All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Ute Shopping Trip to Montrose

Ute braves on a shopping trip to Montrose circa 1890.

Dinosaurs Bored to Death?

(Old Stone Age Thought —  August 10, 2015)

(Rangely) Scientists working in remote, rugged stretches of Northwest Colorado have stumbled across somewhat disturbing data intimating that dinosaurs and other giant lizards may not have met their demise due to a great flood, climate change or a break in the food chain, as had been previously surmised.
The extinct titans are believed to have suffered their last indignity in the high valleys of the Rockies and in particular near what were then the thriving cave person centers of Sunbeam and Maybell.
“We found fossils and prehistoric relics all over the ground here,” Said Professor Rex Tyrone of the University of Downtown Delta. “Many of these preserved treasures suggest nail biting, endless migrations, petty squabbles and depression. All of these symptoms are linked to chronic boredom, and we have just scratched the Paleolithic surface.”
Tyrone, himself a bit of a dinosaur in the halls of higher education, told The Horseshoe that these same behavior patterns have emerged within the humans species since the invention of the wheel and later, the internet.
“The tedious yet humdrum existence may well have caused the dinosaurs to make a hasty exit, self-destructing as early as 9000 BC, give or take a few millenniums,” he explained. “The end of these reptiles can be directly related to the “too much time on his hands” postulate that we observe in RV enthusiasts, daytime TV viewers and people who hoard money.”
The researcher went on to suggest that many dinosaurs lost their way during liar’s poker games that were quite popular throughout the Epicurean Era.
Other scientists, considering this biological and behavioral phenomenon, disagree vehemently with Tyrone’s hypothesis calling it childish speculation. One added that Tyrone “couldn’t tell the difference between a Brontosaurus and a Bratwurst.”
In his signature cool response, Tyrone suggested that his boredom theory has both metaphysical and geographic merit.
“These charlatans should spend a Saturday night in Rangely so as to grasp the concept of dullness, monotony and ennui,” spouted Tyrone. “Just one Saturday night is all I ask and they will see that my findings take on a meaningful clarity. In a nutshell: It ain’t no Delta.” – Gabby Haze

Early Swimming Lessons No Help With Bed Wetting

(Ridgway, CO — Yellow River Press – May 10, 2015)

Enrolling toddlers in swimming programs will do little or nothing to relieve the symptoms of bed wetting issues say physicians at Mao Clinic here. Although the associations are clear and the links are obvious, submerging little children in water in the morning won’t help them stay dry through the night.
Staying dry in bed and getting wet in the pool have no connection. Often children wet the bed due to juvenile traumas that increase with guilt and fear of repetition. Most will grow out of the behavior and should not be pressured.
“Our kids turn out to be great swimmers,” said Coach Eddie Edwards of the Montrose Marlins. “We have never considered any other therapy that may be going on in the pool. Bed-wetting has never been an issue, even with the younger swimmers. Besides, how would we know if the condition was present? Everybody’s soaked here.”
The origin of this kind of thinking has never been clear. Pediatricians remain guarded about any positives that may emerge due to socialization and sleeping structure, or even the affects of cold water on the developing human body.
“Coincidental solutions are valid,” said one medical researcher. “But we can’t rely on them. The rule of thumb here is prevention. Water intake before bed and monitoring can help. Keep the patient in a cool and dry place. Apply behavior modification. Swimming lessons, like flying lessons, salsa lessons or cooking lessons will do little to lessen bed-wetting.
– Tommy Middlefinger

Thousands Trapped Inside TVs

(Gladstone, CO — Cultural Wastelands Press —  August 10, 2015)

Thousands, perhaps more of your favorite broadcast icons are being held prisoner inside television sets it was disclosed this morning. Actors, news anchors, game show entourages, afternoon soap stars, weight-loss gurus and cartoons, held against their will inside the boxes and flat screens are half-starved, deprived of sleep and routinely beaten by media Nazis on both sides of the political spectrum.
“This has little to do with applied politics. It’s more about bondage…bondage and control,” said Edwin Paar, who escaped the clutches of black and white television on the streets of Hollywood in 1956. Paar and others who have returned from depths of a seedy and decadent Television Land tell others of the awful fate that awaits chronic viewers to this day.
“How do you think they get all those fat people onto a flat screen?” asked Paar. “Is something wrong here?”
On-screen slavery followed by internment is more than most can handle. Snippets of information released by sadistic guards, aimed at tormenting already traumatized family members, have indicated that many of the incarcerated do not survive the Spartan lifestyle, expire, and have to be dumped out of the back of the television set in the dark of night.
“The world of bright lights and fantasy seduced them in the first place and now they get a heavy diet of what they thought they were searching for,” quipped Paar, himself a former talk show host who retired before the medium became a monster.
It is feared that many in a position to alleviate the problem are hesitant to take on the powerful television lobby. Several polled insist that a rescue would throw the fragile communications grid into a tailspin, one that it may not allow for recovery.
“We think a lot of these personalities, hacks and front men who have gotten themselves into this mess should get themselves out of it,” quacked Paar. “Besides the terrorists (Can we not call them terrorists?) will certainly shoot the hostages if we attempt a archetypal military assault, whatever that is.”
Authorities had considered stepping in when a series of short films surfaced on Who Tube showing talking heads without legs and a network climatologist forced to make meaningless, sweeping hand gestures far into the night.
Anyone who would like to help these poor unfortunates out of the television sets can send funds to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. Cash only. No pledges. – “Shroom DelFisher

