All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Horseshoe to take town to Disneyland

(Wildcat Creek — Fantasyland Courier — November 13, 2015)

In an attempt to gain local favor and secure tax considerations the San Juan Horseshoe will take the entire town of Colona, Colorado to Disneyland for the holidays. Residents of the town will be flown to Southern California and stay at the Anaheim Hillshire Gardens. Spending money will be provided as well.

“Everyone is packed and ready,” said a civic source. “All the paperwork is done and the reservations confirmed. We’re just waiting for the plane to land in the Hotchkiss pasture.”

When asked why the paper would go to such great lengths to take an entire town on vacation a spokesperson said, “It’s cheaper than taking Ridgway.”
A source close to the publisher aid she hoped the excursion would come off.

“We tried this with Chicago last year and it was a mess.”

Snowy Steeple in Ouray

Here comes winter and the holidays on its tail. Time to store your nuts and grow a heavy coat. Life is downright wonderful here in the Rockies. (11/12/15)

An Expensive and Immoral Charade

with Big Hat Earl MacAdoo
(Warshington Wringer  —  November 11, 2015)

Democracy Lite

A circus atmosphere permeates the hallways here as Democrats and Republicans hit the campaign trail instead of staying in Washington and undressing the nation’s pressing dilemmas. It’s the same old suits stroking their fortunes, belting out distracting and irrelevant rhetoric while many American families are living a much different life.

Is that how it’s always been and how it always will be? Lets get a handle on these outrageous social expenditures like welfare and social security. Just a little fudging here and a little robbery there and we could afford to build three new bombers a month.

Now I’m not saying the proposed Aisle Wall, to be built between the Democrats and Republicans sometime in March, is a bad idea. I’m just wondering what the price tag might demand. We need a wall along the Mexican border and between Alaska and Russia and along the Mason-Dixon Line too! Nebraska wants to build one to keep out Colorado pot. Utah has the blueprint for a Tsunami-proof lake affect wall like the one the Little Dutch Boy plugged. Monsatan Corporation wants to build a wall around its agricultural killing fields. I want a wall to keep my goat herder neighbors out of my pumpkin patch.

When you begin to build your own wall be sure not to leave a crawl space at the bottom. Vermin can transform themselves like rats into soft, flat creatures and easily outflank your ramparts and breastworks. Mine has a dandy little coin-operated gate that allows my wealthier friends access while restricting the Great Unwashed.

Moses Horowitz de facto leader

Former SS Cook Subject to Cross-Examination

A alleged SS cookbook author and feared camp cook will testify before the House Trays and Beans Committee tomorrow over allegations that wrote propaganda for the Third Reich in the 1940s.

Horowitz, or Howard, (a marginalized stage name) has operated with so many aliases that no one knows his given name or if he ever had one. He is expected to be charged with compliance with, conspiracy in , and accessory to violent silliness while employed at the now defunct Curly Prison. The defendant  allegedly hit prisoners in the face with wrenches, pinched their noses with pliers and hit them with pipes and baseball bats at the privately run for profit calaboose over in Maryland.

In addition, the cook (who was going by the name Moe at press time), a man named Larry and the shuffling prison warden and namesake, Curly repeatedly engaged in punitive behavior including poking convicts in the eyes, violent slapping, pulling (boxing) ears and smashing their toes with hammers.

The House Committee has viewed virtually every Three Stooges film as part of the extensive fact-fining mission aimed at determining guilt in this sad affair.

Readers may recall that the earlier Stooges movies often served as inspiration and fodder for the Federal Reserve System, established back in 1913 but reaching its apex during the Great Depression.

Congress Cast Out

Chattering of Perfect Teeth Observed

The entire United States Congress, was sent away early this morning after it was determined that they were not doing anything to help the nation. The former lawmakers will be replaced by a small duck.

The current conflict came to a head Saturday when it was discovered hat none of the Senators and Representatives could pass proposed background checks for the purchase of a gun.

According to questionable sources the politicos will no longer receive retirement pensions, paychecks, health care or limo rides. Each will receive five acres, a mule and a cheap suit.

As the sun began to set on the Capitol Dome an estimated 525 former big shots could be seen scurrying across the Anacostia River, a lobbyist under each arm.

