All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Sheep Bites Should Not Be Ignored
(Ridin’ Round the Range – September 21, 2015)
A motherly ewe savagely attacked a friend of mine last Saturday night. The angry, ruminant animal bit him on the neck and hand before attempting to drag him off into the bush for dark atrocities we can only imagine. Fortunately the local women’s lacrosse team happened by and drove off the vicious wooly with a telephone pole, some discarded fireworks and a giant-size Dr. Pepper.
Some of you out there are saying, “Earl, don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Ha! Tinhorns think of sheep as docile, grazing animals that are afraid of little dogs and their own shadows. This is far from the case. A mature ewe protecting its young or a ram out on a bender, when even slightly provoked, will take on anything from a coyote to a Chevy pickup.
My friend, the one who sustained the bites Saturday night, is recovering at St. Roscoe’s Clinic in the facility’s only bed. He says he’s learned his lesson about sheep. We’ll see.
Sheep attacks are up a whopping 45% from 2014, when zoologists began feverishly compiling data on the subject. Animal behaviorists blame the spike in violence on breakdown of herd values, absence of viable role models and impersonalization at the state and federal level. They say most sheep exhibit a general feeling of hopelessness and very little opportunity for betterment.
Stress has also elbowed its way into the picture since the price of wool has been sporadic (since the wool glut of 2009). Forced relocation to seasonal pastures has only thrown gasoline of the fire.
But lets not throw out the baby with the bath water here. There are still some good sheep out there. They are simply shouted down by the radical element bent on creating a wedge between herd animals and agriculture. One used to be able to drive through a herd on the highway without incident. Today you are subject to glares and catcalls.
Sheep in eight Western states must already declare residency and submit to urine tests but that may not be enough according to Melvin Toole, of the Department of the Inferior. “Cumbersome record keeping be damned,” he quacked. “This is the best way to keep a lid on things until we figure out a master plan. We’re good at master plans.”
More aggressive mouthpieces such as Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) say the military should bomb the offending animals.
“That’s how the feds solve problems,” said Cruz, who added that the Obama Administration was “soft on sheep. “Let these crazed creatures feel the wrath of our air force. We could just promise to keep collateral damage down and nobody would be the wiser.”
If a sheep confront s you remain calm and do not make eye contact or attempt to flee. Stand up to them. Flap your arms and puff up. This may either frighten the animals off or enrage it and culminate with a frontal attack. If you are traveling by car do not stop and get out near herds. The temptation to feed the cute little lambs may be strong but more than one camper has lost an arm or a leg to these suddenly savage even-toed ungulates.
Veterinarians say that sheep are reasonably clean animals and rarely carry diseases, however one does not know where they have been. The accepted treatment is as follows:
First: Remove the animal from the target area. Treat the bite, not the symptoms. Wash the area and apply disinfectant. Victims with allergies to wool should never be covered or the bites bandaged.
Second: The patient must lie quietly as bites like these often take up to six weeks to heal.
Third: If the victim is still alive after 48 hours he/she has passed the perilous stage and can be given solid food.
– Earl “Beefsteak” MacAdoo
Next time: Spotting and subduing carnivorous ptarmigans in the wild
Warning To All Lobbysists
(Washington DC Pitchfork Press September 20, 2015)
At approximately 9:43 pm on October 31, 2015 we will begin seizing all lobbyists operating within the confines of our nation’s capital, the City of Washington DC. These parasites will then be escorted to Virginia or Maryland, dropped off on the side of the road, and prohibited from returning to Washington for any reason at any time.
Laptops and cell phones belonging to trespassing/offending lobbyists will be confiscated after this date. Anyone who has engaged in the fiscal manipulation of elected officials in the past two years will be will be detained indefinitely.
No special consideration for holders of permits/invitations will be honored. Letters of reference from Congressmen or unelected federal officials will be discarded, the holder most likely facing Spartan incarceration. We see the Congress as a willing participant in these sleazy dealings that bilk the people.
Lobbyists caught engaging in outright bribery after Nov 1 will face public execution, as will corporate representatives thought to be operating in a paperless or clandestine manner. If the situation improves we will refrain from further violent solutions to rampant greed. Anyone aiding this clearly criminal element in our society or failing to comply with our long overdue action will be neutralized.
For the human victims of corporate piracy.
The Pitchfork Party of America
Obama Blamed for Trump Success
(Hair and Mouth Gazette — September 19, 2015)
(Washington) House Republicans are blaming President Obama for their problems with Donald Trump. Saying that the liberal tendencies of the Chief Executive encouraged the New York millionaire to seek the Presidency, Divine Right congressmen such as Mitch McConnell say the entire Trump phenomenon is a part of a scheme to land America in the chains of socialism.
“Extremes attract extremes,” said the House majority Leader from the deck of his “bass boat” a 92-foot Monte Carlo sports yacht bought and paid for by an undisclosed oil company. “This Democrat will ruin the country for all of us.”
Charlatan maverick Ted Cruz echoed his distaste saying, “God told him Obama was the anti-Christ and Trump worked for Satan.” “Both Obama and Trump are Muslims and should be brought to heal. Trump seeks the Republican nomination so as to mask his socialist ties to Russia and Red China,” he affirmed. “When I am elected I will deport all of these terrorists.
