All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
HUNGRY BEAR HOROSCOPE
Everybody’s on the prowl this fall attempting to get their roots and berries in a row for autumn. We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what coming to you. Directions: For personal projection simply embrace verbiage under appropriate birth sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.
Ground retractions printed at $9.99 per pound. (November 6, 2015)
VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)
Personal finances should not be made a crutch this month. Instead, a simple walking stick with a sharp end should do nicely. Wealthy people don’t worry about pocket change or holes in their pocket. Occupy your mind with frequent flyer miles. Too much time in the cereal aisle can result in a false sense of reality by breakfast time. Talk is cheap while advice has never closed ranks in a buyer’s market. Focus on what you are good at. Use a microscope. Tonight: Romance at twenty paces.
LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)
Wyoming is not a state of mind. Two-a-days did not take. Grab a bucket or audition for the part of tackling dummy. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Ends will never meet but Scorpio linebackers can be quite compatible with the special team. Pay attention in the huddle. Don’t be overly defensive. Despite tedious preparation, over-running the play will still make one look bad from the stands. Shoulder pads work best if you have the head to go with them. Take cheerleaders at face value. An offensive line is never in good taste. Tonight: An etiquette sandwich.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Put tendencies toward outright panic behind you. An emotional ride will not be kind to the gas mileage and can be destructive to the interior as well. Check air pressure and go on. There is no sense being king of the hill if al the action is going on at sea level. An attractive airport security official may pat you down before evening falls. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Pluto, your ruling planet is at odds with Mercury, the planet of mind. Maybe you should invest in a meteor-proof vest. Tonight: Scapegoat cheese on the grill.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Although you may be overflowing with confidence be careful not to spill any on the wrappings of chronic insecurity. An inflated ego alone will not defeat Godzilla. You have to study the films. Deliver the goods and don’t stand around waiting for further compensation. While the injured feelings of others is not your concern it is not necessary to twist the knife either. Cutting corners does not work when it comes to concrete or jello. Fragile roots could leave you out on a limb down the road. Tonight: Life in a nutshell.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)
Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. It would appear from your solar chart that you have little to flaunt. Be careful of too much bass and mustache hairs in the pudding. Big things are in your future unless you diet now. Pulling your own strings can be quite a workout on its own. Free weights aren’t free. Exercise videos often lack a viable plot. A hunch that you are the target will be right on target through the 19th. Lady Luck is still the champion arm wrestler. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers arrive things may turn ugly. Tonight: Creamed corn falls on deaf ears.
AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)
Focus on the inconsequential. Bank on inner knowledge and expect current interest rates in return. People are comfortable ignoring you. Use this arrangement to your advantage. Sometimes invisible is better than invincible. Store all good intentions in a cool, dry place. Recycle opinions. This could be a pivotal year for you but not if you spend it spinning out of control. Life is a meaningless jumble of events but return tickets are not for sale. Flanking movements at the time clock will do little to insure job security. Tonight: Caviar with cheap champagne.
PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Hold your breath while out of the water. The lure of fame may tip the scale. Everyone breaks waves sometimes. There is no future in being part of the chowder. Don’t trust worms, grasshoppers or Indian scouts with brass buttons. Choose poisons carefully and discreetly. Mind over matter is of no use when you’ve already taken the bait. Burn out is rare in frigid waters. Bottom feeders should never focus on high and dry affairs of the heart when dinner’s on the table. Keep a civil tongue in your head despite anatomical differences. Tonight: Take a refresher course in humility.
ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Cattle prods could leave you suspicious of co-workers. Selling your soul in the market place does not guarantee residuals. Garbage truck crews rarely get rich on commissions. Change expression occasionally. Silly games are their own reward. Insulate yourself from errors in judgment. The reason that you have been misled is that you are stupid. Big hearts and small brains just don’t mix well. Try gin. Twisted souls can’t walk a straight line. Refer to contents listed on side panel. Tonight: Sign language by the light of the moon.
TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)
Romance in and of itself is not the ultimate stumbling block. It’s your social budget that separates you from the herd. Flock off. It’s better to hang out with nice people with money than poor folks with a bad attitude. Act surreptitiously when under fire. Dictionaries make fine helmets. When you begin to believe in yourself Tinkerbell cannot far away. Choose friends and snow tires carefully. A bad penny is easier to discard than a wooden nickel. Your jingle precedes you in fiscal circles. Tonight: Brood in the dark.
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Embrace fringe relationships. That person in the mirror may not be your best friend. Keep emotions at an arm’s length and the point of retreat in the rear view. Use your energy in canning technology. Play the roll of a martyr only if you get your own dressing room. The Sun is still searching for a dynamic sector of your chart. Send up a flare. Shuffle the demands of peers and soon they will disintegrate. Dismissal from jury duty is no excuse for violence. Give someone your divided attention and all three of you will come out ahead. Tonight: Follow your own lead.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Tendencies toward the reclusive benefit neighborhood interaction. Soften arrivals with clear dates of departure. Keep your options open an your mouth closed. Tolerance is only the tip of the iceberg. Recent ideas are less than brilliant. When all else fails order a pizza. Life may be a roller-coaster and here you are without a proper windshield. Mental capacities are on the Imperial unit while romance is measured in Centigrade. Loitering near the garbage truck could put you in bad company.
LEO (July 24 – August 23)
King or queen of the jungle is only a title. The real power lies within the realm of prime minister. A fish on a park bench is better than a flash in the pan. Drive-in movies are worth little at high noon. Celebrate an anniversary when you damn well feel like it. Diamonds are not in the shape of your heart. Catch and release will keep unwanted overtures on the chopping block. Passion will seek its own level even if it’s a lubricant of dreams. Your eyes may be bigger than your stomach. Tie up loose cannons. Why change oil if the engine still functions? Tonight: Limes make a persuasive case.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)
Feds Threaten Meat Supply in Pot Beef
(Leadville, CO High Country Smoke Rings November 5, 2015)
Controlled personalities at the federal level have threatened to cut off Colorado’s meat sources if that state doesn’t tow the line on U.S. marijuana laws. Colorado, along with Oregon and Washington has decriminalized the use of pot in small amounts for recreational use.
“The feds don’t like to be outflanked,” said a pro-pot source here. They like to dictate to us, to be in charge. Our lickety-split, wham bam amendment to the state constitution nailed them to a tree.”
Instead of embracing progressive stands on social issues, neighboring states have petitioned the federal government for help enforcing archaic pot laws in their states. The frustrated response has been nothing more than a series of ultimatums but now it looks like some probing action is in the wings.
“They may be serious about his meat thing,” said the source, “but Colorado is self-sufficient. We have the water, the timber, the sun, the wildlife, the lifestyle and yes, plenty of meat. We also tolerate others, even vegetarians! Out neighboring states are just jealous.”
Applications for hunting licenses have jumped 46% since the federal meat threat was made public. Sales of firearms and gear have been off the charts indicating that a massive in-state hunting population will take to the woods in October.
If Colorado decides to heal and follow the precepts of the central government the meat wagons will once again cross the prairie. If not it could be grilled cheese and tomato soup for the winter.
“It’s the old classic state’s rights question here,” said the pro-marijuana spokesman. “We went to war on this issue once and may have to do so again. Either way I’ve been taking a lot of target practice.”
How this recent bullying might affect the pot status in Washington and Oregon was not undressed. Several other states are expected to include propositions and amendments on the question of recreational marijuana use on their November ballots. Many already have medical marijuana programs in force.
Tentative legislation is impending in six other states that have been impressed with Colorado’s experimental successes.
– Gabby Haze
Coalition Bombing Up In Air
The holy Good Guy Coalition dropped 6023 bombs on ISIS positions in Iraq and Syria today achieving 2 confirmed kills. Is it bad aim that is the culprit here? How many times has the West taken out top leaders? How many top leaders are there anyway? Why does ISIS appeal to so many younger people all over the globe? Many are not even Muslims. Somebody ain’t tellin’ the truth here. With the level of munitions employed, every ISIS madmen should have been killed 23 times. Somebody making money?