“If all else fails you could always go to work for the gov’ment.”
– General US Grant to Robert E Lee, Appomattox Court House, April 9, 1865

Tailings fetch high prices in Asia

(Special from The Mining and Milling Gazette —  August 10, 2015)

(Hong Kong) Western Colorado tailings, a bi-product of mining, are demanding exorbitant prices in China and Japan where the residue is considered an aphrodisiac.
Ironically the substances are selling for high prices now that the supply has been diminished by cleanups, burials and denials. According to black market sources, a gram of slime or slickens can bring as much as $2000 while it is basically worthless at the point of origin.
While poaching has yet to become an issue, state and federal authorities are on the lookout for criminal activities above timberline.
“The poachers will focus on higher, out-of-the-way places where they can fill their pickups and pockets with the stuff that, these days, has more inherent value than gold.
Sadly for the environment both molybdenum and uranium tailings are even more of a “delicacy” in Taiwan and South Korea. Efforts to control the mining of these elements have been badly crushed with the onset of such improbable profits. It is not clear if this reality will usher in more extractions in this arena.
Entrepreneurs in the United States have begun a powerful ad campaign aimed at convincing the population that the sale of tailings is good for the economy and will not further damage the planet.
“That’s what the oil companies told us about fracking and now look at all the polluted ground water,” said one activist.
The tailings market is estimated to bring in more money than tourism and pot sales combined. Many people in Asia are convinced that the tailings enhance and improve sexual performance in both male and female consumers.
“Sure it can get messy but with the state of the deficit I think we can make an exception here,” said one Congressional petroleum puppet. “It is rare when we have the opportunity to profit by selling something that we have identified as toxic.”
Local leaders have considered posting armed guards at various tailings ponds in the region. Others insist that the opportunity to purge us from this lingering blight should not be overlooked, especially at $56,000 an ounce.
– Uncle Pahgre

Many in GOP see Ronald Reagan Jr. as candidate in 2016

(Begone Nancy, CA  —  Jelly Bean Express  ––  August 10, 2015)

(South Oak, Pretty Trees Reserve) Many influential voices within the Republican Party have whispered the name of Ronald Reagan Jr. in a presidential ramifications context for 2016.
Frustrated delegates, certain that name recognition might alone pull 20% of the vote, have secretly pledged their support for a ticket featuring the former President’s son. They say they “will need a united front to pull this one off and are starting early.”
“The Bushes do it, the Clintons do it. Even the Roosevelts had a hand in the name game although often from two different sides of the political fence,” said Dr. Wishbone T. Jonez, a fellow at Cal Amari. and Secretary of Coastal Artichoke Mobility Corps here.
“Why shouldn’t we play the trump card?” he smiled. “I’m voting for Ron.”
Jonez, a marginalized Latino, did not comment when asked if he had heard that Homer Simpson had been tapped as possible running mate by a Corporate Power Rules, a think tank in Florida, until recently a shadow organization.
“All I know is that CPR now owns drilling rights in most of the Everglades and plans to build a pipeline to Havana from our American Keys,” said Jonez. I had very little to do with all that other than making sure everyone got their checks on time.”
Ronald Reagan Jr., who had successfully disappeared from the public eye, was not available for comment in that he was away at a ballet academy function. Reporters will continue to harass him when he returns home Thursday.
“The focus on name recognition is particularly disconcerting when one considers the status of the American voter who often votes against his self-interest,” said former snake representative, Marilyn Mobley, a voter behavior expert from the Bronx. who is now camped in Iowa waiting for the Primary hoopla to begin.
“The concept of the Big Picture never materializes. We focus on one issue only or obsess on petty and concocted needs never stopping to see the Big Lie, that we need the corporations, the politicians, the police and the taxman. The simple matter is that we could do better without any of these but only if we change our consciousness.
When asked if Homer Simpson was a valid vice presidential candidate most party poopers avoid eye contact and beg off on the question. Not so Jonez.
“Simpson is electable if only because he clearly represents a segment of American males who think like him, act like him and in may cases look like him as well,” chipped Jonez. “The other 25% will go for Ron.”
Attila Diggins