SKIING NOT IN BIBLE SAYS LAKE CITY WOMAN

And cows should never wear underwear

(Montrose — Rapture Tails, Scores and Schedules — February 13, 2016)

The sport of skiing is not mentioned so much as once in the Judeo-Christian Bible says a Lake City cleric who often parades around as the conscience of Hinsdale County.

According to Freida Markfore the Holy Writ makes no reference to skiing and therefore the entire modus operandi should be avoided by the god-fearing righteous.

“If the good Lord wanted man to slide down mountains he would have created him with edges on his feet and included poles with the “beginner package.” He would have also made snow fall in the Holy Land,” she mused.

“The gates of Paradise will never open for a snow plow stop or a telemark turn,” she forecast. “And the snow conditions in hell are not expected to improve in the near eternity.”

Markfore, who sometimes goes by the alias Luella Persimmons, frowned when it was suggested that skiing, associated with Nordic lifestyles and perhaps Viking gods did not jive with the everyday pursuits of the Semitics in Asia Minor.

“I’m not talking about no miners,” she shot back vehemently. “Most of them are well on their way to hell in a hand basket and don’t even know it.”

– Warren of Wexley