All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Ralphie to start at fullback against Utah
(Boulder, CO Flatiron-No Starch News November 19, 2015)
The University of Colorado will feature a new face in the backfield when it dons its spikes to play a powerful University of Utah in Salt Lake Saturday.
The new guy, standing in behind the quarterback when the teams collide will be none other than Ralphie, the rough-and-tumble team mascot.
In actuality a bison, Ralphie has masqueraded as a buffalo for many seasons here. His familiar charge out onto the field before home games is a thrill to see, especially up close.
Utah 7 – 2 has knocked off Michigan, and trounced Oregon, while losing to Southern Cal and Arizona in Pac-12 competition in 2015. The Thanksgiving weekend bout promises to be a good one with Utah favored over an improved Colorado squad, that lost two close ones to UCLA and USC respectively.
Ralphie has never played organized football but he appears to have digested the complicated offensive playbook. First down – Hand the ball off to Ralphie who runs straight ahead. Second down – Run the option and give the ball to Ralphie who runs straight ahead. Third down – Run a reversal with Ralphie running the ball. Fourth down: Fake the field goal and give the ball to Ralphie who runs straight ahead. Pay dirt!
“Our biggest concern is that he doesn’t run over his own linemen,” said CU coach, Mike MacIntyre.
In addition to the running back role Ralphie will see expanded snaps at the nose guard position where he has learned the defensive signals in just a few days. Ralphie rush. Ralphie sack. Ralphie blitz.
“He won’t be worked into pass plays due to infamously bad hands, continued MacIntyre, “but he could be employed as a diversion along the line of scrimmage. He’s developed into an excellent blocking back.”
Team seamstresses needed three XXL jerseys sewed together and pants made from a protective stadium field cover at Folsom Field, to outfit the new player. Fans hope a dapper, well-dressed Ralphie will wear down opponents, then dazzle them with unprecedented speed and uncanny instinct as he gallops into the line and stampedes his way to the end zone. – Rocky Flats
Feds Bust Forest Animals on Pot Charges
(Gunnison National Forest Colorado Fur Review Nov 18, 2015)
In a major sting that has reportedly been in the works since July, hundreds of park rangers have detained and arrested an assortment of forest creatures that live here.
Early this morning campers and hunters were shocked to see cute quivering little bunnies and sassy squirrels in chains as they awaited transport to jail. Even marmots were apprehended according the eyewitnesses on the ground.
“This kind of trauma will stay with these innocents for many years to come,” said Dr. Evillio Tinkleholland who has been working with at-risk forest and plains mammals for 30 years. “It’s one thing to tag and harass these four-legged residents but this has crossed the line.”
Law enforcement sources had no comment on the proceedings this morning.
The bust, which many say is the result of federal frustration over legalized weed in Colorado. The state voted to legalize recreational use of marijuana and allow its monitored sale back in 2013 much to the chagrin of power brokers of Washington.
The feds still call the shots in “our” national forests, even though these lands are technically public recreation areas along with a litany of multiple use designations. Persons smoking cannabis within the confines of these vast land masses within the legal and established borders of Colorado are subject to arrest for breaking federal law.
Further invasions of “suspected national forest criminals” are slated for December with bighorns, moose and rocky mountain goats in the crosshairs of the investigative clampdown. Mountain lions and elk, along with the timber wolves we don’t have here will begin after Valentine’s Day. Bear, who are trying to sleep through all of this racket, will be accosted when they wake up in March or April.
So much for personal freedoms. So much for state’s rights. So much for pettiness. Where are the animal protection agencies on this one?
The arrested are expected to post bail and return to the forest where all their stuff is stored but they must wear radio ankle bracelets until a trial date, set for late 2019.
The action was lauded by states such as pot-scared Nebraska and Kansas who have little in the way of national forests, and the American Medical Association, which in collusion with the major pharmaceutical companies encourages the distribution of legal narcotics to human sheep.
– Melvin O’Toole
BIG, BAD WOLF TO ADDRESS CONGRESS
(Washington DC Piggly Wiggly Flyer November 17, 2015)
One of our culture’s most relentless fear mongers will speak before the House and Senate tomorrow on the subject of preparedness. The Wolf, recognized for his dubious pursuit of a meal, is trying to present a kinder face in light of a possible Presidential bid in 2016.
The speech is expected to center on terrorism and the role of elected leaders in thwarting future incidents. The Congress, according to critics, is a body most likely to sit on its thumbs in the event of an attack. This is because they have not been educated, says the Wolf.
Saying that the Congress was not technically pig-headed, but rather self-absorbed in doing for themselves and their cronies.
“If you spent the whole day lining your pockets by evening you’d be too tired to do much else, like conducting the business of the American people who elected you,” jabbed the Wolf.
“Preparedness is everything. Never mind comprehending the failed policies that created the conflict. This is war!”
The Wolf is expected to avoid the controversial subject of houses made from straw, sticks and bricks for fear of upsetting the recovering construction industry.
Meanwhile, outside the Capitol crowds of angry Little Pigs gather to protest the Wolf’s presence in a free society.
(Editor’s note: And now I’d like to use the word salubrious. In all my years behind the pen I don’t believe I have ever employed such a lubricant description and important-sounding term before. Salubrious means pleasant or healthy as in: “It became clear to Arnold that his theories of firewood architecture were less than salubrious when the entire stack crashed down onto his punkin haid. – From Green Wood and Bad Breath – The Undeniable Smokescreen).
