Santa Could Break Own Record

(North Poll) The legendary elf could break his own record in 2014; in fact the experts are calling for him to do just that.

The standing record for delivery of toys to children over the entire globe is 22 hours, 19 minutes and 8 assorted seconds. That was set in 1981. Since then delivery times have fluctuated between 25 and 30 hours due in part to sleigh malfunctions, increased air traffic and chronic distraction on the part of elves and reindeer.

“The help have always been there for us but times are changing,” said Claus. The old lady thinks part of the problem with the sleighs is due to sabotage.

But thanks to the implementation of chimney scanners, Yule radar and the relaxation of VIP visas, many experts are predicting that a new record, one under 22 minutes, could be set in 2013.

During the years 1980 through 1985 the Santa Team had trouble getting parts for an all-new Japanese fleet of high-compression sleighs. Santa told us he couldn’t even get his sleigh off the ground in 1983 due to a mechanic’s strike and had to make deliveries in a pickup.

Another year the Turkish border authorities wouldn’t let me into the country because of my alleged Greek ancestry (My father could have been from Moldavia, Cyprus or Tashkent, I don’t know).

“If we can suspend hostilities on the 24^th Santa can get in and out in no time at all,” said an elf named Gandalf. “Our instant replay capacities are splintered when there are bullets in the air and they will be used for sizes and color disparities only. Rumored plans to introduce armed guards to the mix were vehemently denied by everyone up here.

Santa has come under criticism for “tedious and haphazard tracking” methods, using plots to determine progress when cameras might do the job much easier.

Gandalf is quick to disagree.

“We’ve survived for centuries without big brother electronic eye following us around. It’s tough enough landing 8 tiny reindeer and a sleigh on an icy roof without the paparazzi jockeying for space.”                                                                                                            – Susie Compost