Cruz, who we believe was born in Kenya….or…Canada, continued his attack on everyone else by saying that Trump, like Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush inherited his much celebrated fortune.
“I accumulated my money legitimately from friends in the oil business,” he explained.
From Shock and Awe to crash and burn? The GOP appears desperate to gain any momentum front, backwards or sideways. Attempts to shed the image of an elite, wealthy white boy political party have come tumbling down every time Trump stands behind the podium.
The Obama Administration had no comment expressing only annoyance that both Hillary and Joe have said nothing of substance while seeking the endorsement of the President.
Less renown House Republicans blamed Obama for global warming (which they deny) and upsurge of crime in the cities and tasteless tomatoes that illegally cross our southern borders daily.
In a related story construction continues on a great wall along the border with Mexico to keep immigrants out and ignorance in.
– Suzie Compost
Everything “Hunky Dory”
(Capital Hill Express — Warshington DC – September 20, 2015)
The state of the country is on the upswing if you listen to a recent White House appraisal. In a speech before the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution the President Obama stressed that there is no need for worry and that the nation will claim its own at the end of the world.
“It’s kind of like mixing Judgment Day and Election Day,” said Obama. “Even though the majority of people prepare for the events in a similar fashion the end results are still a bit murky.”
Most Americans have no clue in the voting booth or with regards to the hereafter. Most have no positive relationship with death, substituting the death industry chants for an embrace of the soul at the time of departure from this place. Most think the elections are valid.
Despite its serious dysfunction, our leaders have lauded the democratic process since 1789. Common philosophies that might lubricate our mystical hopes and desires are no further along than in the days when we chased the herds.
Detractors call these intrinsic practices “tragic charades” since they only scratch the surface as to politics and metaphysics, expending valuable energy in what may well be a spurious arena.
Concentrating on domestic issues, Obama promised that the quality of education would improve by next week. He offered no further details. His plan to offer free community college classes has come under severe criticism by those who are insisting he address the sad state of affairs at the high school level first.
In continuum the President heaped praise on policies aimed at controlling illegal Irish and Israel immigrants. This one brought down the house. After the applause, Obama did not elaborate. He concluded this segment pointing to the economy and low unemployment figures. Again the audience went wild as a band, hired by surviving remnants of Chicago’s Daley Regime, played “That Old Gang of Mine”.
Turning to the international theater, the President said relations with other potential super powers were better than ever.
“The Russians are at it again in Ukraine while the Chinese are busy building artificial islands in the South China Sea,” he chipped. “We are right on that one ignoring negative behavior all the way. “The people who hated us in the fifties and sixties are our buddies now and the people that liked us hate us.”
Obama did not tread into dangerous waters here exposing reasons why these groups might feel such anger.
The President then went on to vehemently warn Maoists, militants, drug lords, Wall Street, corporate polluters and Cubs fans that frivolous/violent actions would not be tolerated. Then came the release of an estimated 15 tons of confetti and helium balloons blown up by the Clintons over the weekend. As projected, the place went nuts!
The speech finished with a plea from the President to email him soon.
Rumors as to an immanent crash of all propped up methods and paltry social systems were brushed under the podium rug with the news that one of the White House dogs was pregnant and would be having puppies in time for Christmas. – Neville Hoser
Gunnison Mower’s Safety Course Offered
Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – September 17, 2015
The officially recognized, patented and juried 2015 Gunnison Mower’s Safety Course will be offered again this fall to persons who have mastered the summer preliminary curriculum. This year’s syllabus concentrates heavily on the adaption of the metric system and its application to more conventional approaches to trimming.
Adherence to s simple step-by-step procedure will result in fewer mishaps with rotor blades and lurking sunstroke according to masterminds associated with the project.
Persons born after March 1949 must take this course if they intend to mow their lawns this fall. Others, born earlier are urged to sign up for the 400-hours of Saturday classes, so as to remain on top of newest developments.
“We offer plenty of tips for mower safety as well as insider hints on weed control and fertilization techniques,” said board member Charlene Gascanne, between meetings.
The cost for the classes is a reasonable $400 (sleeper compartment slightly more) and must be paid in advance. Persons caught mowing (or weed eating without proper certification will surrender lawn privileges and may face fines and imprisonment. – Koko Nucla
Colorado Weapons Ban Widens
Special from The National Trigger Finger – September 10, 2015
Unconfirmed sources at the state capital confirm that an extended ban on assault-related armaments will take affect in October. Most notably sticks and rocks are now verboten, along with dining room furniture and kitchen utensils.
Other taboo minutiae making the roster of banned weaponry are ash trays, table tops, bottles, sharp pencils, sling-shots, water pistols, skillets, rolling pins, Louisville Sluggers, sharpened pork chop bones, sawed off potatoes, sharp tongues, battering corkscrews and hat pins.
Lauding the bi-partisan action several members of the Colorado Senate assured voters that “this slew of new laws should work as well as all the other laws already on the books” in controlling the spread of violence in Colorado.
Pro-weapons groups such as the National Cucumber Association and the mysterious Polyester Enchilada Coalition have pledged to overturn the legislation, which they say is the work of progressives, liberals and Satan.
– Jolly Pena
“One path (before us) leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. I pray we have the widow to choose wisely.”
– Woody Allen
