All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Syrian Taxi Driver’s Academy Falls to Advancing ISIS Fighters

(Al Bamm) A strategic taxi driver’s academy logistically linked to three border crossings, six refineries and an abandoned military base, has fallen under control of ISIS militants a senior Iraqi security official said.
The facility, one of the largest in the Mideast, was set to graduate 500 students on Friday. Most of these move to the West and drive cabs from London to Green Bay.
“It was out ticket out of this hell and now it’s gone,” cried one former student, who told of ISIS treatment of prisoners, especially anyone who spoke English.
“May Allah help the cabbie that failed to turn on his meter,” he gasped.
In addition to gains in the North, the Muslim extremists have now shown their teeth in Wawa, Annbar and Al-Bamm,” said the official based in Wawa but on his way out the door for more secure digs.
Border towns are always a prize. They provide strongholds and allow a certain amount of security due to hazy frontiers and strong cultural considerations. No matter the degree of squabbling and contentious line drawing the sand, sooner or later, covers everything over once again.
“It’s not like we’re worried about pissing anyone off,” said Mohammed “Mickey” Sheeke, a tribal warlord who has been engaged in the fighting for over to years. “It’s a little too late for that. We just don’t want to drag Turkey, Iran or Saudi Arabia further into this civil war.”
It was not clear how this defeat would affect transportation in the region or how more U.S. military advisors, expected this week, would get around. Oddly enough it is often safer to take a cab than a jeep when traversing these sand dunes.
“It’s not like they lost a fleet of cabs to these immoral monsters,” said one U.S, Army corporal. “They only had three to start with and one didn’t start. What’s a whole ‘nuther matter is the tanks and missile launchers that ISIS inherited when the Iraqi Army deserted the neighborhood base.”
A squad of rogue Baghdad bus drivers is still holding the entrance to Al-Bamm’s International Airport, which has been contested since early on in the conflict. Concerned as to their fate if ISIS prevails, these fighters have fought off repeated attacks by an ever-expanding force. Bus drivers and Baath Party members (Saddam’s boys) have been at odds since Hussein nationalized transportation back in 1995. The ISIS group (led by many of the same Sunni extremists) wants revenge.
“Much of the stress here is tribal in origin,” said State Department spokesman Wally Handgunne. “What we have here are some angry folks who aren’t getting enough to eat and have no opportunity to improve their lives. Then throw in the constant wind and choking hot weather. We’ve met a taxi cab drivers and a radical mullahs from the same family. It gets very complicated, even to them.” – Merci Plaines

Toothpaste and a Buff Could Save Your Life

After perusing this periodical for a set of decades, one might begin to wonder: Will this paper ever present anything worthwhile? Something functional, beneficial and instructive for the 21st Century?
Embracing socially redeeming values and rubbing up against the common good of the great unwashed, we proudly present the first in what promises to be an endless series of condescending hints that have never been solicited from our readers. These people, just like the editors, seek the bottom of the social experiment, preferring a familiar old chair, a wisp of mountain air and a large snifter of cognac to local beer specials at the local bash roundhouse.

Buff it out!

Now then…we will undress the subject of murky automotive headlamps and one very effective way to look good and improve vision on the highway. Our engineer, Dr. Craig Mernitz of Wisconsin Institute of Mandatory Recreation, will show you how to turn fogged up, dirty headlamps into a stream of conscious light that does the job when the sun goes down.
First Mernitz shows us how to apply the toothpaste to the headlights. (Figure One) taking care to use only enough to cover the glass with a thin sheet of dried paste. Circular motion works especially considering that the light is round. Suggested time 10 minutes. (Figure Two)
After the toothpaste has dried to a crunchy crust we scrape the area with a rough sponge or course pad. Anything that creates tension but does not scratch a glass surface will work here.

Rub it in and watch the yellow disappear!

After another 10 minutes of applied scrubbing the headlamp is ready for the buffer. Simply apply tension along fault lines and the calculated radius of the bright or dim function. In no time the glass will be shining allowing for a more attractive vehicle and better vision on the highway. Alternate mechanics, clarity of purpose, along with folklore remedies and the embrace of shade-tree survival, can lead to hours of enjoyment and the elusive joys of curious accomplishment…a rousing emotional life for most of us.

Too Many Sex Change Operations Can Lead to Trouble

(Montrose, CO  —  Special to the San Juan Horseshoe)

Doctors at Consolidated Macedonian Hospital in Pea Green have issued a joint warning in response to a growing number of snafus connected to delicate sex change operations performed here.
And on the other side of the knife, the relatively new procedure has been a victim of chronic indecisiveness on the part of prospective patients who cannot make a simple decision. He or she?