Lobbying Reviewable in 2016
The corrupt culture of lobbying our elected officials will be subject to instant replay next year. All deals made on and off the Congressional floor will be “looked at” by unidentified persons up the Atlantic Coast in New York. Antagonists, protagonists and persons of interest will have two opportunities during Congressman’s term to throw a red flag onto the floor of the House or Senate in dispute of a particular call or arrangement. If a pay-off or favor is deemed illegal it can be reversed after the replay and the offending parties are incarcerated with the death penalty pending.
Mice Active in Wake of El Nino
Got mice? A lot of people report that they have had an increase in the long-tailed visitors this fall. Rodents, looking for a place to nest, follow their instincts in apprehension of cold weather coming fast. Sales of mousetraps, poisons and sealants have been off the charts as the pests invade the domiciles of the righteous and the sinner alike. Tips from local exterminator include not opening your doors, not eating in the house and getting a hungry cat.
Western Colorado Report — November 4, 2015
Bear Launch Website
(Berry-Munching Fur Bag Review — November 3, 2015)
(Crested Butte) A local Black Bear contingent has released a new and innovative on-line presence focusing on the daily needs and curious aspiration of bruins in this neck of Colorado.
It is believed to be the first website completely devoted to bear. Several progressive primate offerings and, of corpse the well documented porpoise page “Hold the Hushpuppies” have brightened the arena, expanding the playing field over the past year. All of these efforts had been deemed impossibilities just a short time ago.
The premier page, which collaborates with local and state agencies on such subjects as forest fires and water sources, has quickly descended into a cheap rattle sheet primarily interested in unattended trash and ripe garbage.
“What can we expect from animals who sneak into campers and raid birthday parties in search of sweets?” asked one skeptic who favors tighter controls on bruins in the Rockies. “Trash is what is on their tiny minds and trash it is that fills these categories.”
Feature pieces on this month’s site include “Tips on Burying Cows Before Dining” and “Termites With Honey”, accentuated by the clever “How To Open Car Doors With Your Teeth.”
Literary critics say the page only addresses eating and nutrition, and ignores other high points and plights of the everyday bear.
“Where is the sleek innuendo?” asked one observer. “Where are the particulates of bruin sin? This is little more than a stroll through the landfill of fuzzy dreams culminating with a shaky hibernation. I won’t bookmark it.”
– Bungalow Phil Marvel
NRA TAPS BOOP
Rifle, CO Cartoons For Peace Nov 2, 2015
The National Rifle Association has recruited 1930s cartoon bombshell Betty Boop as its spokesman for 2016. Boop is best remembered for her curious “OOP Boop EE Doop” and her rosy-cheeked way with male cartoon characters on the set and in private life.
The NRA, like most massive corporations, no longer represents individual gun owners but rather its own self-interest. Yet it affirms that Boop was drafted due to her positive attitude and because she might appeal to older Americans. Most people in this country under 40 have never heard of Betty.
“We’re talking to several other unnamed prospects to reach out to the younger set,” said Wrenille Banger. “We want to be in the trenches will full pack and ammo come election season.”
Insiders suggest that leading candidates are Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam and several well-armed Barbies. Noe of these are dangerous says the NRA and will be instructed only to shoot over the heads of adversaries.
As Americans become more distracted and less aware of the real issues, corporations continue to aim at the lowest common denominator in an attempt to take over the reigns of government. In the case of the Boop icon it is a clear case of distraction.
“Watch my hand, not my mouth,” laughs Dr. Elsappe Flashing of Cal Amari Institute, where Betty was first unveiled. She’s a good one and will do fine surrounded by coyotes. There is nothing to worry about.”
Although the final details are still on the table Boop and her entourage will relocate to Los Angeles before the end of the year. She will be one of six featured speakers at the John Wayne-Ronald Reagan War Film Festival in January.
Readers may recall that neither Wayne nor Reagan served in combat rolls, yet impersonate real warriors in some destructive, clean-sheet masquerade that is fed to the public as real war. Boop, as it turns out is their peer, having seen the Great Depression and World War II from the safety of stage and screen.
The NRA is playing down the development until after hunting season. Sources at Boop Camp did not return our hone calls Thursday.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
