New Highways, Free Parking To Aid Tourism

Gubernatorial Spelling Bee – Montrose, CO — April 25, 2015
Free parking in Colorado’s National Forests and on state highways will go a long way toward making tourists feel welcome this summer according to Governor John Hickenlooper. Speaking in downtown Cahone, the state’s chief executive shared plans to purchase used highways from Texas and slap a tariff on goods coming into the state from Oklahoma.
“Our current highways are terrible. They don’t stand a chance with our brutal weather,” he said. “Who in their right mind is going to bump and tumble their way from Cortez to Burlington on chuckholes, buckled asphalt and rocks?” These are topographic nightmares meant for sheep and locals not money-spending visitors.”
Funds generated from the new tariffs should be plenty to cover the new highway acquisitions. Traditionally highways don’t retain much resale value and states don’t expect to recover expenses on used roadways.
“Most are in the bargain bin or left out on some back lot to rot, or whatever old highways do,” said an aide to Hickenlooper, who had now retired for an afternoon siesta. “The simple fact remains that their used highways are far better than out new ones.”
Not only are the discarded highways coming our way, Texas is even throwing in the road signs and exit ramps. The Lone Star State is demanding a surcharge (a little extra y’all fee) on bending the highways to accommodate curves and drops of various proportions. The Texas highways will be hauled to Colorado by the millions of four-wheelers that visit the Rockies each summer.
“We hope someone takes our efforts seriously,” cuffed the aide. “We’re tired of being seen as just another hungry mouth to feed in the gravy train parade.”
Hickenlooper plans a visit to Japan in May to promote this spruced-up Colorado as a pleasant and beautiful place to negotiate by automobile. For centuries the Japanese have shown a strong preference for Utah due in part to cultural and religious ties but these norms appear to be shifting in the favor of the Centennial State. – Fred Zeppelin