Potholes Gobble Up Seasonal Victims

(Hub Doins – Montrose, Colorado – April 25, 2015)
Gaping potholes on local highways have consumed more than 15 victims since the snow melted, according to Harvey Birdseed, Executive Director of Pavement and Drifting for Western Colorado. Among confirmed losses are Alvin Gnatt, 59, of Gunnison and Thelrod Fern-Hinklemann 67 of Delta who fell from a steep ledge while climbing out of particularly carnivorous pothole yesterday.
Mryna Mirth, the former Miss Log Hill Mesa in 1974, and well-known gymnast Princess Irm Peawitt, have been declared missing since not returning to their designated trailer bunker earlier this week.
Other victims are out-of-stators and of no concern to this publication. Each spring hundreds of fatalities are caused by potholes, small, hungry animals that live deep down in the pavement. Waking up from hibernation, dazed and angry, their first bloody thoughts are of a good meal.
The highway department has attempted to eradicate these violent pests by the use of land mines and drones but have only succeeded in displacing civilians. Patch jobs only last through the fall or until potholes resurface with the return of the winds.
In addition to the pothole menace Western Colorado motorists should also be aware that windshield season begins on the full moon. This ultra-unpopular time is characterized by flying rocks and broken glass. Spraying has helped but the insidious problem lies within the ranks of the tiny pebble community that comes alive with the presence of any new windshield in an estimated 50-mile radius.
Experts have thrown in the towel in this one saying that rotating tires and changing one’s oil will do nothing to combat the cracks and chips that accompany this short, yet gruesome season. Night driving has become increasingly dangerous as the pebbles are undetectable and can do damage not discovered until morning.
– Tommy Middlefinger