“What is life? It is a flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time. It is the shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself at sunset.” – Crowfeet, Blackfoot Tribe in Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher.
Bear Turned Away at Prominent Spa
(Ouray, Colorado–Bruin Beat–November 16, 2015)
The Wiesbaden Spa is in hot water today after turning away a mother Black Bear and two cubs that had traveled an estimated ten miles on foot to soak in the luxurious hot springs and break into the trash dumpsters. Many animal rights people as well as local authorities are still steaming over the incident.
According to front desk personnel the bears arrived at around dusk to the delight of patrons thrilled to see these monsters up close. After bee lining it to the trash dumpsters (They’d visited before) they wandered to a side door and pushed it open.
“They were nice enough. But they didn’t have any money. They didn’t have towels. They didn’t even have swimming apparel,” said Dianne Workman, of the spa. “However they weren’t smokers, so I figured I’d let them use the outdoor pool for an hour. Then, as I shoed a cub away from the granola bars, the mother got testy, and I decided to throw them out.”
Not real happy. Mother bear (pictured above) and two cubs (across the street up in an apple tree at time of photo) were booted out of the Wiesbaden lobby Sunday after attempting to schmooze their way into the vapor cave and pool.
That proved to be a bigger feat than one might think. The cubs started wailing and the mother moved toward the vapor cave, intent on having her way. Then, as if on cue, the three retired to the dumpster which they began rocking back and forth with synchronized alacrity. Workman, not one to create further chaos, called the police who apprehended the animals without a net.
“We hate to be restrictive where guests are concerned,” said Linda Mentor, owner of the Wiesbaden, “but if we let one bear family in we’d have to let them all in.” – Melvin O’Toole
New Dumps Planned for Breakaway Villages
(Nucla — Twin Cities Pilot – November 15, 2015)
An innovative yet controversial landfill, built to accommodate old, useless politicians has been tentatively approved by parliaments in both Nucla and Naturita, in the disaffected region of Western Montrose County.
Leaders in the Twin Cities feel that this kind of clean air industry will someday promote the stable growth needed if plans to create a new county are to survive. Projections call for a minimum 200 “apartments” or plots to be constructed by next spring with the facility in full operation by fall of 2016.
“This is purist recycling at its best,” said Chad Rammerbean, who has fathered the concept (as well as many of the children in the area). “We are bogged down with tired old politicos with their heads firmly planted in the 20th Century. If we can only attract a few big names to start with we feel the rest will follow,” he explained.
The resting place, originally called the (late) Bob Corey-LP Landfill, will be renamed The Millard Fillmore Center, so as to avoid hurt feelings. Misconceptions regarding health issues have created problems in an area that once welcomed nuclear waste services and reveled in the glow of uranium leftovers.
“We don’t feel comfortable with all those politicians hanging around,” said one resident. “Many of us are against the name of the place since it fails to recognize worthless electoral parasites from right here in the West End. If we’re going to build this thing let’s at least keep the name local,” he stressed.
The old politicians will be stores above ground so as to minimize affects on watersheds and water storage. While many local businesses have supported the effort with contributions and sweat equity the region’s most visible enterprise, Union Carbide (the hero of Bhopal) declined to contribute so much as a penny.
“We have already given these elected officials more than enough money during their respective tenures,” said a spokesperson for Union Carbide.
“Most of them were quite cooperative in keeping our environmental operations under wraps. “We see no point in paying them now that they have lost their clout.”
The dump will accept political waste from as far away as New York and Florida. As the capacity increases here politicians from foreign countries may be considered. The only stipulation is that the “client” is still breathing.
“We’re not a morgue,” said Rammerbean.
Meanwhile over in Naturita a satellite industry has quickly emerged, one that would house obsolete words and phrases, discarded elevator music, unread books, top hats, spats, black % white TVs and period sneakers. Already principles claim to have contracts with words such as huzzah, Dodman, dog-leech, thou, atole brose, afoot and cucking-stool.
This literary and popular culture landfill is called Widow Bench Estates, after a little–used term referring to the share of a husband’s estate inherited by his surviving wife. – Melvin O’Toole
Colona Getting Taller
Wildcat Creek — Ouray County Nibbles — Nov 14, 2015
The little town of Colona is growing taller according to a recent health physical published in the popular Armenian Health and Rock Climber. Although exact figures were unavailable expert sources confirmed the increase.
“We hadn’t seen Colona for six months and my how she’s sprouted up, marveled Edna Singe, a painful busybody living out Buckhorn way. “She’s lost a lot of baby fat and is easily a head teller than her Aunt Sapinero and even her tubby Uncle Cahone.”
Already basketball scouts have been dropping in hoping to recruit the gangly Colona for sports programs.
“Our grocery bill has certainly gone up,” said an unconfirmed source in the county’s third largest urban center.
With a taller Colona in the picture there comes an increase in altitude, the need for more personal space and a far-better view of the San Juans. Some added expenses and fiscal considerations are simply not applicable anymore because the town is becoming unmanageable.
“We’re not just talking vertical here,” said a member of the town’s prestigious shadow government. “Colona’s feet and ass end are getting bigger too,” he gasped. “Do you know how much it costs to buy sox for a growing, albeit small, town? Trousers are a nightmare.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
For more on this powder keg story see
COLONA TOLL ROAD EXPENSIVE AFRONT TO LOG HILL, TELLURIDE
