionary among the herds. “The signs are no more than visual pollution and have no redeeming value since deer and elk cannot read.”
Pudge is convinced that the situation will continue to deteriorate and reach an apex when the bears wake up.
“The bruins will never go for this,” he spat.
The state had little comment on the matter preferring to ignore criticism and concentrate on a much maligned study aimed at determining if herd animals purposely jump out in front of moving vehicles or if eating sagebrush is really that much fun.

FISH GET NEEDED BREATHER

(Ridgway-March 25, 2015) Local trout, who have enjoyed the time off over the past month due to the holidays, are ready to get back to work Monday.
“The reservoir is starting to thaw and we expect the ice fishermen to stop fishing for us any day now,” said Ken Kokanee of Colona. “We look this season much like a hockey game. The only difference is that there’s a hole in the ice and half of the participants use fishing poles instead of hockey sticks. Also,” Kokanee spouted, “there’s no puck!”

MATH CORONER

If Governor Hickenloper would have spent his campaign funds on beer instead of all that annoying television advertising this year, how many of the beverages would have been bought for each American over 21 years of age? Would he have gained a larger percentage of the popular vote this way? How would this have affected the electoral college in terms of square roots and all that? Is a gubernatorial candidate expected to provide snacks too?
Write your answers on a bar napkin and send to Math Coroner, Gonad Gazette, Pea Green, Colorado. The first person to answer these gnawing questions correctly will be bitten by a member of our kitchen staff. In case of tie, all winners will be encouraged to run for elected office in 2016.

Personal Missiles Target Weapons Market

(Gunsight Pass, March 25, 2015) The American taxpayer has knowingly and unknowingly funded the development and production of highly sophisticated, yet often dysfunctional missiles and missile weapons systems. All the while, the people have clamored for personal missiles of their very own.
Now the fog has lifted on the landscape of personal (anti-personal) armed projectiles for the home and office. Although the Pentagon and other military powerhouses might prefer that the average American stick to handguns, assault rifles, hunting rifles, grenades, mortars, refurbished tanks, submachine guns, harpoons, machetes and those little Swiss Army knives, it appears that there is a crack in their armor.
Pro-weapons groups say the public has a right to launch missiles, keep them in their homes and carry missiles in their vehicles. Many add that since taxpayers foot the army’s tab on everything from paper clips to nuclear bombs and whatever else rolls off the military-industrial complex assembly line, they should have the final say on gun control.
“If I want to carry a missile when I venture out onto the interstate or to the grocery…that’s my business,” said a Denver collector who claims to own over 400 rifles and handguns. “If I want to keep a few missiles around the house for protection that should not involve gov’ment interference. The Constitution provides for my freedom.”
Recently lobbyists for the munitions industry have pushed to make personal missiles available, but only to those over 21. Inducement pirates like these did not specify if the number referred to age or IQ.
“All of these restrictions are communist,” continued the bulletproof collector who asked to remain analogous. “If one is old enough to drive a car, get a tattoo, vote or fight for their country he should be old enough to own a missile or two.”
The most popular consumer models are about the size of a small cucumber but contain the firepower of a 3-megaton rutabaga or a large attack watermelon intentionally dropped from 10 stories onto a strategic objective. Most are fired from a steel-plated toilet paper roll, a hollowed out softball bat or stripped down fountain pen. Earlier models were based on everyday heat-seeking technology that tends to backfire.
Problems mounted with these pioneer weapons when the projectiles veered off course from the intended target (neighbor, neighbor’s dog, someone who looked suspicious, a minority group member running) and detonated on contact with, say, the kitchen stove or the barbecue grill.
Armaments that have repeatedly misfired include Hades, Cobras, Brimstoned, Javelin, Python, Popeye, Stiletto, Thunderbird, Patriot, Apache, Hawk and Swingfire. Experts insist these are too much for most consumers to handle. They suggest that the novice starts with tactical ballistic miniatures or the acceptable “baby cruise missiles” for land attacks and the popular V-1 or the hand-held Yun Feng for nautical or solar battle.
“These newer babies offer improved adaptability resulting in a safer, more varied weapon. The new generation of hand rockets is noise seeking, determining concentric, selected aim by decibel levels rather than blood temperature. These are highly effective on city streets, where they are useful in eliminating offensive music from tedious ghetto blasters and loud rapping while not impacting the norm, you know like mindless metal, painful country or catchy elevator toe tappers.”
In rare cases it may be necessary to confront the offending musical party, thus inducing the target to turn up the volume so that when the launch finally transpires the missile can home in more accurately. The accepted method is to yell in the direction of the perpetrator: “Het dirt bag, do you think you could turn the bass up a bit? I haven’t lost all of my hearing yet. Yeah, that’s better. Thanks.”
Ready, aim, fire.
The soon-to-be-released personal missiles should be available at Radio Hack, Brawl-Mart, Taco Hell and of corpse at Target. Home bound and bed-ridden warriors can obtain the technology through any one of a dozen television offers. There are no background checks and the time of an average transaction is less than 15 minutes.
Meanwhile the clear-headed, closer to the action confirmed reports that the personal missiles would be issued to local police forces so as to insure they are used safely, responsibly and without prejudice.
– Tommy Middlefinger

“How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, come home in the evening and have nothin’ to say.” – John Prine

Weather Wong Again

(Silverton – March 25, 2014)
The Natural Whether Cervix has confessed en masse to the occasional sharing of false or distorted information but now it has become an annual affair. Today the NWC announced that it would simply recycle weather reports in that they are cyclical and often are the same anyway.
People who actually believe in atmospheric predictions have been duped for decades, say meteorologists. How could anyone be so gullible to think we could pull climatic prophesies right out of thin air? Will it snow? It could since it is winter and all. Where do the winds come from? We don’t have a clue. Hell, we can’t see the sun today with all the rain clouds. Even the narrowest plebe could follow the leads and suggestions here.
“Our dartboard weather alerts and zero-based, finite calculations have been dismally inaccurate and, due to budget constraints, we simply can’t afford this kind of luxury in the future,” said the late, legendary Manny Mawrin, former all-pro weatherman from Indiana. “Then it came to us: Why spend all that money monitoring the weather when we could just make it up for about half the cost?”
The forecasters expect to save a considerable chunk of change with this new approach. Recycling will afford the entire lot with more leisure time in which to eat doughnuts and read the sports page. – Susie Compost