Teenie Turner: “I don’t remember when it all started but I know how it ends.”

“Common side effects resulting from too many gender assimilation operations have us all quite concerned,” said Dr. Milty Sponge. “We’ve seen basic gene disorders all the way up to male and female hormone spills. Facial hair on women and overdeveloped mammary glands on men is just scratching the surface.”
Now the gov’ment is getting involved. The IRS and the Selective Service have expressed concern that the agencies might be losing track of citizens who are no longer the same sex as they were last year, or last month. Both are petitioning Congress to pass legislation aimed at charting these patients before and after surgery. Right wing legislators promised to come down hard on abusers then went to lunch while The Left scurried around to form committees to discuss the issue and send some money to somebody to take care of it.

Jane Devere after 15 sex change operations remains in limbo

The flow of American dollars to foreign hospitals has prompted a reevaluation of the issue with many health concerns dropping prices and offering package deals on amenities such pizza delivery, bingo nights and private rooms.
A no frills sex change operation costs an average of $150,000 out the door according to Sponge.
“That’s the basics, the minimum,” he said. “If any problems surface it’s ala Carte.”
A burgeoning number of lawsuits have been filed alleging malpractice and incompetence causing most surgeons to shy away from the operation. Citing moral conflict, most doctors are in reality reacting to legal ramifications and probable fiscal loss in the event that a case reaches court.
Meanwhile economists are sifting through mounds of data to ensure that men are still paid more than women for doing the same job.
“If Jack becomes Jill, she shouldn’t expect to demand the same pay as Jack, now should she?” asked Sponge. “Without federal subsidies these poor, confused souls will rob and steal to pay for their obsessions. Imagine being mugged by a man in pantyhose or woman with a pencil-thin mustache.

Lecciones Tempranas Natación No Ayuda Con Orinarse en la cama decir Docs

(Ridgway, CO – Río Amarillo de Prensa – 10 de augusto 2015)
Matriculan niños pequeños en programas de natación harán poco o nada para aliviar los síntomas de enuresis dicen los médicos de la Clínica Mao aquí. Aunque las asociaciones son claras y los vínculos son evidentes, sumergiendo los niños pequeños en el agua en la mañana no les ayudará a hacerlo a través de la noche.
Mantenerse seco en la cama y mojarse en la piscina no tienen conexión. A menudo los niños se orinan en la cama debido a traumas menores que aumentan con la culpa y el miedo a la repetición. La mayoría crecer fuera de la conducta y no debe ser presionado.
“Nuestros hijos resultan ser grandes nadadores”, dijo el entrenador Eddie Edwards, de los Marlins de Montrose. “Nunca hemos considerado ninguna otra terapia que puede estar pasando en la piscina. Mojar la cama nunca ha sido un problema, incluso con los nadadores más jóvenes. Además, ¿cómo sabemos si la condición estaba presente? Todo el mundo está empapado aquí “.
El origen de este tipo de pensamiento nunca ha sido clara. Pediatras permanecen custodiados sobre cualquier positivos que puedan surgir debido a la socialización y dormir estructura, o incluso los efectos de agua fría sobre el cuerpo humano en desarrollo.
“Las soluciones coincidentes son válidas”, dijo un investigador médico. “Pero no podemos confiar en ellos. La regla de oro aquí es la prevención. La ingesta de agua antes de acostarse y monitoreo puede ayudar. Mantener al paciente en un lugar fresco y seco. Aplicar la modificación del comportamiento. Las clases de natación, como lecciones de vuelo, clases de salsa o clases de cocina hará poco para reducir enuresis.
– Tommy Middlefinger

Many pets still without on-line service, email

(Gunnison) Despite the promises by elected officials and bureaucrats waiting for payday, a majority of pets in the United States remain computer challenged, illiterate within the Internet spectrum and completely locked out of the social media.
The travesty grows. 94% pets responding to a simple questionnaire say they have been ignored by the high tech junkies and purposely excluded from electronic communication on the grounds that they are stupid or that they cannot type or spell worth a lick.
“Should minor pitfalls prevent an intelligent dog or cat from embracing progress or function effectively in the modern world?” asked one former lion tamer turned dog walker here. Societies that bar access to beings that they consider to be a liability are always burned by the arrogance, crippled by the resentment.”
If it wasn’t already bad enough, the public schools are holding tanks for most, billionaires run the country and there are poor people wandering around Wall Street. Keeping this segment of the population in the dark will not provide for a better life on the Internet. It will not help to control spam or junk mail. It will simply discriminate against four-legged creatures, many of who would like to join the 21st Century before it’s too late.
– Rufus Maxwell

Bruins never replace divots

But how’s his short game? Black bear wanders the greens at Divide Golf Club on Log Hill Mesa