All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
When GOP Candidates Pushed From Tree, Some Bounce
(Madison, WI — The Perennial Arborist — September 26, 2015)
A majority of Republican presidential candidates bounce when they hit the ground from the 50 to 100 feet categories. After more extended testing and painful failures 67% do not make contact with the cold, hard ground and go splat. The fete champe’tre, sponsored by the upstart Pitchfork Party, relies on catching liars and scalawags who prey on people’s religious fears.
“We seek to replace common everlasting life fears with strong and powerful spiritual understanding and tolerance,” said a spokesperson for the secret society. “We can change the world and out first move is to seize and silence destructive liars and push them out of trees on the weekend.”
Most Pitchfork folk, tired of the repetitious crap disguised as Democracy, lamented that one tree won’t be enough.
“We wanted a symbol, one tree, like Washington’s cherry tree or Nathan Hale’s hanging tree. Maybe an old growth redwood or a nice hemlock would do,” said the grass roots party source.
Although it is clear that the Pitchfork Party cares little whether the offending charlatan bounces or splats it makes for good press.
“We’ll have these fear purveyors on the run when their corps comes to grips with the intensity of Mother Earth, the far from forgiving crust (only 6000 years old) and the trauma of the climb,” added another Pitchfork enthusiast, her face covered with a coffee sack. “We don’t expect to conduct systematic executions but cannot be responsible for what happens between the initial push and the contact with the dirt and rocks below.
Most of the sentenced candidates stop talking with their gods on the way down.
To date Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump, Ben Carson bounced when they hit the ground while Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee and Carly Fiorina did not.
Candidates from the Democratic Party were not included in this sideshow pageant but clearly remain in the sights of the Pitchfork rank and file who, since none has played the Jesus card, are not yet considered panderers of fear and hateful xenophobes.
“If we support any of these candidates and they do not perform as promised we will begin pushing them from their massive bureaucracy in the fall,” said the original spokesperson. “The good of the nation comes long before partisan politics.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
For related banter please turn to Koch Brothers Accidentally Beaten by Police page 49
Wine Bottles in Coffee Paradise
After just a night or two? A glass collection in Salento, Colombia. Great coffee here but most of the wine comes from Argentina and Chile. (Photo by Delinda Austin – September 25, 2015)
BORDER PATROL SEIZES MARIJUANA ICE CREAM
La Frontera del Dia — September 24, 2015
(Aqua Prieta) The United States Border Patrol has reportedly confiscated some 10 tons of marijuana ice cream in an abandoned panel truck here. The contraband, which had melted down to thick syrup by the time of the seizure, carried a street value estimated at some 2.7 million dollars.
“This is the first time we’ve seen the evil weed in this form,” said one officer, “but we’re not all that surprised since the innovative and the flamboyant smugglers alike are swamped this time of the year.”
The ice cream, stored in small Styrofoam coolers had been packed with dry ice and appeared ready for the long journey north. It was not apparent when the cargo was deserted or if the culprits involved in the illegal transport would be back to rescue their investment.
“Despite all the hoopla about cooperative drug enforcement that one reads in the papers, the Mexican police generally look away as the weather gets hot,” continued the officer. “They prefer to engage in other less taxing law enforcement practices such as shake-downs and car insurance scams, which are far more lucrative.”
The ice cream appears to have been a mixture of Neapolitan and spumoni which has led authorities to believe that organized crime is involved. Several other forbidden fruits or desert desserts were recovered along with the soupy pot. Included were some 15 pounds of chocolate covered hash-laced Colorado Rockies figurines and a six-pack of Coca Cola dated 1923. These items too were deemed inedible due to the exposure to extreme heat in the Sonoran Desert. Despite that sad status all the items mysteriously disappeared moments after the story hit the papers.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
GAY SMOKERS THREATEN SUIT
(Telluride) In a town where frivolous law suits by transients and household pets are not a particularly uncommon occurrence, gay residents have again claimed discrimination. This time the imbroglio centers around smoking ordinances which local gays say are biased.
“All we want are the same rights afforded to anyone else,” said one spokesman for the offended. “We want to smoke where we want to smoke when we want to smoke. We’re not trying to push our lifestyle on anyone else. We just like to light up. The law is killing our right to be free, to be impulsive!”
Proponents of the new town legislation say that there are plenty of places where residents can smoke and that restaurants should remain smoke free. They say the law treats everyone equally and has no bias due to race, gender, creed or sexual orientation.
A preliminary hearing is scheduled for February of 2016.
Yogi Berra Passes
It ain’t over till it’s over. Yogi Berra, one of the finest catchers ever to play the game died today at 90. His incredible twisting of the English language lives on…
Still Green Up High For Now
Heavy undergrowth on the Hayden Trail near Ouray September 23, 2015
Tarzan, Cheetah Arrested at Old Growth Sit-In
(Grand Mesa Gazette and Advertiser – September 22, 2015)
The recognized “King of the Apes” and his monkey sidekick spent the night in Delta County Jail after an altercation with security forces near Lost Lake, the site of contested lumber activity.
The confrontation occurred as a group of “militant tree huggers” attempted to divert heavy equipment destined for the cutting ground.
In a prepared statement a tearful Tarzan remained defiant.
“Hey, Cheetah and I have a vested interest in trees. We’ve lived in the jungle forever without lumber companies upsetting the fragile eco-system. Monitored harvesting of local lumber is one thing while air pollution and propaganda is something else altogether.”
Tarzan has threatened to “call out the elephants” if the situation does not improve by the weekend.
“It’s these kinds of threats that got these whackos thrown in the slammer in the first place,” said one county enforcer, “that and the skimpy loincloth.
“These malcontents must learn to follow the rules here and petition the courts in a proper manner,” said the source. “Money talks – Nobody walks,” he smiled.
The two celebrities are currently incarcerated at a halfway house for primates and political prisoners at a secret location between Cummings Gulch and Peach Valley. – Manco Copac
