All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Lavish Landfill Lacks Little
(Montrose, CO — Trash and Refuse Review — January 19, 2016)
The vital Montrose County Landfill is slated to expand operations and don a new face for 2016. The facility, endearingly called the dump by its devoted clientele will now be indoors, well lighted and computerized.
The concept of a trash dome is not a new one to the landfill industry although it may be the first time many progressive elements have been employed.
“Everyone knows that the bird is the word,” chimed in one particularly tattered employee, referencing the popular 1964 classic by The Trashmen
Proponents acknowledge the cost and impact on the litter-friendly community but insist that it is the only way to keep the climate constant. Most people agree that the best dumps are those that are not windy, dusty or muddy.
The dome is designed so as to control the spread of flies by denying the bothersome insects hiding places and breeding spots that are plentiful in the open-air variety.
Becoming the first lighted 24-hour trash facility was not easy. First the county had to apply for a federal all-night license. Then there were the access fees paid to the city and the paperwork that had to be filed with the state. Happily, persistence, logic and a strong battle plan won out over a drooping bureaucracy and physical laws governing gravity and lunar intrusions.
The lights are left on by the second shift then turned off by the people that show up at 7 am to monitor the facility in daylight hours. That’s when they count the piles. Everyone knows that storage of the garbage is foremost in the blueprint and the county plans to keep cost down and overruns to a minimum by keeping precise records of what is dumped each day.
The computer system, paid for by taxpayers, runs between $300,000 and $400,000 but one of the developers of the idea has a brother-in-law in Grand Junction that can get it for 10% off. It can effectively scan a load of debris and categorize its content instantly, leaving landfill attendants free to drive around on their dozers all day.
A shopping mall, at the north entrance of the dump, complete with fast food courts and games for the kids, could be completed as early as next spring when a Grand Opening is slated.
Commemorative glassware emblazed with “Old Garbage Men Fly Longer”, “I
Love the Landfill and “I’d Rather be Dumping” are already for sale at John’s Flea and Fly at the south exit next to the cellular store and Erma’s Coiffures. The popular “Life is a Heap” T-shirts, that sold out in ten minutes last week are available exclusively through the San Juan Horseshoe, a local paper that has declared itself, among other things as “official newspaper of the Montrose County Landfill Project.”
– Mercy Plaine
Day Care Center Ends Weapon Production
(Ophir Loop – December 31, 2015)
In accordance with the termination of Cold War and the embrace of closer ties with former rogue nations the Happy Time Daycare/Arsenal will shift priorities from nuclear warheads to pencil sharpeners.
Headmistress, Ida Hopper, quickly reminded her charges that this could be only a temporary change and that if hostilities peaked once more, they should be prepared the return to their sensitive munitions work.
Happy Care is the only Co-op For Profit Daycare Center in the country. Students 2 through 9 engage in constructive play (production) for four weeks then spend the next four weeks studying swing play, drawing, learning songs, and taking their afternoon naps.
“It may take them slightly longer to graduate,” said Hopper, “but when they do they will possess years of work experience which is worth far more than some measly diploma.
– Melvin Toole
Neil Bush Apologizes for Silverado Scandal
Denver — Bullet-Proof Times — January 5, 2016
(Denver) A third Bush brother resurfaced today mouthing a tearful apology for his part in destroying the lives on many Americans in the hush-hush Silverado Banking scheme of the late 1980s. Neil Bush had been a recluse for the past 25 years.
With his …older sibling running for President it seems an odd time to come clean. The former governor of Florida continues to tout his family’s successes despite the disgraceful presidency of Dick Cheney…oh I mean Jeb’s brother, Dubya.
None of the unelected leaders, behind the Iraq War have been indicted for war crimes and the billions stolen from the Iraqi people have never been recovered. Result: The crooks walk, the Arabs starve and the American people pay for hawkish indiscretions with continued war in the Mideast.
In the infamous savings and loan debauchery many people lost their entire savings and taxpayers were bilked of an estimated 1.3 billion dollars due to what the FDIC called gross negligence. Federal regulators, crippled by recent deregulation by the Reagan Administration, stopped short of charging fraud in the highly publicized lawsuit that named Neil Mallon Pierce Bush, other directors, officers and lawyers of the defunct Denver savings and loan association.
The suit went on to say that “…in the three years that Mr. Bush was a director of the Silverado Banking, Savings and Loan Association he violated conflict-of-interest regulations and failed to act to stop the institution from making improper, and in some cases illegal loans.”
The suit also pointed to questionable dealings with known organized crime figures, blatant misuse of funds and extended cover-ups.
Neil, although apologizing for his criminal activity, maintains he did nothing wrong.
“I am sorry that all those nice people lost all their money but their memories are short and we sincerely hope that (with a little fear and a pinch of Jesus) they will vote Republican once again in 2016.
According to an article in the New York Times and a paper presented by the American Society of Criminology, Neil Bush was charged with criminal wrongdoing in the case and ended up paying $50,000 to settle out of court. The chief of Silverado S&L was sentenced to 3.5 years in jail for pleading guilty to 8.7 million in theft. One can get more jail time for robbing a liquor store.
