All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Ridgway Cologne Hits Apple
(Pleasant Valley — August 10, 2015) Virgin batches of Uncompahgre Spring and Cow Creek Obsession dominate the shelves in New York City. The regional and fractionally distilled liquids sell out in minutes, allowing the experimental perfume to blaze its place among metaphorical abstractions worldwide.
And its all concocted using seasonal recurring natural resources recycled after intricate exposure to just enough sun and rain. The only real expense, besides shipping and marketing, is the cooking apparatus and, of course the little glass bottles and pretty stoppers.
The exotic fragrance, hydro-diffused and steam distilled, uses a blend of natural and indigenous elements found on the ground in local parks after the snow melts. The national interest in things Western and rustic is booming at present, as indicated by the burgeoning sales figures. Some 73,000 bottles (at $150 per ounce) were sold almost before the fashion accessory exhibit opened for business before the weekend.
Uncompahgre Spring is crafted from the fiery waters of thermal dimension. Combined with volatile liquids and the compacted variables harvested from the thawed, soggy ground at just the right time, the perfume relies on bark, moss, leaves, seed, discarded opinions, decomposed fertilizers (domestic and wild) and pine needles.
The much-anticipated Cow Creek Obsession on the other hand, relies on aromatic compounds from assorted plants, interspersing a floral, musk-like fragrance to make its statement on the scented runway of high fashion. Both aromas overflow with uncontrolled passion, the level of which puts the wearer on the verge of collapse, of total destruction.
“This fragrance burns down the house,” said Rudy Morenci, who first began blending aboriginal materials in his barn in 1980. “This ain’t no toilet water,” stressed the happy-go-lucky, pearly handled, tobacco-spitting, cowpuncher that often rides the range in front of the local drugstore.
“It’s a mystery to me how these people can afford to buy little bottles of smell good juice,” laughed Morenci, Tuesday’s breakfast still prominently displayed on Friday’s grizzly beard.
“I think some of them is drinking the stuff.”
Morenci told investors that, upon the receipt of his first royalty check he would dig a hole and bury his clothes.
“I’m going to have 200 horses and one cow. Then I’ll start living the good life,” he said.
Bear Evicted from Roubideau Canyon
Uncompahgre Plateau Shelf Life Times — June 25, 2015
Combined elements of the United States Forest Service and jump troops from the Colorado Division of Wildlife have successfully evicted four to six black bear who have been living illegally in Roubideua Canyon. Along with assorted dependents the bruins were driven from several second-story caves.
The canyon, located west of Olathe, has been a gathering place for the often troublesome bear for centuries.
“The presence of these predators threatens to tip the eco-balance in the region,” said one federal worker. “They don’t have any respect for our gentrified forests and routinely tear up aspen trees marked for harvest and knock trees over onto our manicured trails. They simply had to go.”
The now homeless ursine families are currently living in abandoned federal housing on the outskirts of Pea Green hoping to find longterm dwellings before the hibernation cycle begins again in November. Meals are being provided by the freshmen biology class at Police State College in Gateway.
The displaced animals cited an extended relationship with the country in question saying that bruin ancestors had inhabited the place for more than 1200 years.
Regional tourism touts intend to redevelop the canyon and eventually construct a simulated wildlife park where wild animals will be saved and protected for future generations.
“The place could use a new coat of paint and some carpet and we’re good to go,” said Efram Eater, a former university professor who heads up the park committee. “If we allow nature full control we will have chaos.”
– Gabby Haze
METER READER BITTEN
(Special from The Montrose Looking Glass – January 10, 2015)
An unidentified meter reader suffered a series of bites yesterday while attempting to read a water meter. The victim, an employee of Tri County Water District, endured bits on the arms and legs in a vicious and unprovoked attack.
Police have arrested Herb Hemplestick, of 2933668294592744 Road, charging him with aggravated assault. The assailant is currently undergoing tests to determine some motive for his aggressive behavior. Authorities are not ruling out rabies, financial stress or mad cow disease in the incident.
The wounded meter reader, a part-time human from Olathe, is resting and recuperating at St Roscoe’s Hospital at Pea Green, where he flirts with nurses and looks out the window all day.
Attorneys for Hemplestick say their client is mad and should do time while the DA is asking for lenience since the attack may fall under the jurisdiction of the controversial Make My Day Law. The judge, who was absent for the pretrial hearing sentenced everyone to three days for insubordination and another week in contempt for throwing spitballs and chewing gum in court.
Sources at Tri County say they have cut off Hemplestick’s water at his residence and his commercial account, threatening his burgeoning sweet corn operation on California Mesa.
Hemplestick, who once played on the Uruguay National Football Team, sat visibly shaken in the penalty box, conferring with lawyers only when prompted. This recent episode represents Hemplestick’s second oral offense in the last 12 months. Readers may recall that was indicted for biting his longtime mailman on the top of the skull for no apparent reason back in April. – Dinty Moore
“Ward Cleaver invented polyester so that he could sleep in his suit.”
-Lumpy Rutherford
Psychological Studies of Men in Public Restrooms
By Dr Joyce Bothers and Dr. Ruth Westhymen
EXCITABLE: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole. Rips clothing in stressful dilemma.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends for a leak whether he needs to go or not.
NOSY: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
CROSS-EYED: Looks into the urinal at left, uses center urinal, flushes urinal on right. Upset that he cannot find the right paper towel rack or hand dryer.
TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone else is watching. Flushes urinal as if business concluded only to double back and pee when he is alone. This neurosis can expand if not confronted. Some men can’t urinate if there is someone else in the room, the building, the parking lot, the county…
INDIFFERENT: If all urinals are occupied he goes in the sink.
CLOWN: Look! No hands. He shows off adjusting tie, looks around at mess on floor as if someone else is responsible.
WORRIED: Not sure what he’s been doing of late. Makes flash inspection while standing at urinal.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down urinal. Tries to hit fly.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, undoes belt, unties shoes, wets pants.
DISGUSTED: Stands for a long while before giving up and walking over to the sink.
CHILDISH: Leaks directly into urinal bottom for utmost bubble affect.
PATIENT: Stands ultra-close to urinal, reads newspaper with free hand.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he must perform number two and exits into the stall where he does both functions in one sitting.
FAST: Stands back to take long swath at the urinal, blindly missing and peeing on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands up on box or uses kids’ pisser only to fall in and nearly drown.
WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, goes down leg eliminating noise.
– Manuel Flushe
People Age, Exhibit Common Traits
(Science of Science – Montrose, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
Most people are growing older according to a study recently conducted by a national internment service. The results, though hardly surprising, represent the first cross-section data collected on the subject.
That everyone gets the same going away party in the end is an often unmentioned quagmire that doles out equality without prejudice toward race, color, creed or sexual origin/preference.
“We found that in every case the participants were getting older on an annual basis,” shared one pollster. “Some continue to lie about their age as if that might somehow defer their cosmic curtain call.”
Indications are that young people spend a great deal of time trying to look older while older people almost spend the same amount of time trying to look younger. Researchers likened the behavior to that of Asian women covering their faces in the sun while snow white Europeans don coconut oil on chase lounges trying to bring a little color back to Paris.
One man, who said he had forgotten his name, told The Horseshoe, “I’m 87 years old and I don’t worry about this kind of thing. Death is the one thing we don’t have to keep track of. It will come find you when the time
Arrives.” – Ripple Van Winkle
“Frankly I’m a little bit pissed off at the masses.” – Karl Marx