FISH GET NEEDED BREATHER

(Ridgway-March 25, 2015) Local trout, who have enjoyed the time off over the past month due to the holidays, are ready to get back to work Monday.
“The reservoir is starting to thaw and we expect the ice fishermen to stop fishing for us any day now,” said Ken Kokanee of Colona. “We look this season much like a hockey game. The only difference is that there’s a hole in the ice and half of the participants use fishing poles instead of hockey sticks. Also,” Kokanee spouted, “there’s no puck!”

MATH CORONER

If Governor Hickenloper would have spent his campaign funds on beer instead of all that annoying television advertising this year, how many of the beverages would have been bought for each American over 21 years of age? Would he have gained a larger percentage of the popular vote this way? How would this have affected the electoral college in terms of square roots and all that? Is a gubernatorial candidate expected to provide snacks too?
Write your answers on a bar napkin and send to Math Coroner, Gonad Gazette, Pea Green, Colorado. The first person to answer these gnawing questions correctly will be bitten by a member of our kitchen staff. In case of tie, all winners will be encouraged to run for elected office in 2016.