This is just the tip of the iceberg compared to the dealings of Prescott Bush Sr., who while director of Union Banking Corporation helped finance Adolph Hitler’s regime, profited from the Auschwitz labor camp up until 1942 when it was seized by the United States government under the Trading with the Enemy Act.
www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1312540,00.html
And that says nothing of the Harkin stock or the shady sale of the Texas Rangers by George W Bush later on. Wow, if Dick Cheney would have been a Bush we could just dig one hole and be done with the lot of them. Politics is never that simple.
for more: www.fdic.gov/bank/historical/s&l/
Homeless Tough en Abarrotes Carros
(Washington – Deseando para un Piggly Wiggly – 29 de diciembre 2015)
Personas sin hogar floreciente de la nación que aquí se hace responsable por los daños causados a carritos de supermercado corporativos de acuerdo con un ala de investigación del Departamento de Justicia. La oficina federal equidad luego recordó a todos los estadounidenses que los vagones de alambre y la rueda de empuje son la privacidad de los carteles gigantes de alimentos que alimentan a la población.
“Esos carros no son la suya, la gente”, dijo Evenkeel Canasta, del Departamento de Asuntos Finales, un subcontratista del Comité de Imparcialidad accidental. “Ellos se proporcionan sólo a través de la amabilidad de los barones de supermercados. Cuando uno va desaparecidos o se destruye todos pagamos! ”
Canasta pasó a describir cómo la calle despiadada pobres mal uso de los carritos de supermercado, que a menudo se almacenan desbloqueado, exterior y accesible. Su voz, de dejar a la desesperación manufacturado, temblaba cuando hablaba de matones sin hogar destrozar el mecanismo de tercera clase y luego abandonan los carros provender bajo los puentes, en los callejones de metanfetamina y malos vecindarios por toda la ciudad.
“Todos podemos ver el día en que no hay carritos de supermercado viables en cualquier parte del país. Entonces, ¿qué será el segmento productivo de la sociedad hacer?
Ya principales supermercados están considerando carritos de fidelidad y el uso premio ganado de push / pull dispositivos para la recolección de víveres y el transporte de las compras a sus coches. Dicen que el gasto de la operación sería asombroso y que los precios de alimentos tendrían que ir a pagar por el privilegio.
“Carritos de comestibles no son un derecho,” quacked Canasta, un abierto crítico de la Seguridad Social y Medicare pero firme partidario de incentivos fiscales para la industria petrolera. “Demasiados estadounidenses piensan que se merecen carritos de supermercado gratuitas y están a favor de ayudar a las personas sin hogar con un puñado de dame y la boca llena de muy agradecido.”
Un defensor urbana para los sin techo calificó los comentarios de Canasta cruel e insensible, y agregó que los funcionarios del gobierno deben aprender a mantener la boca cerrada sobre cuestiones sociales que no les afectan directamente.
“¿Sugiere Sra Canasta que las unidades de alquiler de almacenamiento sin hogar para mantener sus pertenencias a salvo? Tal vez se podría formar una asociación de propietarios de cartón. Si una persona sin hogar destruye un carrito de supermercado y un petrolero vierte el aceite por toda la playa que vamos a procesar? “, Preguntó.
Canasta, sin inmutarse por las críticas al Departamento de Asuntos Finales, así como el Comité de Imparcialidad accidental de montaje, seguido golpear a gente de la calle que dicen que incluso cuando roban un carro que no toman el cuidado de él.
“Abusan de la compra y luego cambiarlo por uno nuevo cuando nadie está mirando. Consumidores víveres y personal de comestibles poco motivados deben tener más cuidado, más atento al emplear esta tecnología o podríamos perder la ventaja de tener tarjetas de valor y bolsas de plástico en la caja “, dijo.
“La única razón por estos grandes sin lavar no robar los estacionamientos es que están clavados y difícil de almacenar,” ella gritó. “No me gustan las personas sin hogar.”
Canasta descontados los reclamos de los grupos de derechos humanos de los que el mal uso de los carritos de supermercado son sólo un síntoma de un problema mucho mayor de la desesperación causada en parte por la avaricia corporativa y la injusta distribución de oportunidades en este país.
“Estoy tan cansado de escuchar a los liberales de alto encadenan lloriquear”, dijo Canasta. “Si no se puede cortar aquí en mi América usted debe ser deportado.”
– Heather Hoffbrau
A Wonderland of Ice Forests
A wonderland of frozen trees on the Gunnison River stand enchanted on a winter’s morning.
Gunnison “Pretty Cold” Last Night
(Gunnison) Weather factions hold up somewhere inside here in their woolies, confirm that Gunnison was “pretty cold” last night. Although the exact temperature was never confirmed, unreliable sources at Main and Tomichi say levels dropped well below others state wide. Conflicting reports, filed by rogue weather forecasters in fur hats tagged the temperatures as “damn cold”.
The problem monitoring weather in the Gunnison Valley has something to do with the critical measuring apparatus freezing and therefore not giving an accurate testimony to the chill.
“At least the wind doesn’t blow that much,” said one life long resident, “and the summers are heavenly. Plus, when it gets this cold the little temperature machine on the bank freezes so we don’t have that frigid reminder to contend with each morning,” she bbrrrred. (December 27, 2015)