Deer Fence Mastermind Injured

(Ridgway, CO — Miller Mesa Free Flow — November 9, 2015)

The recognized inventor and developer of deer fence was injured this evening the result of a collision with a bull elk on Highway 550, three miles north of the Owl Creek Road.

Amal LeFlemme’s late model pickup was then simultaneously hit by falling rock and struck by lighting at the exact time of impact from the wreck. He is resting at St. Roscoe’s Hospital as we speak.

LeFlemme, whose favorite slogan is “Be ready for anything!” told The Horseshoe that although he had not been prepared for the elk, the rocks or the lightning his “deer fence held up remarkably well under the worst of situations.”

Will a Woman Grace the $20 Note?

(Funny Money Land – Fort Knocks & Notions – November 8, 2015)

A final decision as to who will replace Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar bill were whittled down to three this afternoon as committee upon committee made some difficult choices considering the number of nominations for the honor.

As the ink cleared Susan B. Anthony was nowhere to be seen. Instead a crack team of historians and bankers has named Grace Kelly, Harriet Tubman and Sacajawea as the finalists to replace Jackson, a murderer and extortionist without equal in the early days of the Piedmont frontier.

“It is high time we feature a woman on our currency,” said Norma Jingles, a currency expert at Dollars For Doughnuts, a shadow hedge fund administrator for the Ohio Valley.

“The late Robin Williams said it best,” continued Jingles. “He pulled out a one-dollar-bill and told the audience the face on it belonged to Barbara Bush, when in fact it was George Washington. How stodgy.”

In addition to the aforementioned three, top contenders had included Eleanor Roosevelt, Marilyn Monroe, Clara Barton, Katharine Hepburn, Pearl S. Buck, Emily Dickinson, Rosy the Riveter, Billy Holiday, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Kate Smith, Mother Jones, Jessica Rabbit, Janis Joplin, Dolly Parton, Georgia O’Keeffe and Cher.

Discussion continues tomorrow on who might replace two other undeserving bozos, Ulysses S. Grant and Andrew Hamilton on their respective bills. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Franklin are grandfathered in and believed to be safe from the feminization of legal tender at this time.

A final verdict is expected Monday.

Massive Oil Spill Threatens ISIS Positions in Iraq

Special from The Mosul Desert Star – November 7, 2015

ISIS tactics have taken on a more defensive posture due to a rare land oil spill in Iraq. It is said to be one of the largest petroleum accidents in the short history of human flirtation with fossil fuels. Early estimates confirm that the crude and bitumen database could see amounts exceeding 200 million gallons.

Dribbles and leaks of liquid petroleum hydrocarbons turned into full out gushing and colossal discharge this morning near Ramadi, a town vital to ISIS in its expansionary blueprint. The raggedy ISIS force, unaccustomed to fighting in oil up to its knees, began to disintegrate in the face of Kurdish advances. Retreating to higher ground, the militants were surrounded and disoriented, leaving many vulnerable to air assaults and concentrated artillery barrages that lasted all day.

Many, firing weapons into the sky and shouting trite slogans, cut off their own heads as a protest against the presence of Shiite militias in the region. It was quite a sight to see. They just staggered around in circles like chickens, and then dropped into the sand like dead ducks.

ISIS had repeatedly pledged to destroy all refineries operating here and in Syria.
“I guess they missed one or two,” said a UN Special Forces officer attached to the Kurdish ranks. “Those Sunni geologists just never were all that attentive.”

Frontline ISIS soldiers, advancing through sand storms, were stopped dead by an ever-increasing oil slick that formed in just hours.

Whether the spill is linked to oil gluts and lower prices per barrel was not disclosed. Leaders in Europe fear that Saudi Arabia and other major oil producing countries may have dumped the petroleum so as to create an artificial shortage and thus higher prices.

“What better place to dump any unwanted commodity,” said one Turkish geologist. No collisions, no groundings, no structural damage out there, just demonic fires and multi-color explosions. Wow.”

Called a terra spill in educated circles, the river of oil may succeed in destroying ISIS, although Mideast experts agree that, with the continuation of Western policies in the region, it will be just a matter of time before another militant group emerges.

“You just don’t drop in on a culture, colonize it for its resources, smash its culture, redraw political and religious maps and buddy up with its enemies without repercussions,” said the UN spokesperson.
– Mohammad Mosaddeq